I’m itching to just ask why?

lilacs your husband "has your back" - he can see how manipulative she is.
He has chosen you.

Lilac, its clear as this develops page by page you do not have a good relationship with MI. She irritates you, asks personal questions, is intrusive, you don’t feel as important as your husband.. Its what you have said. If it were me I would talk to her but not in a combative way. Only you can decide but you will probably get your husband to do it. This could very well cause a rift because obviously having two children of his own, they come first. If it were my son he would say something as our bond is strong and if his wife didn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't talk directly to me he would then keep out if it, its not his problem, he would continue to see me.
Would you want one of your children, when they are older and you didn't get on with their partner, be happy to see them go because of it? Its how she is. Maybe let him choose her presents in future.
You have asked for opinions and that is mine, others may well differ.

Yes, my opinion is different.
. If it were my son he would say something as our bond is strong and if his wife didn't want anything to do with me and wouldn't talk directly to me he would then keep out if it, its not his problem, he would continue to see me.

If it was my son amd he spoke to me in support of his wife I would be mortified that something I'd done or not done had caused him and his wife such distress.
I would immediately be brought up short and would go out of my way to make amends.

lilacs45

M0nica

but she is not a daughter or son, she is a daughter in law and she should just shrug this off, it is trivial and isn't worth sacrificing her current good relationship with her Mil for the sake of a few baubles on her birthday.

That’s what I want to say point blank, “I feel hurt because I’m treated differently than others in the family and I would like to now why”

Then say it point blank.

Sympathy with the husband!

Allsorts

Sympathy with the husband!

So you really think his bond with his mom should be stronger than the bond with his own wife?? The woman he made vows to stand by and support? That’s crazy to me. His wife is his future, the woman he makes everyday decisions with, his partner through life. Yes I would expect him to stand by me and put me first.

Is he able to do this Lilacs?

In what ways isn't he standing by you and putting you first? You've said that he agrees with you when it comes to his mother asking probing questions and no longer answers.

What is it you want? There's nothing I can see from your posts that suggests to me that the bond he has with his mother is stronger than the bond he has with you, it comes across as if you simply resent him having any bond/relationship with his mother at all.

Of course a husband and wife are the closest relationship there should be. Never would I doubt that. No vows are made with any other relationship. Perhaps they should be.

Is your name Meghan Markle?

eazybee

Is your name Meghan Markle?

Huh? How is the Meghan Markle situation even remotely similar to mine?

Smileless2012

In what ways isn't he standing by you and putting you first? You've said that he agrees with you when it comes to his mother asking probing questions and no longer answers.

What is it you want? There's nothing I can see from your posts that suggests to me that the bond he has with his mother is stronger than the bond he has with you, it comes across as if you simply resent him having any bond/relationship with his mother at all.

I was responding to the comment from, “allsorts” which heavily implied that the bond between mother and son (even after he is grown and married) should be stronger than the bond with his own wife and he should support his mother over his own wife. I would like to ask would you expect your husband to put his mother before you?

Luminance

Of course a husband and wife are the closest relationship there should be. Never would I doubt that. No vows are made with any other relationship. Perhaps they should be.

I was respond to the comment from, “allsorts” which heavily implied the bond between a mother and son is stronger than the bond between husband and wife. And that if there is an issue between the wife and his mother he should back and support his mother over his wife.

Luminance

Of course a husband and wife are the closest relationship there should be. Never would I doubt that. No vows are made with any other relationship. Perhaps they should be.

What other relationships should have vows? If you do that with other relationships than what makes the marriage vows stand out and more sacred than any other vows?

eazybee

Is your name Meghan Markle?

Also I do find it kind of hilarious how everyone of course goes to blame the woman in the relationship for the actions of a man. The man is grown and is not a young child so he stolen solely responsible for his own actions. Or are we just not holding men accountable for their actions?

This is sad. I think your MIL is one of those people who only regard blood relatives as family. You can ask her why she views you differently but I don’t know if that would help. I also think she might be jealous of you, especially as she is on her own. The situation probably won’t change so it’s up to you how you decide to handle it. She sounds like hard work and I wish you good luck.

Just had a horrible thought. Will this thread continue after Christmas because her husband gets a bigger present?

I think you have misconstrued Allsorts post lilacs. I've known her for many years and she would never imply that the bond between a mother and her son is or should be, stronger than the bond between a husband and wife, or that a husband should always back his mother rather than his wife.

