Cuckoo in the nest!

A reminder to us all- Never invite anyone to join a small group without consulting the other members first.

Poor guy. I bet he wishes he'd never asked to join you now. Why can't you just be friendly with him?

Tenko

I wonder how your ladies would feel if new lady joined for coffee? Would she change the dynamics of the group as she’s new and doesn’t know anyone?

Probably more or less the same. Not quite as she would be female but anyone would change the dynamic of their group.

I had to look up what ‘misandry’ meant.

I wonder how your ladies would feel if new lady joined for coffee? Would she change the dynamics of the group as she’s new and doesn’t know anyone?

You may very well find that after joining you for coffee the first time he doesn’t want to do it again which will solve the problem for you.

Well I must admit if it was me, I certainly wouldn't want to join your group of "ladies". Judgemental or what. Your friend only knows one side of the divorce story, perhaps the man needs support if he's a carer, you know a bit of socialising, good for them both. What a miserable bunch.

Just self preservation for people in a very difficult decision.

Obviously being nice is too difficult for some and do I detect misandry in some of these posts.

Goldieoldie15

Please try to be a little more generous and welcoming and tolerant. Just think, one day it might be you

So you just ‘put up’ with having this chap in the group, because you are being welcoming and tolerant?

How often do we see on GN that by this time of life you are going to do what you want to do, and not to ‘fit in’ with others?

This seems a case in point, not being unpleasant, but not just carrying on with something that doesn’t make you happy.

Of course, as said before, a pity you didn’t discuss it with the others before agreeing for him to come….

Please try to be a little more generous and welcoming and tolerant. Just think, one day it might be you

Why don't your original group of ladies meet at another time in another place and accept meeting at a place where there will be a mix of species attending is likely to happen.

If he is a paid carer, then shouldn't he be with/near his charge, and not taking time off to have coffee and chat?

Too late for you now, but personally I would have checked with the other current group members before the invite.

I expect he just wanted to fill in the time while he was waiting for his ‘man’ to get finished, and thought he would tag along with your coffee group.

I wouldn’t really want him there either, but agree it’s awkward now you’ve let him come along.

I'm afraid I wouldn't have the bottle to tell the poor chap he wasn't wanted.

A different scenario, but my DF used to attend army ex-comrades reunions. Someone suggested that they should be able to invite spouses. It completely changed the dynamics because the spouses had not fought in WW2 and could not relate to the reminiscences and, more importantly, the ex-Army attendees felt inhibited. In the end the reunions finished.

Perhaps the OP’s ladies also feel a bit inhibited having a man in their midst. Just a thought.

Jackiest

Is it really so difficult to be nice to people.

The OP needs to look after herself first so she can best help her husband. It's common sense!

I run a small group and the same thing happened. The way it worked out was 2 blokes actually joined and they talk together and the rest of us women ( usually 6 or 8 of us) also talk together. Can you get another male to join so he can chat with him? Our two fit in well and like each other. Very Aussie I know - every BBQ has a group of men and a group of women who just separate out naturally. Shocked me when I first came across it but now I like it, just seems natural.

Is it really so difficult to be nice to people.

Well said V3ra
Best to say it how it is.

...we have a chat and moan about our trials and tribulations, we have become quite close and I would class them as good friends.

This is the important difference between yourselves and the paid carer. The three of you need this time together, in a way that he doesn't.

I think you need to explain this to the carer and say you're sorry but you've realised that him joining you for coffee doesn't allow you this precious time to discuss private issues about your husbands together, which you need to do.

Don't let it drag on though, do it now.
He'll understand.

I go to, was in at the start of a weekly yarn group. Lots of ladies it's all ladies have joined over the years so we now have to hire a bigger room.

Recently we were asked by the Council, if a woman could join us who is brought by her paid carer.

The lady herself is fine but the carer sits at the side, looking bored, on her phone and refuses to join in. Thus to my mind the whole dynamic has changed.

It doesn't really matter but I do appreciate what you are saying, I think.

In your situation, perhaps he may will get so bored , he'll drop out.

Once, long ago, our babysitting group decided to get our DHs to babysit while we all went to the pub for a girlie night out.
One of the DHs came along in place of his DW. He never babysat and it felt odd, like he was spying on us!

He even flirted with one of the mums! We never did anything like that again.

I would tell him we arent going for coffee today and meet the ladies elsewhere

The mental well being of the unpaid carers trumps being polite. It's the oxygen mask principal. Look after yourself so you can help others.

A paid carer presumably gets down time.

Granny62 please make sure you and the other unpaid carers contact AgeUk (or someone similar) to ensure you are getting all the benefits and carer support available. (Sorry - hobby horse time)