I’m itching to just ask why?

Does he defend her to you ? My husband does this , if I ever say anything about his parents behaviour in anyway , he will always defend them . I realised after a few years of marriage, I would always come second to his parents.

You say you have a good and very positive relationship with your m.i.l., so talk to her about it. Much better to come from you than from your H.

As crazy's posted, if you don't tell her, how is she supposed to know how you feel?

Personally we have always made very little fuss over Fathers’ Day and Mothers’ Day, and certainly our parents didn’t get involved, nor have we got involved with our children. I think it is weird that your MIL showers your son with attention on Fathers’ Day.
But your birthday is another matter. Just a text is not good enough. If you want to take anything up with your MIL, then make it about your birthday, though personally I think your husband should be the one to raise it with his mother.

I have a handy solution. be brave, do away with the lot of it and give money to something that will make a real difference.

I would say nothing. I would not ask her to change her behavior but just let her be the person she is. At least there are no surprises. You know exactly what to expect. Yes it is odd she gives a Fathers Day gift to someone who is clearly not her father! Oh well. At least she is nice the other 350 odd days a year.

I wonder if you had a big milestone birthday party and she was invited, would she come?

Maybe she thinks your own mother should be fussing over you?
I have 3 DiL and one SiL.
I don't give anything for Mother or Father's day. Why would I?

Birthdays I do try to give a nice small gift as I do to my own children.

My own MiL was a bit like yours lilacs She adored DH and I was never really good enough but when she was really old she mellowed a bit and began to accept me as one of the family!
At their family occasions, and it is a huge family, I used to chuckle in a corner with their SiL, who was even more unpopular than me.
Perhaps she's jealous of you lilacs
After all you are the young one who is married to her darling son.

Life is too short to worry about trivial events like this. Overall you have a good relationship with your MiL. Stop getting uspset over trifles.

If you do speak out as crazyH a, you will probably damage your existing relationship with her and if she does start treating you the same as your DH, you will know that she is only doing it because you demanded that she should, and not because she really wants to - and where does that leave you.

Grin and bear it it isn't worth making a fuss about.

I agree 100% with MOnica you risk damaging your current relationship with your mil. It won't be the same and you'll doubt her sincerity. I'd advise you just accept it as the way it is and stop dwelling on it. Let it go.

Sorry, but you seem to be focussed on the receiving of gifts. This isn’t normal.

I wouldn't dream of sending my son a father's day card or his partner a mother's day card; it's a thank you from the children. I do give his partner a birthday and Christmas present and view them as close family and understand why you feel hurt. That said I wouldn't take it personally or over think. The important thing is you get on with your mother-in-law.

Do you have a mother of your own, if so what does she do regarding presents for these occasions?

Do you actually need these presents, financially for example, or is it just the principle that's bugging you?

"Let it go..."

It wouldn’t bother me at all. I don’t think my MIL ever remembered my birthday, doubt she even knew when it was. Her son is her son and of course she would remember him. She is not your mother,though. Be happy that you get on well, pretty rare these days !

lilacs45 yes I realised that - but really the children surely are the ones celebrating the day with your husband? He is their father (and presumably nobody else's.. My children always found it exciting to be "treating" my husband on father's day (and me on mother's day).

He is not your mother-in-law's father.

I also find it odd that anyone other than children should send cards or buy presents for Fathers and Mothers days. The birthday is rather different of course. But I wouldn't say anything to her as although it upsets you to be singled out, a good relationship with her is too precious to wreck - which it might.

Maybe it is just not the tradition in her experience. Does she expect or know whether your own parents send a Mothers Day card to you? Maybe she assumed they do, and not to your DH, so she is making it equal.

Sometimes we feel upset about things and just have to learn to live with it, if other evidence that we are valued is there.

In terms of the upset,
it’s about feeling like she doesn’t value me I would ignore it. Why are you worried about how she values you when you have a good (on the whole) relationship with her and your husband has chosen you as his forever love?

She maybe feels in competition on Mother's day - I know one of my daughters always wants to visit me on mother's day but actually it's more important (to me) that her boys get to "treat" her especially well on that day and she experiencs the days they wake her too early with cold tea and biscuits in bed (!) and will remember the warmth of her love as they grow up.

My gift to my daughter is releasing her from coming over to me. Maybe your mother-in-law can't release your son so easily and wants him to visit/take her out or similar - in her role as matriarch?

