strengthening my connection with grandaughter

What do you mean by strengthtening the connection? What are your expectations?

She is just a toddler and you are the adult

I think this is a common thing with this age group, my two and half year old grandson has done it at various times with me, my DH, his other grandparents, and his father. He has his favourites then promptly drops them and wants nothing to do with them, often shouting for them to 'go away' or 'don't come near me'. At one point he wouldn't stay in the same room with his other grandparents so babysitting him was impossible, but luckily we were in his good books at this time.
A pediatrician friend of my daughter said not to worry, that they only treat family members like this because they feel safe enough to do so, we are a sounding board for their often overwhelming emotions.
It can be upsetting, the other grandparents felt bad that we had to take over, but if you just stick with it and show your granddaughter that you are not phased by her behaviour am sure it will pass. We found it helped when my daughter hugged us and said she loved us, and asked our grandson if he wanted a hug too. Your stepdaughter could try this.
But seriously, it is just a phase.

Hello sharke. I have no experience of being a GM but didn't want to 'read and run'.

What stands out to me is you say you get really nervous when you visit because you're worried that your GD will reject you, but you're a very good actress and don't show (your) feelings.

I'm wondering if you're nearly as good an actress as you think you are and your GD is in fact picking up on the nervousness you're trying so hard to hide.

She wont know what she's picking up on but could well be aware that there's something 'different' about you which isn't the same as her GF and aunty.

I remember from your previous posts how lovely your step daughter is and is upset for you; could your GD be picking this up too?

I can only imagine how upsetting this must be and how desperate you are to have the relationship with her that you see she has with her GF and aunty, but I'm sure you'll get there in the end.

I'm sorry your H wont discuss this with you, is that because he thinks you're criticising his GD when all you're really doing is looking for some support and his help?

She's only 3, don't lose heart .

It’s hard not to get upset when you want to be close to the little one and she doesn’t want it.
You can’t force children they will come round in their own time. You asked if there was a gran who’d been through this. Yes I have. Our first grandchild used to scream the house down if she came to us . She wouldn’t let me cuddle her or hold her.
It too, a while but one day she just came a gave me a hug. She is now 21 and gives me hugs and cuddles all the time we are very close.
Try not to make too much effort in getting close to her, buy some interesting toys and sit and play with them yourself without making any attempt to interest her. Children are naturally inquisitive so if you are playing with something fun she may come and join in. Try not to worry this is so common.

It is not an unusual behaviour although I appreciate how upsetting it is for you. She is picking up on something, possibly your anxiety. Perhaps an air of indifference might be a solution. Smile at her and then turn away, don't make her the centre of your attention. Next time she is in your company fish an exiting looking toy out of your bag , don't invite her to join you , just play with it yourself, she may join you she may not - if she does show interest in the toy , just leave her to play with it . Don't be tempted to engage with her - just watch and smile if you catch her eye. Do this on a regular basis , may not be a toy .
might be a tin of exiting large buttons sort them into colours , line them up or play tiddly winks with them , a home made musical instrument or perhaps a large glossy picture book. Good luck and please don't take her ' rejection' of you personally.

We have the same idea Doodle!

And I think your husband doesn't want to talk about it because he knows you are upset. He'd rather pretend it's not happening because he doesn't know how to stop it.

Whilst I've not had a direct rejection - my husband has. One toddler granddaughter screamed if she saw him for a few months. Now she is his biggest fan and pushes past me to find him.

Small people are something of a mystery. Just be yourself, Stop trying and it will all come good in the end.

Love will shine through.

Hi I Totally undersgtand what you are saying. It is hard when you are rejected. My advice is keep going. I done a treasure hunt for my granddaughter, going from one clue to another. It could be as simple as clue (a cold place) this would be a fridge. She would follow the clues until she got a small gift a sweet or crayons. Don't gice up. I know how much it hurts too.

Perhaps step back, be pleasant but don’t try and engage with her too much.

