I get hurt at Christmas

Speaking as an adult child, albeit, my parents died some years ago. I do think we can upset our parents and leave them feeling, 'out of the loop' quite unintentionally.

I realise myself that something I did without thinking over Christmas and my parents, did upset them - but, on the other hand - they never said anything, and if they had, I would immediately have changed what we did.

So I always think in situations like this, the first response should be to talk to your children and explain the situation. Now your sons are both married, they make Christmas arrangements with their family - wife and children - in mind and do not look at the bigger picture - such as what are their other siblings doing - .

I think what is lacking here is good communication, plus resolving the issues between mother and daughter. It should be done in a non-accusatory way, but in the spirit of friendly resolution.

Blessed Art it’s the way I write. I wouldn’t dream of separating my sons from their wives and families. Invitations are for all. And invited them many times but there is no point. They always go to the wife’s family

Monica I think that’s valuable advice. I’m going to action that. Thank you

It is one day of the year, get over it but try to ask her why she has decided.

Thank you Smileless2012. I found your comment a great comfort.

Is there any reason why your son's can't invite you to the celebrations with their in-laws?

Maybe your daughter's problem wasn't with you so much as her brothers, who never seem to take a turn coming to you for Christmas. Perhaps she'd prefer to do her own thing next year, while you invite one or both of your sons instead? Do you think you can suggest a change of routine in a tactful way which won't ruffle feathers? Sorry, not knowing the exact family dynamic, I can't be more helpful than this.

Forgive me…..I’ve not read all the comments.
I’m sorry your daughter has created an upset.
My husband and I hosted a great many Christmas days since getting married. Sister, brothers, mothers, grandmother. Nieces and nephews. Only on a few occasions did we get invite to theirs. The older generation have passed on and the nieces and nephews now have their own partners who, obviously, have families. As a result we host a dinner the week before Christmas. We’ve done this for about three years and it leaves everyone to go have Christmas Day with other parts of their family.
In the past both my husband and I have had to work bank holidays and quite anti social hours.
Now…..we are left alone on Christmas Day.
Once, when I was single, I help deliver Christmas dinner to those who had no one.
I’m not sure what I’d do if I was alone at Christmas but I do know I would do my own thing. Maybe go to our local church, maybe volunteer somewhere, maybe get together with others who would, otherwise, be alone. BUT, I’d do something for me! I’d have fun….even if I stayed home eating my favourite dishes, watching my favourite programs and movies and having sole use of the controls!!
Actually, now I also recall booking a singles trip away. It was fun.
By the way…sorry your daughter isn’t happy but that is her problem and not yours until she chooses to share with you.
Good luck, keep smiling……

I live alone, I have 3 DDs but every other year they go to in-laws for Christmas. Fortunately, my 1st daughter is local so I invite my DD’s in-laws because their other son goes to his in-laws’.
Many years ago, when they were alive, for several years, I also had my sil’s aunt and grandmother squashed round the table. I live in a flat, not much room but all 14 were happy to be there.
Maybe you could invite your AC’s in-laws next year.
In turn I do get invited sometimes to son in law’s family meals, eg, their New Year’s meal.

I think whatever you do seems to come with problems. This year we had everyone for Christmas, and now we are expecting them all for new year.
I’m not actually complaining, because it’s lovely to have them, but the amount of shopping, cooking, food prep, clearing up, changing out beds, constantly tidy up is actually quite tiring. They’ll be here till Thursday night, and I go back to work on Friday,
I know we are lucky they still all want to come, and I know we’ll have a really good time, lots of games and karaoke, a nice meal, but it’s hard work these days.

I hosted by myself this year for the first time since the death of DH, 4 yrs ago.
It's flipping hard work!
2/4 DC came and 4/7 DGC.
I think it will be the last time in this big house so I wanted to try for nostalgic reasons.
DS1 came after the meal and left before DD.
It was fine, thanks to the DGC but I don't want to do it again.
I could have gone to my DS1 but the others would go to their inlaws.
I am not bothered partly because there's a tension between the siblings.

I wonder, on reflection, if like nanna8 we were thoughtless when our DP were around.

I hope you feel better by now pigsmayfly you are not alone!

We alternate between Son & DiL and ours. Which works well. This year was different we had Christmas Dinner on Christmas Eve, it took the stress out of cooking on Christmas Day.

Agreed.

It's on the sons to make plans with their parents.

Son is a son forever, just as a daughter. Daft believing that ends when he marries.

Smileless2012

I agree that it's not unusual flappergirl but it isn't fair and I wonder why some of these in law's don't think about the other parents/GP's, who never get to spend Christmas with their AC and GC.

