I’m itching to just ask why?

I do think that would work lilacs.
And at least it underlines that you are a team and that you talk about things!

And it gives him the opportunity to chuckle about it too so needn't come over as aggressive.
And maybe she is forgetting things as she ages.

And maybe as the "man" his voice is always going to be the one she listens to anyway? My mother-in-law regularly runs financial things past my husband (who has NO interest in it and finds finance nothing but a chore) because she believes that "men understand this better".

I have given up being concerned about it. But I definitely used to be!

Great replies and advice to you Lilacs45. It is rare for Gransnet to be so unanimous, yet every time you come back at posters who are trying to be understanding and helpful. You are coming across as combative. Is that your normal approach? Maybe you could try to back off from the situations which you are finding tricky to handle. Look for the positives not the negatives. Leave those aspects to your husband to sort.

You have hardly mentioned your children. Does your MiL have a good relationship with them? That’s more important, surely?

I don't know that lilac is really combative, I think it's just a voice from another country and reads differently.

I've learnt that you cannot rely on those very close to you to READ how you feel as I once was told "I'm not psychic so if she doesn't read you well tell her eg " I feel hurt because you appear to treat me differently than others in the family and I don't understand why x good luck

but she is not a daughter or son, she is a daughter in law and she should just shrug this off, it is trivial and isn't worth sacrificing her current good relationship with her Mil for the sake of a few baubles on her birthday.

M0nica

but she is not a daughter or son, she is a daughter in law and she should just shrug this off, it is trivial and isn't worth sacrificing her current good relationship with her Mil for the sake of a few baubles on her birthday.

That’s what I want to say point blank, “I feel hurt because I’m treated differently than others in the family and I would like to now why”

Well if you think it's worth possibly damaging the very good and positive relationship you say you have with your m.i.l. lilacs; say it.

Smileless2012

Well if you think it's worth possibly damaging the very good and positive relationship you say you have with your m.i.l. lilacs; say it.

So being honest with you feelings is a bad thing?

I suppose you wont know if telling her how you feel turns out to be a bad thing, until you do so.

Sometimes it is

sometimes it isnt

it depends entirely on the circumstances and you have had advice accordingly.

I'm sure we all wish you well.
Whatever you decide to do (or not do).

Family traditions are not all the same. Perhaps her own parents never gave presents or birthday greetings to inlaws.

I had no idea this thread was still going. Lilacs you have had a lot of good advice, not sure what else you are looking for, only you can solve the riddle of your MiL, nobody on here can do that for you.
You keep going round in circles with this. Time to take advice given here or do what you have decided to do about it, have no doubt you feel upset/hurt but in this case is best to actually stop agonising about it and ‘do’ something.

“I feel hurt because I’m treated differently than others in the family and I would like to now(sic) why”

So, ask her.

I guess to me it’s like we are married we become one so why is there such a divide? It makes me feel “less than” or like I’m not really a part of the family. Rather just the person their son married. I dunno I feel like when you marry you become part of said family so you should be treated equal and accordingly

lilacs45

I want to seek out opinions on here since this forum is mostly the age of what a MIL would be.

I have been married to my DH for 5 years now and we have 2 children. I have what I consider a very positive and good relationship with my MIL. However one thing that really hurts me is the discrepancy in how I’m treated vs my DH and my children. My MIL goes all out on their birthdays with cards, checks, gifts etc and for me I’m lucky to get a text saying happy birthday. On Father’s Day my MIL gets my husband a nice Father’s Day gift and I get nothing. I always get very hurt and upset by this bc considering how my MIL treats me when I text her and when we visit is in complete contradiction to how she treats me on my special days in comparison to how my husband and kids get treated on theirs. I want to ask if this behavior is normal for a MIL towards her DIL but deep down I know that no it’s not normal for a MIL towards single out her DIL from the rest of her family in terms of birthdays and Mother’s Day.