You may find that piques her interest in you, if you don’t fuss and make it all a big deal.

I think she might be picking up that there's something "false" about you, after all you say you're "acting"!
Do you spend all your time watching her when you're there, trying to engage with her? That can be off-putting to children.
I'd say focus your attention on your stepdaughter, do a job, help her with something, let your granddaughter see that you're a trusted person to her mummy.

After a few visits in this vein, if your granddaughter has a favourite doll or teddy you could ask if they need a warm scarf or jumper and offer to knit one for them. Let her choose what colour, then take your knitting when you visit so you have something to do, and she can see you making it.
If she says no, just say, "Oh maybe another time then," and leave it at that.

Don't try too hard. Sometimes children need breathing space.
She'll come round in her own time.

shark61 I think you have got your problem the wrong way round. It is not why yourgrand daughter rejects you you need to worry about, but why a three year old behaving like this bothers you so much.

What you are dealing with is perfectly normal behaviour by a 3 year old, that seems to be causing you undue distress. You need to address the reason that such normal behaviour in a child should cause this address. Why is something as trivial, yes, it is trivial, as affection from a toddler distressing.

Like many others my DGS rejected me for several years around the age of your DGD, he much preferred his grandfather.

I did absolutely nothing, it did not bother me the slightest. He grew out of it and now at 15 we are happy and comfortable together and have been for years.

As upsetting as it is for you I would try to act as normally as possible around her. Don't go loaded down with presents or treats for her. You can't buy affection.
What does she enjoy doing? Little girls of 3 usually enjoy making things with lots of glue and glitter. Could you get involved with something like that or playing a simple board game. Orchard Toys have some brilliant games for smaller children. Reading a book, especially those where they could lift the flaps, were always a hit with mine.
At 3 she is very young and will come round given time. Until she does, don't make a big thing about it. Good job you're a good actress.

Agree with Hithere and MOnica.

OP you need to reframe your thinking as previous posters have advised.
My youngest granddaughter adores her Grandpa, they have always had a great connection and she would often run straight past me to get to him when she arrived at our house. And you know what? I LOVE it. He was still working when the older grandchildren arrived so didn't get much chance to build up that relationship in the way that I did. In your position I would lower your expectations and be a bit aloof but always have something a bit interesting in your handbag, something like magnetic stones or small stacking cubes in a bag that you can bring out at an appropriate point. NOT a gift, just something of yours that might pique her interest.

If she still puts things in her mouth I'd be wary of anything magnetic.
But the principle is good.

Oh, get a grip, she's a toddler,perhaps she just doesn't like you.

mabon1 that unkind and uncalled for. The poster is upset and asking for advice. Some of us really want to be able to cuddle and play with our grandchildren other don’t seem to care if they see them or not.
I can understand the wanting to be on good terms but trust me it will happen you just need to take it slowly.

Have you just tried sitting on the floor (if you can get down and up again of course) and just making something with Duplo; you could buy some and take it with you (charity shops may have some). Ignore her, she might be intrigued enough to come over to see what you're doing.
Or sit at the table making things with Playdoh.

Something that might interest her but don't approach her, let her come to you.
It might take time.

DGD2 always ran past me to Grandad although I was the one who looked after her.
She's lovely now (well as lovely as a teenager can be 😁).

Don't try too hard. In fact, don't try.

I see several of us have the same idea - worth trying.

Reverse psychology.

Does she have a real grandmother ?
Not being rude but possibly, to her, you are 'just' grandads wife and she's confused.

She won't realise at 3.

Some children have more than two Grandmothers.

And step-Granddads of course, although our DGD called their step-Granddad by his first name.

Getting cosy on the settee and reading a lovely book suitable for her age is a great way to connect with a child that age.

My advice would be to ignore her. In my experience children often seem to want the attention of people who don't show an interest in them, so rather than frequently trying to get her attention, play with her, etc., spend your time chatting to her Mum and anyone else who is around, and I bet you'll find that in no time, she suddenly wants your attention.