We always alternated between my parents and Mr. S's, and a son's a son for his entire life. You don't stop being your parents son just because you get married.

Maybe that ridiculous saying should be done away with.

Agreed.

Posted above why.

we always host simply because we are the only ones with room, our adult children either live in a one bedroom flat or a tiny terrace! They decide, and tell us when they will arrive, which is all well and good. There are no grandchildren, and we happily alternate with the inlaws and just change the day for Christmas lunch or whatever, we are not obsessed with having everyone here on Christmas Day itself. However, if I ever got to the stage where I thought my children were discussing whose turn it was to 'have Mum and dad' in a negative way, that is when I would book a holiday away. I would hate to think I was just being tolerated, however kindly.

I am sorry to hear you were hurt at Christmas by your daughter's remark, and even sorrier to hear that your married sons always spend Christmas with their wives' families.

I honestly think you will get nowhere if you try to alter this, so I suggest you spend some time considering alternatives.

Either as already suggest go away for Christmas yourself, or find some people you can invite. There are many widows and widowers without children who every year dread spending Christmas entirely alone.

Try to find someone who would be happy to come to yours, or volunteer at one of the organisations that host Christmas dinner for those who have no families.

Smileless2012

I agree that it's not unusual flappergirl but it isn't fair and I wonder why some of these in law's don't think about the other parents/GP's, who never get to spend Christmas with their AC and GC.

We always alternated between my parents and Mr. S's, and a son's a son for his entire life. You don't stop being your parents son just because you get married.

Maybe that ridiculous saying should be done away with.

A friend once said when I complained about something being unfair, ‘Turn your birth certificate over, and you’ll find it doesn’t say that life is fair’. Very true!

One friend told me that they always took their children skiing at Christmas and New Year so they didn’t have either her parents or her inlaws being unhappy with who her family spent Christmas with!

🌷

Invite them all to your house on Boxing Day.

I really feel for you pigsmayfly and I do think it is sad that people are just not perhaps quite as kind as we would like them to be, partly I suppose because everyone is so busy, and perhaps because there is more of a culture of 'you should be able to do what you want'.
I have four sons. I am hardly ever alone at Xmas because the youngest, who is 27, is still at home with me, which is no consolation at all because he is autistic and he also feels it if we do not get 'invited'. Mostly I do see the others over Christmas but it is always hit and miss as one of them definitely prefers his mother-in-law, one of them I fell out with a while back (long story) and although we speak things aren't 'right' and the other, who stayed with me for two years when he split up with his wife simply prefers the independence of his own space. The thing is I realise that I am very different from them. They are two separate families in a way, the two elder from my first marriage, the younger two from second marriage, and both marriages ended with me behaving badly towards their fathers (although believe me this was not one-sided!). Also, I am into esoteric things, I'm a counsellor and a healer with what many consider a 'wacky' take on life, whereas they are not on the same page at all. So there is not a feeling of 'tribe'. This is increased by the fact that the wives/girlfriends aren't on the same page as me, either. So despite the considerable financial help I've given the elder two, and the support for the younger (I have not been a bad or unloving mother, I don't think) we just don't quite 'vibe'. I try to accept the fact that I'm never going to be a priority. This year son No 3's mother-in-law was 'doing' Boxing Day, so he invited himself over on Xmas Day,.
Boxing Day Sons 1 & 2 invited me to son No 1's new house and all the grandchildren were there and it was lovely - BUT there have been times when it was not like that, just me and my husband (not the father of any of them!) out for a meal on our own, and I always feel uneasy about it. I know a year will come when I do not see any of them, so I try to brace myself. But it hurts - as mothers that's our lot I'm afraid!
I agree with the people on here. however, who have said try to talk about this. WHY do your sons and their wives never come? WHAT is it that your daughter 'isn't going to do again'. It's always best to talk, and to try to understand.
Good luck and a big hug!

No it doesn't say on the back of our birth certificates that life is fair BazingaGranny but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to make the lives of others as fair as we can.

That sounds like a good way to spend Christmas if you can afford it but an alternative is to not spend every Christmas with one set and never spend Christmas with the other.

Cabbie
I think you should go on that coach holiday next year.
It might be fun.
And even if not just regard it as research as if you were travel or food critic.
All the best.

