NEIGHBOUR WITH DEMENTIA?

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People can have a complete personality change with dementia so I think you shouldn't assume she has "an aggressive streak in her." She might have been a very timid quiet person before dementia. I have an elderly relative in her 90s. She was a very "proper" lady before dementia but with dementia she became increasingly inappropriate with men to the point it was really embarrassing.

If you think she has dementia she will likely be vulnerable so maybe contact social services and express your "concerns."

This happened to me with an elderly neighbour who was then in her mid/late80's. For a few years prior I helped her with jobs and did shopping for her, went on hospital appointments and GP visits with her but it got out of hand, she wanted me to do jobs for her every day, even down to washing her hair. I was now in my 80's myself and it started getting too much as I was dreading phone calls from her two to three times a day, wanting me to go round. She lived 15 minutes walk away and I sometimes went round when it was dark and I didn't like being out alone late in winter.

I had never met her two sons and daughters in law but I had their numbers in case of emergencies so I rang them and told them what was happening, they had no idea their mother was asking me to do things for her that a carer should be doing so I told them they had to get involved as she needed more care than I could give her.

They got Power of Attorney from her and now Social services are involved with all aspects of her care. She still rings me to do jobs for her but I tell her that is what she is paying for, a cleaner, meals on wheels and showering and hair washing, and someone to do her washing for her and she should ring her sons. I have had to intervene a few times and ring her sons because of her constant ringing me to do jobs.

This woman is not your problem she is her families.

I can certainly see she is her family's problem and not mine for sure- and my sympathies BigBopper re her constant requests to you. That sounds like a good idea to get her sons phone number and I'll see if I can ask him for it. What I'm concerned about is protecting my property (and the other neighbours cats). She cost me about £1,000 the day she moved in - ie with the damage she did to my property.

I can understand that some people may start being agressive with it that never had before. But I've watched a couple of relatives of mine at intervals over the years - and I tend to think they "become more of what they are" so to say. The one who was always vague went even more vague. The one who I had seen being a bit verbally agressive before started making nasty comments pretty frequently. So I'd say she didn't have an appropriate level of filters in the first place and now she's losing what one she presumably had when she was younger. She does have a cleaner - though I've certainly noticed that that cleaner has changed recently - and am wondering if it's because she "lost it" with the first one and had to replace her and so, thankfully, there is. She is a bit of a "cheeky asker" if it's someone else - eg one of my friends was most surprised when she cornered him and asked him to lift something heavy for her - and he did so - though came back into my place raising his eyebrows about it. I think she probably has a bit of a "sense of entitlement" - as this is a small town and I don't think she's even been "somebody in this town" herself - but her (deceased) husband was thought of as being "somebody in this town".

The main thing Cariad is to ring Social Services. You could also cintact your local branch of Age UK and talk to them and they may be able to advise you. They will know your local area and know exactly who should be rung.

Speak to the son or daughter next time you see them, not in passing though, ask them if they can go inside to chat with you about their mum, if they don’t have the time get a phone number, and explain exactly what has been going on, also keep a diary of anything else that happens. Could be that they already know what is going on, I doubt it can have escaped both their notice.
If is dementia, which it does sound like, your neighbour should not be living alone. And if the relatives don’t play ball ring social services and explain it to them. This is as much for your neighbours sake as well as yours, she sounds very vulnerable and obvs needs help.

Btw insist to her relatives/social services that you don’t think she should be driving. Are cases of elderly drivers with dementia ploughing into and killing others, most recently a child.
All the best with this x

Certainly I feel she shouldnt be still driving. The thing is she obviously knows she's a bad driver - given that it's a tiny little bit more difficult to park her little car in the garage (though the previous owner did so with a same size one) - as she never ever parks it in her garage and does so somewhere else nearby (hence her demand to be able to park in my front garden!). To my knowledge - just in our little road - she's bashed three different things and something else has been bashed and there's a 1 in 3 chance it was her that did that. So - yep....it is a concern what other road accidents she might have. There's absolutely no need for either of us to drive when it comes to going around locally - as we've got a nearby/very cheap local taxi service that we can use if we need to and they're clearly well-used to carrying around local people only going short distances.

