Dilemma on whether to buy G/C birthday and Christmas presents.

Nice idea that Shysal

eazybee

The problem seems to be with your son and daughter. Their treatment of you is not kind and their attitude towards you casual in the extreme. Will they come to your house on a specific day near to Christmas if you invite them? I would continue with presents for the grandchildren as it seems their attitude is governed by their parents, but no harm in inviting the 13 year old to visit by herself occasionally.

You are correct bold eazybee it's my son and daughter that are the problem. I have ordered gifts for the G/C and I'll make sure they get them somehow .
What I'm finding really hard is the attitude of my daughter towards me . I've always been there for her when she's needed me but on the odd occasion I need help she's told me she doesn't want to know and I'll have to manage. ( For instance hubby was admitted to hospital and I didn't have any food in , I'm on a restricted diet but she wouldn't go to the supermarket for me so I had to live on toast for 4 days until hubby came out of hospital..
Son couldn't help either because he was too busy at work .
( He has his own business) I've always been a good mother , here for them all the time as you would expect a good parent to be . Now my health is very poor they don't want to know when I'm struggling.
I love them so much and am proud of all they have achieved, just wish they had some compassion !

Cannot believe how cruel and thoughtless your adult children are I'm truly shocked at their attitude. But Grandchildren are SO important to their Grandparents. Can't offer any advice but there are some good suggestions on here

I would carry on buying presents for the GC - maybe vouchers, then you can post them (or even get them sent direct) to avoid the 'presents under the tree' scenario. It's not the children's fault that their parents are so uncaring. As far as the adults are concerned, I know it's difficult, but I think you have to accept that they are uncaring, not ask them for help or even have much contact. It's heartbreaking, but so is reaching out and being ignored.

Are there are neighbours who can help in situations like your husband being in hospital? I don't know how old you are, but Age UK may have some sort of befriending service, or there may be a local organisation. Might be worth asking at your GPs surgery. They should know what's around in your area.

Good luck.

you should still buy them presents but as you do not know what they like, maybe buy each one a gift card and send it with a christmas card, you can do the same for birthdays. why not ask you adult children to facetime you or talk to them online. have you tried to explain how hurt and left out you feel because of your disabilty. i hope you are your husband have a good christmas.

I agree with GreyHairedWarrior. Tell your son and daughter how you feel and ask if there is any reason why they don't visit. Obviously not in an accusatory way.
I would still buy presents which are an expression of your love for them. Maybe the children don't like or already have what you give. I always ask for ideas as I don't see much of them. Good luck.

Your post is full of self pity. Try - as Jaxjacky advised - to be the better person here and get on with YOUR life.

I really do think that you should invite your children round together and tell them what their behaviour is doing to you ,.
then give them a date/dates when they could bring the grandchildren round . I do wonder if your son knows how distressing his sister's behaviour is and vice versa. I'm so sorry you have this problem.

Many of us , have children, that found us very useful when they needed our help, baby sitting etc. Now that the grandchildren are older, many grandparents are not included any more, in their family life. I personally never EXPECT my family, to do anything for me, therefore I don't feel disappointed. If family want to make contact, that's great, if they don't, I accept this too. I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband, and we are grateful for every day we share together with our doggies and cats( which never let us down)!

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

Hi, I have siblings like your AC so have some understanding of the hurt their behaviour impacts you. I wouldn't ‘punish’ your grandchildren for their parents selfishness so I would continue to give a card and a gift, but probably a small one. This way they will know you care about them. One day, they may make their own decision about visiting you and realise how selfish their parents have been. Make any visit happy, never moan (especially about their parents) and let them know they are always welcome.

What I would do is consider whether I would leave any inheritance to my children. I’d pass it straight to the grandchildren, especially given the comments of your daughter and actions of your DIL. Spell it out in the Will so they won’t win should they contest it.

I agree with others - get on and live your life. Any contact will your family will then just be a bonus. My heart feels for you. 💐

I gave the g'kids presents [or gift certificates or cheques] until they were 18.... some thanked me and some didn't.

How they behave or how often they come over is the fault of their parents.

Could you do them a fun stocking to have at your house? A satsuma in the toe. A chocolate Santa and a comic or a magazine rolled up and slid in. Some bubble bath maybe or some lip balm.
Then tell them a Christmas stocking is at your house too for Christmas Day!

Polremy

Do they call round on your birthday?

On my last birthday daughter and G/D called in and stayed about 1 hour which was lovely
But I never saw my son or G/S's.
No card just a text , it was on a Sunday so not a work day.

