I’m itching to just ask why?

Allsorts

Sympathy with the husband!

So you really think his bond with his mom should be stronger than the bond with his own wife?? The woman he made vows to stand by and support? That’s crazy to me. His wife is his future, the woman he makes everyday decisions with, his partner through life. Yes I would expect him to stand by me and put me first.

Sympathy with the husband!

lilacs45

M0nica

but she is not a daughter or son, she is a daughter in law and she should just shrug this off, it is trivial and isn't worth sacrificing her current good relationship with her Mil for the sake of a few baubles on her birthday.

That’s what I want to say point blank, “I feel hurt because I’m treated differently than others in the family and I would like to now why”

Then say it point blank.

Yes, my opinion is different.
. If it were my son he would say something as our bond is strong and if his wife didn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't talk directly to me he would then keep out if it, its not his problem, he would continue to see me.

If it was my son amd he spoke to me in support of his wife I would be mortified that something I'd done or not done had caused him and his wife such distress.
I would immediately be brought up short and would go out of my way to make amends.

Lilac, its clear as this develops page by page you do not have a good relationship with MI. She irritates you, asks personal questions, is intrusive, you don’t feel as important as your husband.. Its what you have said. If it were me I would talk to her but not in a combative way. Only you can decide but you will probably get your husband to do it. This could very well cause a rift because obviously having two children of his own, they come first. If it were my son he would say something as our bond is strong and if his wife didn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't talk directly to me he would then keep out if it, its not his problem, he would continue to see me.
Would you want one of your children, when they are older and you didn't get on with their partner, be happy to see them go because of it? Its how she is. Maybe let him choose her presents in future.
You have asked for opinions and that is mine, others may well differ.

lilacs your husband "has your back" - he can see how manipulative she is.
He has chosen you.

She has also said stuff like, “DH we want to see/talk to you alone about private family matters as if we aren’t married and aren’t one. Correct me if I’m wrong but when you are married you are a part of the family as well?” Luckily my DH had my back and told his mom that his wife is part of the family unit as well

V3ra

lilacs45 it wasn't my mother-in-law, (though she was nearly as bad), it was another family member.
The young couple both went, just for Christmas lunch, then left and came to us for the rest of the holiday. So we saw more of them 🤷

As long as you and your husband are on the same page I would say try not to stress about his mother's attempts to control things.
Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her annoy you.

Wise words. She’s obviously being passive aggressive. You and your husband stay on the same page and meet her where she is. Decide to put in the same level of effort as your MIL and just live your life. Life is too short.

lilacs45 it wasn't my mother-in-law, (though she was nearly as bad), it was another family member.
The young couple both went, just for Christmas lunch, then left and came to us for the rest of the holiday. So we saw more of them 🤷

As long as you and your husband are on the same page I would say try not to stress about his mother's attempts to control things.
Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her annoy you.

V3ra

So, first Christmas after the wedding... how would you feel about a mother-in-law saying that her son would be coming to her house for Christmas, to be with his family where he belonged, and you could come as well if you wanted to?

Yes, true story 🤣

What did your husband say?

So, first Christmas after the wedding... how would you feel about a mother-in-law saying that her son would be coming to her house for Christmas, to be with his family where he belonged, and you could come as well if you wanted to?

Yes, true story 🤣

MissAdventure

If a person and their husband become one, as such, why would he accept bigger gifts from mummy than his wife gets?

Yeah that’s part of my issue…

If a person and their husband become one, as such, why would he accept bigger gifts from mummy than his wife gets?

Luminance

I wouldn't expect that same expense spared for a DIL as a son but an acknowledgement of those days should be forthcoming. At the very least a card and a small gift. I too find it rather strange that she buys for her son on father's day. I find that "icky" as my DIL would say.

Ehh I see marriage as becoming “one” and starting your own family separate from your parents so I feel like the family unit should all be treated the same as a family unit. Also once married you become family and should be treated all as family not separating out “real” family and “non blood” family. It should be where you can’t even tell the difference between who is your actual child and who is your in law child. Not treating every member of the family unit but one. It didn’t make someone feel good not to mention it’s not conducive for good family relationships. If the difference is a few bucks that’s one thing. But don’t buy your son gifts fit for a king and your DIL doesn’t go acknowledged or barely acknowledged. It’s not a good feeling as a DIL.