You are perfectly entitled to contact the DVLA and express your concern regarding her ability to be safe when drive. If you go online there is a section that says ' are you worried about someones driving' Give as much details as you can , the DVLA will investigate. Your neighbour will never know it was you who made contact with DVLA. It is confidential, once you have made your concern clear to them you will not hear from DVLA again - the ball is then in their court. Try and speak to her children , mention her driving and if you don't want to inform DVLA perhaps they will if they know it can be done anonymously. Yes I agree you can also contact social services, her behaviour is not her fault but you should not have to put up with what is happening - also tell her children and don't pull any punches!!!

Nearly all dementia sufferers change their personalities. In my mum's case she actually became more interesting!!!

Despite me seeing my mum every week, taking her shopping and back to mine for her lunch, I had no idea that she had dementia until she became a nuisance by ringing me very late at night and asking strange questions. Even then, I was not sure until one of her "friends" rang me at 3 a.m. shouting at me to deal with my mother who had been ringing her in the night for some while. This lady was downright nasty and not at all understanding. When I investigated I discovered that her neighbours had all been aware of her strange behaviour for months and months and never thought to tell me, despite me knowing them all quite well. It all came to a head when a young man driving home in the early hours of the morning saw her at the local bus stop and reported his sighting to the police. They immediately went to check and took her home. They found my number and rang me. Everything moved very quickly as they also reported the incident to her GP who called the following day and insisted on her going to hospital for six weeks observation where it became clear that her dementia was quite advanced.

One neighbour also told me mum had admitted a stranger to her house at 11.30 p.m. and when the neighbour challenged him he ran!! I dread to think what might have happened had the neighbour not spotted him. Mum thought he was "from the council".
So please do tell her son, or a caring GP, or Social Services. I dread to think what could happen to a sufferer who is vulnerable.

And whilst it has clearly caused you stress, annoyance and even money, believe me this lady will be far more distressed than you are, and deserves help and kindness.

I absolutely agree with Madmeg. the onset of dementia can take so many forms, not just the loss of memory or making mistakes that is always talked about as the first signs of dementia.

Having worked with older people in need of help, I would say that any change in behaviour or 'idiosyncratic' behaviour should be treated as potentially a sign of dementia. There are other causes, brain tumours, other mental problems, but that is the first thing that would occur to me. A referral by a GP to a memory clinic will confirm whether that is true or not.

That is a valid point you make that maybe an adult son or daughter might be less aware than the neighbours are. I guess I can see why that might be the case. I wonder if 3 a.m. in the morning is a version of the "witching hour" - body systems at a low point or something? Considering that that is the time she reported hearing voices in her house. I am wondering whether I should contact the DVLA re her driving. At the moment I'm still currently waiting to see if I get the police on my doorstep again - as she called them out to me before (ie when I wouldnt let her park her car in my garden) and that was not my idea of funny having to explain "My title plan boundary line is at the entrance to my garden" etc etc and the previous owner of my house had let the previous owner of her house park there "with permission" and I'd not given any permission and it was revoked when I bought my house, as I use all of my garden myself. If they do get called out by her then I will certainly tell them re the driving obviously. So I guess I'm giving it another week or so to see if they turn up and then I'll have to think seriously re the DVLA. I'm also on the lookout right now because she's threatening to get someone in to prune a tree of mine in my garden - so she's taking up quite a bit of my mindspace that I want for myself iyswim all round.

You are overthinking the situation and getting your brain in a fankle !
Get on the phone to the DVLA , the Social services and the Police , get it off your chest before you let her cause an accident

I do t u der stand why you’re thinking about notifying the DVLA? If she’s a dangerous driver, I would do it today.

Speak to your local Age UK. They may well be able to advise and help you. Equally Citizen's Advice.