I have no idea why she forgets your birthday. Probably because she didn't have the date engraved in her heart when you were born - as she did for your husband and your children (who are obviously special as they are her only child's children!!).

If it helps, I have to check some of my grandchildren's birthdays - and two of my son-in-law's, and both my daughter-in-laws birthdays.
I may know they are, say in the spring, mid February, over the Summer, in November etc but I have to keep looking them up in old WhatsApp messages.
I do not miss them out - as I want to get it right but it's not easy. My "birthday book" has been mislaid some time ago and never replaced.

I think it's less personal than you think.
I truly love my daughters-in-law and sons-in-law because they love my own adult children and this alone is a precious gift to me.
I will not be here forever and I want them to have someone else who loves them to walk with them through life.
YOU are the special person in your children's life - and to your husband. That is validation enough. Bask in their love and let your mother-in-law do her own thing.


I do think your husband should question why she gets him father's day cards though!

V3ra

Do you have a mother of your own, if so what does she do regarding presents for these occasions?

Do you actually need these presents, financially for example, or is it just the principle that's bugging you?

"Let it go..."

It’s not about the money or needing a gift it’s about the principle of being the only one left out. It just hurts given that my MIL acts like she really cares about me but then leaves me out.

If she acts like she cares about you she almost certainly does.
Please don't stress yourself about this. Her ordinary behaviour to you is a better measure.
If you are concerned, I'd see what your husband thinks - though he may not see it anyway I expect.

I wouldn't mention it to your mother-in-law in your position. I'd try to ignore it and expect nothing.

One day she might surprise you!

Firstly, I've never heard of anyone sending gifts or cards for Mother's Day or Father's Day to their adult children; as far as I'm aware, those days are recognised only between the husband and wife. Secondly, does your own mother send cards and gifts to your husband on Father's Day? I do tend to agree with a previous poster that you do seem a little fixated on gifts from your mother in law which is a shame if your relationship with her is otherwise good. If this minor issue bothers you so much, perhaps you can ask your husband to have a chat with his mother and see if there's any underlying issues. But from what you've said in your OP, I would think that she likes to treat her son to gifts etc and expects your own mother to do the same for you. Personally, I wouldn't spoil an otherwise good relationship for the sake of a few trinkets and cards.

I will try and put this gently .... none of this actually matters at all in the grand scheme of things. I honestly think you are taking this far too much to heart. You have a lovely family and you get on OK with MIL in general .... all good and to be enjoyed
I don't think my MIL ever gave me a present of any kind whatsoever in the whole of her life.
At Xmas I give a joint present to my DDs and their spouses. On birthdays I give
my DDs a present, but just a card to my sons-I-L. I can't imagine that they even notice! It is just what we have always done.

Buying your son a happy father's day card and gift is plain creepy . It's her son not her father .

Even after my husband died I never sent my mother in law a happy mother's card as she was not my mom . But our children always sent her a card from them one for nans on mother's day.

If your MIL ignores you on your special days then she's probably jealous of you and regards you as competition -only she isn't going to say so directly. Observing other people's days is part of her game plan . If you challenge her -you've played right into her hands and she'll try to turn the family against you .
I've experienced this with my daughter's MIL .
She's met her match with my daughter ,but is control freak with the rest of the family .
She's absolutely sugary and overloads people with gifts .
Annoy her and you are excommunicated immediately .

On Father’s Day my MIL gets my husband a nice Father’s Day gift and I get nothing

Why on earth would you expect a gift on Father’s Day !!
Never sent any of my in laws mothersday cards or fatherday cards surely it’s for their children to send them They are not my mother
I always remember my daughter in laws birthday but I don’t send her anything huge a small present and a card ! We get on extremely well but she’s not my daughter
I get a joint present from them both
Same with my son in laws ( one now dead and the other divorced)but I used to give a small gift and card for birthdays
Christmas and nothing for Father’s Day they’re werent my father 🤣🤣🤣

I can’t imagine what you are expecting Lilac very very strange expectations

Lilacs you're overthinking this. Let go of the hurt and get on with more important matters in your life.

My mother-in-law was very like this. The best advice I was given is that you can't change someone else but you can change how you react to them. I wasted years fretting about her but was much happier once I'd decided not to let her behaviour bother me. Actually her behaviour was so predictable I began to find it funny