Ziggy62

People will probably think I'm quite cruel and heartless
When both my parents were alive I felt obliged to invite them to spend Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day with us (we would sleep in our own homes). Other members of the family often joined us.
I often wished I could just enjoy time with my children instead of cooking and washing up for so many and trying to keep different age groups happy
One year my husband and young daughter took ourselves off to a cottage in the lake district. Just as we were serving lunch on boxing day my parents arrived (the cottage belonged to a friend of theirs)
So, when my own 2 children grew up and met their future wife/husband I wasn't at all upset if I wasn't part of their Christmas day plans.
Both my children live a plane ride away, my daughter was here last year, first time in 10 years.
Both of my children have busy lives, good jobs, they work hard and I think they deserve to spend Christmas however they want to.
I've had more than one Christmas alone, truly enjoyed the peace and quiet

I persuaded my youngest son to spend Christmas with his
‘girlfriend’ …he’s 43 and single, she’s 49. My other son, d-I-l and grandchildren live in Japan. At 79 next year, tho semi retired I still run a small business from home, I have health issues, and by the time I’ve wrapped the gifts for all in Japan, and other friends and sent off ? 40 odd cards I’m always exhausted at Christmas nowadays. I was VERY HAPPY NOT to have to clear up, tidy everywhere, sort new bedding and cater for youngest … spent a lovely peaceful time and chatted virtually on FaceTime to ALL the family in turn … so much better!
Tho whilst eating my solitary Christmas dinner ( paupiettes of Turkey stuffed and bacon wrapped, with all the trimmings) …I thought something’s wrong… on Boxing Day when re-doing the same meal I realised… I’d forgotten the cranberry sauce….! So rectified that mistake and had an even better meal !
I don’t understand all this outcry for having family every time. Yes it’s fun to play board games, etc etc, but at my age now I’m giving up ‘doing’ Christmas meals. If they want to come they can do it for me or take me out… !
My family from Japan came over this summer, but they stayed in an Air b n b up the road… and came to me for the early part of the evening … ( my grandchildren were 6 and 9 ) I cooked …sort of… ( a local veggie restaurant provided the meals for the first couple of days) , my air fryer and a judicious use of M & S provided a lot of easy cooking… and just having them with me for a limited time each day worked wonderfully for us all!
I live alone normally and only have one combined toilet / bathroom. The arrangement gave me peace and recovery time, as did this Christmas. New year is a non event!

Cabbie
See BA69 over on the bereavement thread. She just returned from her first solo holiday at a hotel in Blackpool.
And loved every minute
Has booked again for next year.
Do you like Blackpool by any chance... just had an idea ...

bluebird243

My gripe is that I sent [via sons and DIL] a grandson cash and small presents for him and his girlfriend. I never see him throughout the year, he is 25.

No text of thanks. Not impressed.

Stop~~~~

Well , so much seems to be invested in christmas, and not much about the real meaning of christmas, but adverts and the tv etc start earlier and earlier, so you are pushed into thinking and worrying about the christmas happenings far too early. If you are going to be the host, you are likely to feel more stressed than ever. Well I think we all put ourselves under too much stress about things. My sister , who had a very responsible job in central London, had had a hard year with staff illness and changes within the firm. She felt totally exhausted and worried that if she went to a big family do, she might get snappy or too tired to enjoy anything. She thought about it and then , whilst she didnt lie, she allowed the truth to be bent a little!! So when A asked if she would come and stay with them, she said that B had already asked her. Did the same to B the other way round. Now she allowed them to assume that she had accepted the others invite. So she then got in food that she liked, spent most of the first day in bed too exhausted to do anything. Then the next day she showered and washed her hair, and sat about in her dressing gown, watching what she wanted to, listened to the radio and eating whatever she felt like. She went back to work the day after Boxing day, very refreshed and ready to meet people. So she rang and arranged to meet everyone over the New Year. She felt slightly guilty but knew she was at the end of her tether, and when the other workers came in with tales of major rows and disasterous meals, she was glad that she had the ability to see that it was what she needed. Perhaps, just let the dust settle and then think just what you would like to do and see if it would fit in with the rest of the family. Might you alternate the time of year you meet, so you might spend Easter with someone, where the pressure would be less? Have you always fancied doing something totally different and felt that you cant change things. I had friends who had a very good cafe along the banks of a river , which was always popular. They used to advertise a totally non christmas menu from Boxing day onwards. Very simple beef stew, and casseroles and liver and onions etc. They were very popular with the plain and simple food, so people felt very virtuous as well as enjoying the food. So in about February you might make a bit of a study, and find out what friends have done and how it went , and you might get some ideas from them. Alternatively ,when things seem calmer, perhaps you might suggest that your whole family might try something different or time things differently. You say that you feel it puts too much pressure on the hosts etc. If you can show that the next christmas might be done differently , then the one after that you might make a new tradition which is fairer to everyone. Failing that , I would think what I would enjoy doing, and book that so that when they started to talk about what they were doing, you can simply say Oh you will not be there.