Missing family

I understand and feel for you in your present situation. Most of us can’t predict how things will turn out in the future. You did what you thought was best and found it lacking. I think you want to please everyone in your life and that is a blessing for all. When you throw in adult kids and grandkids in the mix it gets more complicated. I have been there and it’s frustrating for someone who wants to be happy but taking into consideration others around you. Sadly you can’t please everyone, I hope you will be able to sort out your situation and find contentment which you deserve. Best wishes to you😉

AuntieE
In an ideal world ‘the answer is Yes’ people do this .
For instance yesterday was ‘ Mothers Day ‘ here in the UK . My family 3 DC (not partners) 1 27yr old GS 2 Teenage GD’s plus 2yr old GGD came for the day . All laden down with food & drink which we all prepared etc .

My own particular issue with family times like this is that the GC ‘ rarely if ever’ help in anyway.
The eldest of the three yesterday is somewhat neurodiverse & everyone seems to tiptoe around them .
I am frowned at if I dare suggest the other 2 should lift a finger & help .
I mean we all apart from these three washed , dried , cleared the table , plates etc etc , I have no idea ‘why’ my own DD would think her DC would be exempt from helping !
Particularly as it was Mother’s Day for us all .

Life is always full of regrets and twists and turns but we cant control anything except for our attitude towards it.

I don’t think there’s an easy answer. I actually also live on the south coast and my family are all in London. It is hard work having them to stay and I’d like to see more of them! I’d love it to be different but I know I couldn’t live in London and they don’t seem to want to move closer to us. I’m essentially, happy here and so that is the driving force. I would choose what will make you happy…not other people but you. Once you feel contentment, I think the rest will fall into place ok.

Where do you want to be in 10 years time, then do it now. You can't rely on children as their lives are so busy the older your gc get and you move back a little.

I only live 1 hour from my grandchildren but they have school and friends and activities and clubs which keep them all busy so I don't see them as often as I did when they were toddlers, much as I'd like to.
Why don't you just explain you are struggling a bit and ask them to bring their own bedding and let them make up their own beds. A fair exchange for free accommodation!
Order your supermarket shop online and get it delivered and make use of ready meals and takeaways.
With regard to making friends, look in the library and at local magazines and papers to see if there are any groups/activities you might be interested in - or perhaps a local u3a. New friends won't just appear, you will have to make an effort to find them.
I hope it all works out for you

We have close friends who moved from the Fens to the Peak District just as their DD, who lived in a nearby village, had her third child. They were determined to live somewhere with mountain walks from the door and where the family could visit and enjoy the scenery. All was good for a few years, but they missed the GKs and visits from the family were hard work and not as frequent as expected. They have now moved back, but dont regret what they did at all. They fulfilled a dream and they are now much happier having laid the dream to rest.

This thread reminds me of something said to me as a child when I was complaining about life and thought that changing schools would make everything ideal - “Just remember that wherever you go you will always take yourself with you”. It doesn’t sound as if the place is the real problem.

Hi Debutante, I really understand how you feel, as I am in a very similar situation - having left the big city to go back to my hometown, along the St. Lawrence River, despite my adult children's disapproval. I would love to get in touch with you so that we share our mutual experiences. Please feel free to contact me in private at anytime.

I’ve always lived near the sea and have loved it but my children moved away from the area to find work.
I’d move in a heartbeat to live near my children and grandchildren if my husband would agree. Family are everything.

Let family help you. Changing beds takes 5 minutes for a younger person.
Suggest everyone brings a dish of prepared food with them. Make burgers with lots of salads. Bought pizzas with salad. Bought in desserts , cakes ice cream. Remember they love you and are coming to see you not a 5 star hotel. Don't stress.
Enjoy them.
If you make life easier for yourself you may start to enjoy where you are

I would love to live nearer the sea, and do miss it. We live in a city about as far from the sea as you can get, but it's easy to catch the train to get there. Something which I really enjoyed when my first marriage broke down was volunteering. I helped at the local hospice, was a room steward in an NT mansion and helped in a charity shop. There are so many things to get involved in also there are organisations like NADFAS or other local organisations. I'm afraid that it's true that unless you make an effort to go out and do something, people don't come looking for you. On re-reading this it all sounds a bit priggish, sorry!

A little of forethought would have been a good idea. Stop moaning, Some of us don't see family hardly at all as the live hundreds of miles away. A two-hour journey isn't too bad surely. I'm 83 and manage that quite well.

We used to talk about moving to the coast once our children had grown up and moved out. However, once we became grandparents after our DS became a dad at 19 and needed both financial and emotional support that dream was forgotten about. Our eldest DS only moved out at the age of 36. Our four AC all live fairly local and we now help out looking after our youngest DGD, our house is rarely quiet. In fact some days we barely get the chance just to have a conversation ourselves, we’re very lucky that our AC’s want to spend time with us as some many families are estranged these days and I’m not quite sure why this is.

