Helping son's GF pay for my DD's hen

redhead01

Sorry to sound dumb but what is DD ?

DD - Darling Daughter.

Pinkboot it's been 10 days since your OP what did you decide to do? Did you find out how much the hen do was costing ?
I can't be the only one who is wondering what happened.

Honestly, Pinkboot, I hope you have a bottomless well of money because you're nobody these says if your hen do isn't held in a rocket going up into space. 👩‍🚀👩‍🚀👩‍🚀👩‍🚀👩‍🚀👩‍🚀

I didn't have a 'hen do ' when I got married though my ex had a stag. I was very relieved that my DiL had a 'sensible' hen party in a church hall by the home of one of her bridesmaids whose dad was a vicar. As mother of the groom I was accomodated in the vicarage along with the mother of the bride. The youngsters slept in the church hall on lilos etc. We had lots of fun activities during both days, including sewing bunting for the wedding itself, and went out to a local indian restaurant for a curry. Much better than spending a fortune on an extravagant trip. My DiL is very sensible with money. Now she's a mum she gets most of the children's clothes on 'vinted' and I'm glad she was brought up with the same values I've tried to instill in my own offspring. Son had a stag weekend which included going to an escape room but no trips abroad.

JamesandJon33

Sorry, I thought OP was going into the poultry business. 🐔🐔

OP didn't ask how we think young people should spend their excess money. OP didn't say money should be saved for home deposit in preference to a hen do. OP said she'd like to contribute and asked how.

Perhaps money in a card, next you see GS girlfriend?

It sounds a very uncomfortable event to be attending. Is there no consideration for people's finances these days? Are these all very young brides organising these silly, extravagant and self-indulgent occasions? The country is in a mess. Most people are really struggling to get through each day financially. A bit of life experience goes a long way in understanding and empathy.

Keep out of it. If people want to spend ridiculous amounts of money on "showing off" then that is their choice and they should pay for it. I would save the money that you are thinking of giving for when your son and Jane really need it themselves, i.e. a wedding, house deposit etc. Hens and Stags, baby showers, Gender reveal parties, the world has gone mad.

I think spending lots of money on hen and stag dos is a bit ridiculous. Expecting attendees to pay big sums is IMHO, wrong. And is your son’s GF a friend of your daughter? If she isn’t, she shouldn’t be going.

Ps If I wasn't short I would donate to the hen so no-one had to bear the full cost as it is a one off, if you can’t afford, it do nothing.

Its very over the top now for everything, even children's birthdays, the mother's outdo each other. I don't know if I would fit into the world as it is as it’s just not me, I would say no especially i really didn't want to go or couldn't afford it. However if your son’s girlfriend really wanted to go and was hesitating because of cost I would give her the money if i could afford it. I have done that myself in the past, paid for holidays etc.

Sorry, I thought OP was going into the poultry business. 🐔🐔

So many comments judging the cost of the hen do ! That’s not what is being asked . How lovely of you OP to think of helping . You have a lucky family to be such a thoughtful person and to not be judgmental about the costs ! Each to their own. It’s very nice of your DD to ask her brother’s girlfriend and whether ‘Jane’ really wants to go or not it would be very hard for her to say no without giving offence. You can’t give her a birthday present and then tell her what to spend it on but of course she could spend it on that. Is it worth having a word with your son about it ? I’d just try and be as open about this as possible with Jane and say you understand there are a lot of expenses with the wedding and as part of the family ( after 4 years ) you’d like to help out, as you do with your own children. Perhaps it would be easier if you offered to buy something like the outfit she wants for one of the occasions ?

I am always amazed by the amount of money spent on all aspects of weddings these days. This leads to people who have been together for some years and have maybe two children together claiming that they can't afford to get married. What a strange state of affairs we are ended up in!

Nandad. If adults can't say No to modern day social extravagant events in case they are ostracised how on earth can we expect the young to say no to eg all the pressure of drug use, knife crime, vandalism.

RosieandherMaw Totally agree. Like children's parties too.

Benefit not benwfit

Ok , could you as the Bride's Mother say to 'Jane'-' If I was going on the hen night I would have normally paid for meals and drinks but as I'm not, I want you to have x amount to enjoy and make it a good night for my daughter' This way it looks as though it's to benwfit your daughter's night rather than offering 'Jane' a direct hand out that might make her uncomfortable.

I would speak to DS and his GF first. Giving money to help with expenses can be a nice gesture but no-one likes to feel like the poor relative. Can her parents offer financial help? I might offer to buy her outfit for the wedding if it didn’t offend her or her parents. Some people can be sensitive regarding financial situations.

TBsNana nailed it - practical and diplomatic approach.
But as to everyone who thinks that hen nights are a new thing, I had one in 1973 - as did all my friends! Had another in 2015 - 8 of us away in a cottage for a weekend. Kept the costs down with self catering and minimal dressing up 😉.
Both of my DDs have politely declined invitations to hen parties - it has never been a problem.

Sorry to sound dumb but what is DD ?

srn63

I thought this was about chickens. Sooo dissapointed.

DITTO! 🐓🐓🐓🐓

Previous message was for PinkBoots5!

Keyboard warriors can and frequently do say anything they want sadly! It may not be what we did when we were young but times have changed. I think it’s lovely that you want Jane to be able to go. Maybe sound your son out first as to whether she would really like to go then if you have the relationship with her that I suspect you do, maybe just be upfront, say you consider her a member of the family and would like her to be involved with the wedding and would she accept something towards the hen as a gift or early birthday present. It may be the case that if the other hen’s are older than her she may feel out of place but won’t want to admit that. Our son didn’t go to our son in law’s stag do abroad as he was much younger than the others and said he’d have nothing in common with most of them. He was 24 at the time and my son in law and his friends were 31/32. They had an evening out in London with the Dad’s, uncles and close family friends instead. The age gap has diminished over the last 8 years and they’re great friends. The other alternative is maybe if your daughter is willing have a hen afternoon or evening which just involves family. Wishing your daughter and her future husband every happiness and enjoy being MoB!👒

I've never been asked to an expensive "hen" but it did cost the best part of a grand for (just) my OH and I to attend my niece's wedding eight years ago(hotels , outfits, weekend care for the dog; cash wedding gift; transport ; spending money).
The idea of spending hundreds on a hen seems ridiculous to me.
More money than sense as my late mother would say.