It isn’t about the gifts as much as it’s about feeling like she doesn’t value me as a member of the family her DIL, her son’s wife, and the mother to her grandchildren. What the message is sending is my son is worth getting love and appreciation on Father’s Day as a good father but my DIL isn’t worth being showered with love and appreciation on Mother’s Day.

I’m just hurt that I’m the only one recognized differently. Surely she has to see how that would hurt me. I’ve been itching to say something for years now but what do I say? I really want to ask her why she ignores my special days.

I also can’t imagine if a MIL came on this board and said she treated her DIL like some sort of outsider while doing a lot for her son anyone would say, “yes treating your DIL like some sort of outsider is a good idea continue doing that that’s great for your relationship.” So his come when I’m the DIL in question all of a sudden for expecting what everyone on here says a DIL should be treated in the problem?

I wouldn't expect that same expense spared for a DIL as a son but an acknowledgement of those days should be forthcoming. At the very least a card and a small gift. I too find it rather strange that she buys for her son on father's day. I find that "icky" as my DIL would say.

Luminance

I wouldn't expect that same expense spared for a DIL as a son but an acknowledgement of those days should be forthcoming. At the very least a card and a small gift. I too find it rather strange that she buys for her son on father's day. I find that "icky" as my DIL would say.

Ehh I see marriage as becoming “one” and starting your own family separate from your parents so I feel like the family unit should all be treated the same as a family unit. Also once married you become family and should be treated all as family not separating out “real” family and “non blood” family. It should be where you can’t even tell the difference between who is your actual child and who is your in law child. Not treating every member of the family unit but one. It didn’t make someone feel good not to mention it’s not conducive for good family relationships. If the difference is a few bucks that’s one thing. But don’t buy your son gifts fit for a king and your DIL doesn’t go acknowledged or barely acknowledged. It’s not a good feeling as a DIL.

We took a family vacation a while back after we were already married and my MIL paid for my husband’s share of his vacation and nothing for me which really hurt. I was left wondering why she told him I will pay for your whole vacation but your wife my DIL is on her own rather than saying to both of us as a married couple, “hey guys I can give you x amount towards the vacation you choose what to put it towards rather that be the hotel, airfare, etc but the choice is yours.”

Not oh son I’ll pay for yours but her she is just a married in so she is on her own. The second presentation is at least more inclusive of the 2 of us as a married couple and she isn’t spending anymore money than she originally planned just wording it in a way that isn’t so hurtful.

If a person and their husband become one, as such, why would he accept bigger gifts from mummy than his wife gets?

MissAdventure

If a person and their husband become one, as such, why would he accept bigger gifts from mummy than his wife gets?

Yeah that’s part of my issue…

So, first Christmas after the wedding... how would you feel about a mother-in-law saying that her son would be coming to her house for Christmas, to be with his family where he belonged, and you could come as well if you wanted to?

Yes, true story 🤣

V3ra

So, first Christmas after the wedding... how would you feel about a mother-in-law saying that her son would be coming to her house for Christmas, to be with his family where he belonged, and you could come as well if you wanted to?

Yes, true story 🤣

What did your husband say?

lilacs45 it wasn't my mother-in-law, (though she was nearly as bad), it was another family member.
The young couple both went, just for Christmas lunch, then left and came to us for the rest of the holiday. So we saw more of them 🤷

As long as you and your husband are on the same page I would say try not to stress about his mother's attempts to control things.
Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her annoy you.

V3ra

lilacs45 it wasn't my mother-in-law, (though she was nearly as bad), it was another family member.
The young couple both went, just for Christmas lunch, then left and came to us for the rest of the holiday. So we saw more of them 🤷

As long as you and your husband are on the same page I would say try not to stress about his mother's attempts to control things.
Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her annoy you.

Wise words. She’s obviously being passive aggressive. You and your husband stay on the same page and meet her where she is. Decide to put in the same level of effort as your MIL and just live your life. Life is too short.

She has also said stuff like, “DH we want to see/talk to you alone about private family matters as if we aren’t married and aren’t one. Correct me if I’m wrong but when you are married you are a part of the family as well?” Luckily my DH had my back and told his mom that his wife is part of the family unit as well