We took a family vacation a while back after we were already married and my MIL paid for my husband’s share of his vacation and nothing for me which really hurt. I was left wondering why she told him I will pay for your whole vacation but your wife my DIL is on her own rather than saying to both of us as a married couple, “hey guys I can give you x amount towards the vacation you choose what to put it towards rather that be the hotel, airfare, etc but the choice is yours.”

Not oh son I’ll pay for yours but her she is just a married in so she is on her own. The second presentation is at least more inclusive of the 2 of us as a married couple and she isn’t spending anymore money than she originally planned just wording it in a way that isn’t so hurtful.

I wouldn't expect that same expense spared for a DIL as a son but an acknowledgement of those days should be forthcoming. At the very least a card and a small gift. I too find it rather strange that she buys for her son on father's day. I find that "icky" as my DIL would say.

lilacs45

I want to seek out opinions on here since this forum is mostly the age of what a MIL would be.

I have been married to my DH for 5 years now and we have 2 children. I have what I consider a very positive and good relationship with my MIL. However one thing that really hurts me is the discrepancy in how I’m treated vs my DH and my children. My MIL goes all out on their birthdays with cards, checks, gifts etc and for me I’m lucky to get a text saying happy birthday. On Father’s Day my MIL gets my husband a nice Father’s Day gift and I get nothing. I always get very hurt and upset by this bc considering how my MIL treats me when I text her and when we visit is in complete contradiction to how she treats me on my special days in comparison to how my husband and kids get treated on theirs. I want to ask if this behavior is normal for a MIL towards her DIL but deep down I know that no it’s not normal for a MIL towards single out her DIL from the rest of her family in terms of birthdays and Mother’s Day.

It isn’t about the gifts as much as it’s about feeling like she doesn’t value me as a member of the family her DIL, her son’s wife, and the mother to her grandchildren. What the message is sending is my son is worth getting love and appreciation on Father’s Day as a good father but my DIL isn’t worth being showered with love and appreciation on Mother’s Day.

I’m just hurt that I’m the only one recognized differently. Surely she has to see how that would hurt me. I’ve been itching to say something for years now but what do I say? I really want to ask her why she ignores my special days.

I also can’t imagine if a MIL came on this board and said she treated her DIL like some sort of outsider while doing a lot for her son anyone would say, “yes treating your DIL like some sort of outsider is a good idea continue doing that that’s great for your relationship.” So his come when I’m the DIL in question all of a sudden for expecting what everyone on here says a DIL should be treated in the problem?

I guess to me it’s like we are married we become one so why is there such a divide? It makes me feel “less than” or like I’m not really a part of the family. Rather just the person their son married. I dunno I feel like when you marry you become part of said family so you should be treated equal and accordingly

“I feel hurt because I’m treated differently than others in the family and I would like to now(sic) why”

So, ask her.

I had no idea this thread was still going. Lilacs you have had a lot of good advice, not sure what else you are looking for, only you can solve the riddle of your MiL, nobody on here can do that for you.
You keep going round in circles with this. Time to take advice given here or do what you have decided to do about it, have no doubt you feel upset/hurt but in this case is best to actually stop agonising about it and ‘do’ something.

Family traditions are not all the same. Perhaps her own parents never gave presents or birthday greetings to inlaws.

I'm sure we all wish you well.
Whatever you decide to do (or not do).

Sometimes it is

sometimes it isnt

it depends entirely on the circumstances and you have had advice accordingly.

I suppose you wont know if telling her how you feel turns out to be a bad thing, until you do so.

Smileless2012

Well if you think it's worth possibly damaging the very good and positive relationship you say you have with your m.i.l. lilacs; say it.

So being honest with you feelings is a bad thing?

Well if you think it's worth possibly damaging the very good and positive relationship you say you have with your m.i.l. lilacs; say it.