Debutante, how brave you have been to move to the sea, but even braver to choose to stay with your DH. I am in a similar situation, Victor Meldrew doesn't come close. But I have such comfort in my home, my family are mostly local(except for middle son who lives in Australia), and it is a balancing act in pleasing him and doing some stuff for myself. I go out with my beloved sis every month or so, the children come over for meals occasionally. DH is good at cooking large meals and has many other good qualities, so, you win some, you lose some!!
I think I would consider moving back to be closer to your AC. They will give you support and comfort at whatever may be ahead for you. DGD all seem to grow up and away initially, but then you will still want to see them, as they make their own way in life.
I wish you well in whatever you decide, you have a lot of empathy from a lot of us on here. Life can be very tough, do what will make you happy.

And, as you say, moving gets harder as you get older, so think about doing it sooner rather than later.

We moved further away from our family in our 50s so that we could release some capital to help our four children get on the property ladder. We enjoyed our new house in the south west but 15 years on we've moved back to a lovely flat near the family which was a good decision - and because it is a less expensive property we've got more cash to help our families in the new stage of their life.
I'd say that if you realise you've made a mistake there is nothing to stop you from moving back.

How about meeting half way for lunch - see the app whatshalfway

Two hours isn’t that far. Could you meet half way? Pub lunch etc. maybe you could visit them? I’m 70 next year, if we have visitors, I have plenty of time to wash bedding etc. make cheaper meals, mince beef ur turkey beef can make some lovely meals. I hope you sort it out.

Can you afford to move back to London?
You may find things improve for you by the sea?
You must have really wanted to live the dream. As the DGC get older they may be able to stay with you without their DP, for holidays?

My in-laws moved 2 hours from us to the Northumberland coast when in their mid 60s. Our youngest DC loved to stay with them with her cousin. The older DC less often.

Then after about 15 years there they moved about 5 minutes drive from us. I don't remember any of our DC wanting to go there very often. Our family celebrations were often held in a hotel or restaurant.

It may have just been that they were tired as they aged and the DC had their own occasions.

I think returning to the sea is very overrated. If you don’t want to move again can you go visit them more? Clapham is easy peasy from the south coast.

My parents never intended to retire to the sea, but it is what they ended up doing. As both my father and grandfather were in the army my parents were well used to moving. So when they could not find a suitable retirement home where they were living when DF retired from a second career in banking, they looked in other likely areas.

If they saw a nice property, they viewed it and if they liked it headed down to the Library (in pre-internet days) to see what activities and groups there were locally that they would enjoy. If few or none, they moved on.

They went down to the coast to visit friends, happened to look in an estate agents window, saw their dream bungalow, went to the Library, found lots of groups locally doing things they enjoyed, bought the bungalow, joined the groups, and, as DF lived independently until he was 92, they lived there for nearly 30 years and made enough friends to pack a big church for their respectcive funerals.

Thanks everyone for all your thoughtful and helpful comments. I really appreciate the trouble you’ve taken to read my rather long posts 😉 and formulate your replies. And yes there are indeed other factors involved. It is a much bigger picture than I have painted with family tragedies and huge life events that have probably messed with my head and made me want to seek peace and tranquility. Nothing is simple in this life is it?
You have all given me loads of food for thought and I feel quite overwhelmed! It’s made me realise I’m a bit of a soft touch. Both my daughters and son in law work really hard work. The one with the children has an especially demanding full time job and it’s my natural instinct to want to give them a break when they come to stay with us. I want to spoil them and give them good food and tasty treats. They would happily make their own beds and always ask if I’d like them to take the bed linen off etc. Sometimes I can leave it on for the next visit but we also have other family and friends visit in between so it isn’t always possible. Because we are retired and have the time I feel that I want to spoil them while I am able, but realise that as I’m aging I will have to readjust my thinking and accept help with preparations etc. So if we do decide to stay things will have to change before too long. And with this awful shrinkflation and horrifying increase in food prices I will have to economise and make simple less expensive things.
I know my faults and I do want to try and make everyone happy at my own expense which isn’t really healthy.
I’m thinking we might give it another year and then make a decision. Our ex neighbours were in a similar position and held on here until they were 80 but selling, buying and moving was a real challenge for them. A lesson learnt!
Thanks again everyone it really has helped to receive such kind comments and helpful advice!

Instead of swimming in the sea, could you have a membership to your local pool and visit there once a day instead?

You need to get involved with 'local' things to keep yourself busy

Unfortunately if you have a less than happy marriage that will be the case wherever you live, however beautiful the view. Are you missing the availability of family because they provided a distraction from the reality of everyday life?