Cuckoo in the nest!

If he is chatty, pleasant and acting nice then he is not the problem.

I’m guessing this is a stroke rehabiliation class or something similar else why are all the attendees accompanied?

I am assuming there are more than four people doing the class.

One way around this would be to invite all the escorts to go for coffee while the class is taking place so there are more of you and you can split into several groups.

Other than that, it is up to the person who has the issue with the man to find some solution. They shouldn’t be letting their prejudice over something that happened in the past influence other people or spoil things. Remember there are always two sides to a story and she has probably only heard one about the divorce.

Could you persuade your husbands and any other male attenders to form a separate group for coffee and chats?

Discuss knitting patterns and have a long detailed discussion about post menopausal depression, that should be enough to encourage him to find somewhere else for coffee.

foxie48

Discuss knitting patterns and have a long detailed discussion about post menopausal depression, that should be enough to encourage him to find somewhere else for coffee.

Exactly what I was thinking! 😄

Squiffy

foxie48

Discuss knitting patterns and have a long detailed discussion about post menopausal depression, that should be enough to encourage him to find somewhere else for coffee.

Exactly what I was thinking! 😄

How would we feel if we were the only woman in a group and they all started talking about football or something they knew we would not be interested in just to get rid of us. That would not be a nice thing to do and would say more about us than about them.

Poor bloke, if you get on ok with him I wouldn’t do anything, it’s your coffee friend who has an issue, trying to alienate or segregate him just isn’t a very kind thing to do.

You're absolutely correct but these women are entitled to spend enjoyable time together and didn't invite these men to join them. Group dynamics can change very easily. I belonged to a group who used to meet monthly but just one new member completely changed the dynamics and we no longer meet up.

Jackiest

If he is chatty, pleasant and acting nice then he is not the problem.

Exactly, he should just be welcomed into the group, as another carer with similar caring problems to everyone else.

Yes, the dynamic will change, but if anyone new joins a group the dynamic changes. it is up to the member with problems to find her own solution - and it does notinclude freezing this man out.

But, the op wants to remain friends with the original 2 women.

If they are carers, as someone suggested, then it is important for their wellbeing that the original 3 are happy.

We have invited the other carers (it's not a big group) to come but they like to do their own thing, one walks the dog and another likes to just have a wander. It's not only about his past its just the feeling of group was different, we are just going to cross our fingers that he will get fed up with us , I might keep suggesting to the carers that don't come to come with us again. But tbh I just want our little group back, I know I am a people pleaser, just want everyone to be happy. 🙄

kittylester

But, the op wants to remain friends with the original 2 women.

If they are carers, as someone suggested, then it is important for their wellbeing that the original 3 are happy.

Yes that's it exactly, we do all regard this time as " our time" we are with our DH's 24/7 we don't get a break this is our little respite.

Having just read the OP's first post again, the guy is a paid carer doing a job, the three women are unpaid full time carers for their husbands. In my book they are entitled to time to enjoy each others company. Actually I'd just be very open and say to the newcomer that they'd prefer him not to join their little group because it's the only time they get time together and some of the conversation is very private. I'd reassure the guy it's nothing to do with him as a person. He's in a very different position to them and they deserve their time together.

It's a lesson learnt that you might have been better saying you would consult the others first.. but now maybe just be honest and say that the others wish to continue as a small all women group..

Very good perception of the situation foxie. I agree with you and with Kitty, these ladies need their private time together. I fully understand how the group of ladies feel about the paid carer joining them. He really doesn't belong. I've been a long term carer for my late husband. When you're in the 'same boat' there are things to be discussed which are personal and private issues. The paid carer shouldn't intrude. He should know better than to suggest it in the first place.

Being nice often means you don't get to do exactly what you want but it does get noticed and people tend to be nicer to you. Yes there are exceptions but are they people you want around you anyway.

pascal30

It's a lesson learnt that you might have been better saying you would consult the others first.. but now maybe just be honest and say that the others wish to continue as a small all women group..

This.

I think foxie48 has summed up the situation very well. The whole dynamic of the group will have changes by the inclusion of the man who is a paid carer, however nice he is.
Plus pascal30 has suggested a really good solution.

Jaxjacky

Poor bloke, if you get on ok with him I wouldn’t do anything, it’s your coffee friend who has an issue, trying to alienate or segregate him just isn’t a very kind thing to do.

Well said Jaxjacky! It's a meet-up for a cup of coffee, no need to be nasty to the man

The mental well being of the unpaid carers trumps being polite. It's the oxygen mask principal. Look after yourself so you can help others.

A paid carer presumably gets down time.

Granny62 please make sure you and the other unpaid carers contact AgeUk (or someone similar) to ensure you are getting all the benefits and carer support available. (Sorry - hobby horse time)

I would tell him we arent going for coffee today and meet the ladies elsewhere

I go to, was in at the start of a weekly yarn group. Lots of ladies it's all ladies have joined over the years so we now have to hire a bigger room.

Recently we were asked by the Council, if a woman could join us who is brought by her paid carer.

The lady herself is fine but the carer sits at the side, looking bored, on her phone and refuses to join in. Thus to my mind the whole dynamic has changed.

It doesn't really matter but I do appreciate what you are saying, I think.

In your situation, perhaps he may will get so bored , he'll drop out.

Once, long ago, our babysitting group decided to get our DHs to babysit while we all went to the pub for a girlie night out.
One of the DHs came along in place of his DW. He never babysat and it felt odd, like he was spying on us!

He even flirted with one of the mums! We never did anything like that again.

...we have a chat and moan about our trials and tribulations, we have become quite close and I would class them as good friends.

This is the important difference between yourselves and the paid carer. The three of you need this time together, in a way that he doesn't.

I think you need to explain this to the carer and say you're sorry but you've realised that him joining you for coffee doesn't allow you this precious time to discuss private issues about your husbands together, which you need to do.

Don't let it drag on though, do it now.
He'll understand.

Well said V3ra
Best to say it how it is.