I disagree readsalot as IMO it's lilacs who is jealous of her husband's relationship with his mother and it's her jealousy and her relationship with her husband and not her m.i.l. that's the issue.

You've been married for 5 years lilacs and have two children. You don't I think, see or even interact with your m.i.l. on a daily basis so why not concentrate on your husband and your children, and leave your husband's relationship with his mother to him.

It really does sound to me as if you simply resent your husband's relationship with his mother; that you are jealous and would prefer it if they had no relationship at all.

I hope not eazybee but I wouldn't be surprised.

eazybee

Just had a horrible thought. Will this thread continue after Christmas because her husband gets a bigger present?

I mean isn’t it generally advised on here that once your son is married you should treat your DIL the same as your son since she is the woman your son chose to share his life with and you should welcome her into the family and if you treat her as “less than” it could make her feel worse?

Some m's.i.l. and d's.i.l. have a good relationship and sometimes they don't. What matters, the only thing that matters is your relationship with your husband. Are you really prepared put that under pressure, to risk it even because you don't think your m.i.l. loves you as much as you think she should?

For goodness sake lilacs just enjoy and be thankful for what you have.

Smileless2012

Some m's.i.l. and d's.i.l. have a good relationship and sometimes they don't. What matters, the only thing that matters is your relationship with your husband. Are you really prepared put that under pressure, to risk it even because you don't think your m.i.l. loves you as much as you think she should?

For goodness sake lilacs just enjoy and be thankful for what you have.

It’s just that my mom’s MIL always treated her like a second daughter. She wouldn’t have dreamed of treating my dad or including him and not including my mom. In fact it’s one of the many, many, many reason I loved my grandmom so much. If she had treated my mom like some sort of outsider or like she was secondary and meant less than me and my father when my mom is literally half of the reason I exist I would have of course still loved my grandmother but I would have not felt as much warmth towards her if she treated my mother like that. Just food for thought you can go ahead and treat your DIL like some sort of outsider who matters less than your son and grandchild bc you know DNA and blood and all that but at the end of the day your grandchild will pick up on how you treat their mother. And think about it your DIL is half the reason that grandchild you love so much even exists. She cares for a loves her and is her mother and your son loved her enough to make vows to her and marry her surely that alone should mean she is treated the same as the rest of the family unit. I find people don’t take way to being “othered” and respond much better when they are included. It’s just common sense really. Also not sure what the other poster meant by you should make vows to other people besides your spouse.

Who is this situation upsetting? You obviously and maybe you H too, especially if you're constantly referring too it but I doubt your m.i.l. is affected.

Just let it go lilacs.

I love my daughters-in-law. I really do. I treat them as I treat my sons in - being kind and respectful and in terms of gifts.

They are not quite treated as daughters as I am more blunt/frank with my adult girls (who have known me all their lives) than I am with the women (and men) who have joined our family out of love rather than birth.
These special people are "allowed" to say more ridiculous things without me picking them up on it! . They have a different place in my heart because they love (and are the future of) my adult children.

Like the OP (and others) I don't understand the othering going on in her mother-in-law's case but I confess my relationships with the men and women who have joined our family is not identical to the privileged relationship I have with those I've loved since birth. As they grow older and we have more and more shared experiences and shared times I do love them all more and am increasingly grateful to them for the joy and support they bring to our family.

I don't know how I can help really lilacs in your situation except that your husband and children are a little "team" with you and so long as that is strong you can survive this and together grow in love and thrive.

Do not let this ridiculous woman get any deeper under your skin. Your children may notice her behaviour as they grow but will always know instinctively that the way she behaves is wrong. Show them that you are an adult here. There is no harm in telling them (if asked) that you don't know why she is like this. As they grow they will have their own thoughts about her anyway.
This is what I would do.
One day, if you are a mother-in-law you will know that this is not this way to behave!

You cannot change her.
If you can't let it go I would ask your husband to speak to her privately about it.
I think she is jealous of your husband's love for you.

Just continue to love your own little family and try to set this aside. I think, sadly, she will never change.

She maybe is jealous of her son's love for lilacs NotSpaghetti it happens, it happened to me but there's nothing you can do about it, and there's nothing your H can do about it either.

Is your own mother still around OP? I ask because I’m wondering if you really were hoping your MIL would become a mother to you, and has disappointed you in failing to do so. She is your husband’s mother and not yours, but in time your relationship may change and mellow if you relax into the situation as it is, thus giving affection and respect a chance to develop naturally.