I get hurt at Christmas

Pigsmayfly - I feel for you. It can be an absolute minefield can't it. Hope you're ok. Keep smiling & here's to getting it resolved in 2025 xxx

Your daughter should have a word with her brothers and say, well Ive done my bit , now it is your turn. Love to be a fly on the wall when that is said.

We had all of our families for many years, my in-laws sometimes hosted, but always included my parents and my brother and his wife.
We did try a couple of times to have a Christmas with just the children, but it always caused upset, so if never happened.
My adult children tend to do a year with us, and a year with their in-laws, but then we get them all for Boxing Day. We actually enjoy our Christmas on our own.

My daughters alternate - seeing own parents one year then in'laws following year on Christmas day, then the others on another day during the festive season. As we all enjoy cooking, it really doesn't matter who hosts we bring a course or drinks or nibbles and it all works out. With 4 children you could probably host or go to 1 of them every year - just needs a bit of arranging! Talk to them all!

Regarding the saying about sons being sons till they get a wife - I think it's generally true flappergirl but that it tends to happen by accident.

I think (huge generalisation here) - that as women we tend to have been the family organiser - at least at sime point in our lives - and so women may just "get in first". My mother would always want to know about Christmas plans way ahead - and my mother-in-law started talking about Christmas plans in mid October.
My own daughter, when we were sorted about going to her on Christmas Day but helping with the catering sent me a "what to bring" list in November...

It would be mid December before most of the men in my family, older and younger ones alike, felt the need to know much about Christmas arrangements. I'm feel like them about this and can happily wait till just before - but I think I'm probably not the norm in that.

My own sons do like things to be "fair" so we do get to see them over the Christmas period but I'm not concerned about seeing them "on the day"
This perhaps makes it easier for me when they regularly go elsewhere? The hurt that the OP feels about Christmas is, it seems to me, about that one day.

If you want that particular day with family then (as discussed earlier) I think you should be trying to organise something.

Good luck.

PS - one of my daughters says to/of her husband "I am not the secretary in this house" - but if dates are critical then she really is!

DS1 and family alternate with us and DIL’s family.
DS2 always has Christmas Day at home with MIL (widowed).
Dd and family like to spend Christmas Day at home. No stress, no rushing about, dinner when they want it.

We all get together on Boxing Day. Suits us all.

No pressure on anyone and we all enjoy it.

Christmas is always a moveable feast in our family, not very organised, things just evolve somehow. Probably a nightmare scenario for some. But I think it works by avoiding rigid traditions which, if varied one year, can lead to hurt feelings.

I do t understand why the sons always have to do Xmas day with the in-laws, I have three daughters and two of them did turns about with the in-laws this year, only one could do Xmas day, though we saw the other daughters just before Xmas and just after. Next year it will be turns about again, so we will see two of our daughters Xmas day but not the third. It isn’t fair to do it any other way. And as parents of daughters we wouldn’t accept our married daughters always spending xmas day with us meaning the SILs parents felt left out.
I don’t get why this arrangement has been allowed to happen.

I’m rapidly thinking that families getting together for Xmas just doesn’t work anymore for a lot of people. I listened to a radio programme about this with so many people saying they won’t do it again. Like it or not, life has changed. I would just move on. We put too much emphasis on Xmas in my opinion.

NotSpaghetti

PS - one of my daughters says to/of her husband "I am not the secretary in this house" - but if dates are critical then she really is!

I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.

Our daughters are the same. Perhaps women actually aren't "secretary" very often. Most people split, alternate, share, imo.

Hi pigsmayfly, I’m a bit late to this post but I think your daughters comments are aimed at her brothers not you . They bugger off to their in-laws , leaving her to host Christmas for you, which isn’t fair on her . I’m in the same boat , my brother goes to his in laws and my sisters husband likes Christmas Day at their home with their ac . So I always have my mum for Christmas. I’ve resented this in the past but now my dm is 89 and very frail, I’m happy to spend time with her .
Op your daughter needs to have a conversation with her brothers about alternating Christmas. When my in laws and were alive , we always alternated Christmas.

I know how you feel bluebird243
I am in Sydney Australia, the other Nana is very competitive and I constantly feel left out , however I turn up to most family gatherings. My problem is I don’t ever ask for help from my son as not to take him away from his wife and family and it’s to the detriment of myself. I have just joined this forum and still navigating it.

Norah

I obviously didn't explain this very well.

You say:
I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.
This was (supposed to be) the point.

Often the woman in the house really does run things. Not just the finances - but the calendar too.

I guess we are lucky, as we alternate between us and my DS's in-laws, and have done so since before DS & DiL were married. All will change next Xmas though, as we'll be relocating back to the UK and close to my DD, who has already informed me that, from now on, we'll be hosting Xmas for her, SiL, and the other set of in-laws! It's good that we all get along together!

In the situation of the OP though, I can understand her feeling hurt. I can also understand her DD perhaps not wanting to host Xmas Day every single year. It's a lot of hard work, and it's really not fair that the OPs two sons never take a turn. It really shouldn't be like this. None of us want to feel a burden, or unwanted on Xmas Day, but some ACs really do need to think about how their parents feel.

How Christmas hurts us. I think I’m a little bit like this over thinking about the one day that we should be together. The adverts and films and the whole family thing gets to me. I have three sons who I get on well with throughout th3 year but come Christmas two stay with their families and one has Christmas Day with us. But for how long?

NotSpaghetti

Norah

I obviously didn't explain this very well.

You say:
I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.
This was (supposed to be) the point.

Often the woman in the house really does run things. Not just the finances - but the calendar too.

Obviously I misunderstood.

I do finances, every Monday.

I'm not secretary nor do I work out a calendar.

Given that approach must work for some, good!

I was referring to the "social calendar.

NotSpaghetti

Norah

I obviously didn't explain this very well.

You say:
I am decidedly not the secretary -- I choose finances/money.
This was (supposed to be) the point.

Often the woman in the house really does run things. Not just the finances - but the calendar too.

This thread was about Christmas. I assumed most people alternated or traded. We do not, we host Advent Sundays. Easy.

I suppose the only calendar is our daughters choosing, between themselves, which Sunday for their family. Date and menu are their choice.

NotSpaghetti

I was referring to the "social calendar.

Oh. Not applicable here.

Ha ha!
I know it's a "Family Christmas" thread so I was mainly thinking of that, but more broadly, I meant "family socialising".

If you have a lot going on, or a big family, someone has to do it!