Yes it is a difficult situation and as always there is lots of good advice on here. If the relationship with your Children has deteriorated since you became housebound then that is very sad. Only you know how things have been between you all over the years but it does sound as though this has been a long ongoing problem not perhaps directly related to you health issues. My advice would be to concentrate on yours and your Husband's health whilst keeping the door open to your family. Make sure you get help appropriate to your needs (try Age UK). Work out what you need is it help with shopping, cooking, housework, bathing. If you can get in and out of a car look for a local club or coffee morning that you could go to together. It will get you out of the house and give opportunities to meet people. Yes of course family is important but so are you and your Husband concentrate on yourselves and find some support. Best wishes.

62Granny

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

When I do see my little G/S's they chatter away to us none stop ! Myself and hubby are never doom and gloom, we always put on brave faces and perhaps that's the problem, we hide our health issues . The boys love seeing us and don't want to go home , they know they are loved, I tell them every time I see them . I Think the A/C can't accept the fact that they have parents in poor health .

I would buy them presents and invite them to come in around Christmas time to see you. I do feel for you. Our AC can be so uncaring at times and it is so hard because you are housebound.

Sending a hug to you.

I’m so sorry for the way your ac are treating you and your DH . Your last sentence says it all . Your AC either can’t or won’t accept your ill health. Perhaps because you do put a brave face on, they don’t realise the extent of your health. Do you have a family member, sibling or cousin or a close friend who could tell them your health issues? Or contact AgeUK for help , maybe carers , attendance allowance, blue badge, this could bring it home to them .
I would buy presents and cards for the GC and maybe arrange a Sunday tea to get together.
I’m my mothers carer and personally I think your DDs behaviour when your DH was in hospital is appalling.
You don’t leave your mother without food .
Also do you have a wheelchair? It would help you get out more .

I would certainly buy little gifts for your grandchildren, it is their parent's behaviour that is the problem. Do you still manage to drive your car? If not why not sell it and use the money you save from running it to get a taxi if that would enable you to get out. Our GP runs a pain clinic, I don't know if there is anything like that near you that might help?

Fae1

Your post is full of self pity. Try - as Jaxjacky advised - to be the better person here and get on with YOUR life.

That's the problem with the written word , you can't always tell how it's meant . I've never been a " person to waste time on self pity " . What I have learnt is if I'm not sure how a post is meant I always try to be kind in my replies or not answer if I haven't got any advice.

Thank you all for your replies
I have made some lovely cards for my A/C and my G/C and ordered some gifts from Amazon.
I will focus on making a nice day for hubby and myself.

Sounds like a great approach Nanato3. Good job.

Sometimes whatever you do never makes things right in families.

I used to work with a lady whose daughter fell out with her and her husband over something financial. Every birthday and Christmas she sent her gifts and cards and wrote to her several times asking if they could be friends again.

The daughter never replied. Her own daughter got married and the grandparents were not invited. She went on to have 3 babies, 3 christenings, lots of family events none of which the parents were invited to despite living just 5 miles away.
The Grandma was heartbroken, her husband just said forget about it as they’d done all they could.

15 years they did not see each other or speak on the phone but she still carried on sending gifts and cards. It was really hard as we live in a rural area where everybody knew about their new babies arriving etc.

The daughter only went to see her Mum on her deathbed in hospital because she thought there might be something in it for her. I still don’t know how her daughter can sleep at night.

Good decision IMO. I’m sure you won’t regret it.

62Granny

I don't want to sound unkind, but you need to be proactive in this and take the bull by the horns.
Arrange a day either a few days before or after for everyone to visit. E.g the Sunday before or boxing day. Say you are having a special tea and you would like everyone to attend and they can have their Xmas gifts then. Give them plenty of notice of the date so nothing else is arranged on that day.
When they come do you engage with them ,ask them about school , their friends, hobbies, try and listen to their answers ready for next time. Tell them about what you used to do with their parents when they were little. Try and not be too doom and gloom make sure your husband is on board with the arrangements .
It can't be very nice for them when they visit if all they see is two people who have been stuck in the house because they are in pain and depressed.
Sort your pain medication and management out with your GP. Get your husband to sort his depression out with his doctor. You want things to change, make it. Hopefully everyone enjoys and it can become a thing at other times throughout the year.

This is my take own the situation. There are loads of us who are in constant severe pain, but you cannot let that stop you living to a degree. It affects everything we do, but we do it with the help of strong medication. It makes us drowsy and we hate taking it, but we do so we can have the best life possible.
You children probably do not visit because I would imagine that is all you talk about, they may have had enough of it all. I am not saying I agree with their take, but I do agree that YOU and YOUR HUSBAND need to be proactive with your own health, your own shopping (on line shopping/home deliveries) you can use the phone for that and with your visits between the families. Once the children and grandchildren realise you are doing something about the situation, I am sure they will too.