Definitely notify the DVLA as soon as possible. Apart from that I wouldn't contact Social Services without speaking to the son first. As someone said above, I'd ask if he can spare some time as you are worried about his mum. At least get his phone number if he's busy. My mum and dad had dementia and we didn't realise, despite weekly visits, just how bad things had got till a neighbour alerted us. Good luck.

As others have advised, contact the DVLA sooner rather than later.

It might be beneficial for her to call the police as you can then tell them the situation and they would be able to locate her children.

Dementia takes on many forms. What do other neighbours say about her ?

Ring Social services and ask them to do a welfare check. Explain to them her strange behaviour hearing voices, etc. HTH

Well - I've tried to contact the DVLA. I was told "10 minute wait time" and 25 minutes later someone answered the phone finally. Obstacle course right at the outset - as they refuse to take any details by phone. They just kept on and on and on saying "Send us an email or a letter". I can't send an email - as they'll see my email address (so it won't be anonymous). I can't send a letter - as I'm realistic enough to know my handwriting is absolutely appalling and even I can't read it sometimes. I said to him "Well - I can live with myself because I've tried - but there doesn't seem to be a way to contact you anonymously - as I feel too concerned that, if I did it by email then you'd have my email address". So - if people knew whereabouts I live in the country and what the downside is like of living here they'd understand my concerns and I'm well aware that some of the "locals" stick together (even though I'm as British by birth as they are). So I tried - but I feel stuck....or as I said to the DVLA guy "Well - I can live with my conscience - because I did try....but your system won't let me do this the only way that I feel is safe for me...".

I agree, contact Social Care and her son asap. I don't think it up to you to contact the DVLA unless you have personal evidence of her unfitness to drive, and parking where she shouldn't doesn't really constitute that.

You sound rather hostile towards your neighbour, Cariad. She obviously needs help and care. Let's hope her son and daughter will now realise that.

Sounds more like a psychosis than dementia. I can't imagine anyone with dementia being focused for long enough to go round each of the neighbours systematically asking them all the same set of questions.

I think your first port of call would be to contact your neighbours son & daughter,explain what's been going on and ask if they can go with her to the dr's the dr will do a memory test on her,then take it from there,my hubby has alzhiemers and vascular dementia,after memory test from the dr another in depth memory test was booked which was done at-home, and then a brain scan was booked,before eventual diagnosis.it sounds like this lady needs help and fast,

aggie

You are overthinking the situation and getting your brain in a fankle !
Get on the phone to the DVLA , the Social services and the Police , get it off your chest before you let her cause an accident

Exactly. Do it now

My mum had early onset dementia, she went very rapidly from being a friendly and helpful individual to a person who could be really nasty to her neighbours and friends, indeed she accused a couple who lived next door of spying through her curtains and planting cameras in her flat. It was very sad. But she also heard voices in the night which she said were her neighbours creeping about. Sufferers can often become paranoid.

winterwhite

I agree, contact Social Care and her son asap. I don't think it up to you to contact the DVLA unless you have personal evidence of her unfitness to drive, and parking where she shouldn't doesn't really constitute that.

You sound rather hostile towards your neighbour, Cariad. She obviously needs help and care. Let's hope her son and daughter will now realise that.

Re my own feelings to the neighbour - literally the day she moved in she broke something in my garden that cost me a 4-figure amount of money to sort out and busily denied it was anything to do with her. So it's not exactly surprising that I don't cherish fond thoughts of her in the circumstances - even without taking into account anything else she has done since. I've never had an apology or paying that bill she owes from her. Re the "parking where she shouldnt" = and she has pushed and pushed to try to be able to park in my garden and been pretty nasty about it that I (obviously) won't let her (ie because it is my garden). It doesnt endear someone to a person if the "pusher" goes as far as setting the police onto me to see if they can manage to persuade me into letting her park in MY garden and I've had to produce evidence no-one else is entitled to (when it's very obvious it is my garden).

Anyway - I'm currently keeping an eye out hoping her son will be coming to visit her soon and I might get a chance to have a word with him - ie now I have realised she has got dementia.