Difficult family

Sorry, I can’t seem to edit. (Th paragraph should say:
I asked my daughter to put the invitation out to both my partner and me, assuming that he wouldn’t come because of the uncle.

Have you had another thread about this I seem to recognise the story but it had answers to it

I pity you always expecting rows and angst. Why can't they behave like adults and be civil to each other for a few days?

Why on earth is she in a serious relationship with someone she resents. Are people expected to be around a couple who snipe at each other! Perhaps act as referees.

I think the poster is talking about her partner and daughter isn’t she Allsorts ? I m sure there was another thread with lots of answers
All very confusing

That confused me at first as well BlueBelle I think you are worrying in the main unnecessarily Mel25 surely as Baggs said everyone could make an effort to get along for a short time.

It’s another “story”.

Maybe you could all behave civilly for the sake of your daughter..

I vote for a visit from you to daughter, without uncle or your partner or anyone else.

Why complicate your life so much?

Just visit your daughter without your partner and do not accept the uncle's invite

Perhaps go alone, visit without your partner, as a "girls trip"?

Given, hard choice, but needs must.

I've read this conundrum before, good advice, maybe look to old posts?

I did not read it as your partner, sorry. I would go without partner and its what your daughter prefers. You can go somewhere nice with your partner anytime.

No, I don’t think so. Must be some other poor person struggling.

Thank you for the comments. Apologies for this being confusing. I haven’t posted before about this.
I agree that it makes more sense to go when I don’t have to see the uncle. Whether my partner comes or not will no doubt be another battle.
I do feel that if he had tried harder, been softer, we wouldn’t be in this mess. I recognise that my daughter’s feelings need to be respected.
She brought a boyfriend home before and it was fine. My partner was great with her and she liked us. However, with the uncle in the mix it is too likely to go wrong.
I’ll look for the other thread.
Thank you so much. It’s just so sad. I feel like my daughter’s feelings is punishing my partner by saying she wants me to meet her boyfriend first, no matter when that is. There is no need for that. Equally, I recognise that it comes from a place of hurt. All very painful for me as her mum.

How long has your partner been on the scene for?
It's not necessary for him and your daughter to be anything much other than polite and civil, surely?

I'm sure they can both manage that.

"She has a lot of resentment towards him because of his quick temper and negativity. He isn’t a bad person but can be inflexible and struggle to hide his emotions if he is irritated"

Your adult daughter is not punishing anybody, she may be just avoiding unpleasant interactions

You picked your partner, your daughter is not obligated to get along with him

We moved in together when daughter was 11. Before that dated since daughter was 7. She is now 36. He is polite to her and tries but she ostracises him and snips at him as she can’t let go of past resentment.
I suggested to her that partner and me visit at a separate time but she is not keen. Said she wants me to meet her boyfriend first. I don’t want to miss out on meeting him or damage our relationship by not putting her first and respecting her needs.
Thank you again. I cannot sleep with the stress of this.

Hithere,
I agree. Perhaps he needs to ‘ put up’ with the rejection even though he will never understand it and always feel hurt. Equally, I can either become alienated from my daughter out of a need to avoid confrontation with partner (which has been my trouble all along) or just say ‘I’m going without you because you’re too reactive when you don’t like how people behave.’
Wish me luck.

They don't get on, you must accept this, especially when visiting her home which should never be a place of potential bad memories. The invitation has not been extended to your partner so he should not believe he is included. Now you decide whether you want to visit with "uncle" and make plans to see your daughter. All adults here should be able to hear and understand that you are travelling a great distance and time with your daughter is a priority.

I'm wondering what the past resentment is about.
Was he unkind to her when she was a teenager?

I would say you either go and just both be cordial with the uncle (daughter may want uncle there as support if she doesn't like your partner) or arrange to go yourself and just meet daughter and her new partner alone so that neither your partner or uncle are involved. I wouldn't try to arrange to go without uncle there but with your partner - your daughter is an adult, she has decided she doesn't like your partner so shouldn't be forced into a situation she's not comfortable with. If her and her new partner go on to have children, you will be unlikely to be invited for a visit if she thinks you will always push for your partner to go. Your only other option is to speak to your partner, explain where he has gone wrong and how he has come across and tell him that he needs to take some accountability, genuinely apologise and try to rectify the relationship with your daughter (but she doesn't have to agree to that, that's her prerogative). You've said yourself he has a quick temper and can be negative - he needs to own that and change his behaviour or just accept the fact your daughter doesn't want a relationship with him.

you will be unlikely to be invited for a visit if she thinks you will always push for your partner to go.

This could be the nub of the problem - that your daughter feels she can never interact with you as an individual because you always want your partner to be included.
Indeed, you persuaded her to invite your partner this time.

It seems to me that it is time to prioritise your daughter, as you say .

Oh dear so much unnecessary angst .
As others have said visit your Daughter on your own . Mum & Daughter time is good & it will give you both. that breather from the tension that will be created otherwise .
It sounds like the Uncle has his own agenda going on but he has been kind enough to accommodate your DD so you could just accept that as WHY would you want your partner to go along to something that will 1) make him annoyed with the Uncle who he isn’t keen on
2) Will cause you & DD discomfort
3) give DD new bf a really bad impression of her family
Go along on your own , we all have relations that get on our nerves but suffer them for the better good relationships that we can nurture 🫶

Early stages. Only you are invited not your partner. He may be hurt by this but surely it is no surprise. Dd wants you and her uncle to meet her bf so I would just go along with that. A separate meeting with you and your partner is not what she has asked for and she may very likely say no. Go with her wishes. There are so many estranged threads on here it would be awful if you became one of them.