Advice please; I am really torn.

Your Aunt is still alive and she is 99, her party does trump the funeral of a person you were friendly with but haven't seen for ten years. A sympathy card to the family and say that you will plant a tree via the Woodland Trust or another charity that plants trees, there are a few, the National Trust was planting trees at one point and you could buy a tree for them to plant, I bought trees for my mum's 80th birthday and for her funeral in the January.

If you want to feel part of the funeral service ask if it will be streamed online. Many are these days and and are often available to watch for up to a month if you can't see it on the day.

We did this for my aunt's funeral. I was able to open the link and show it on Dad's television.
It worked well for us, rather than a lot of travelling and having to stay in a hotel overnight with a confused 94 year old.

And I agree also. Diolch ladies ❤️

Cadenza123

Send a card to the next of kin and go to your aunt's party. No need for any guilt.

Yes! Agree and all those here saying the same

Definitely go to your Aunt's party. Condolence card and possibly a donation for your deceased friend. If you want to feel part of the funeral service ask if it will be streamed online. Many are these days and and are often available to watch for up to a month if you can't see it on the day. Enjoy the time with your Aunt.

Go to your Aunt's party, if you are able, why not book a hotel or B&B and stay the night? I've done this for distant family events. For the funeral, send a card.

Diolch LovesBach. That’s just it…what will others say. Well thinking on it, those that known and understand me will agree with my decision not to attend the funeral. My aunt will be immeasurable pleased. I only wish I had my bridesmaid dress… Though I was only five. 75 years ago.

Definitely Aunt - go and party! And yes, lovely ideas re cards and memories for the person you were 'friendly' with. A ten hour journey is far too much. Be kind to yourself.

Meant in the kindest possible way; we can overestimate the importance of our presence at any given event, particularly if we feel guilty at not attending. Think about what might be said - someone may ask if you were coming, and the response would be that you have a big family event and cannot make it - but you sent a card/flowers/a letter. Would you be annoyed at that situation? So relax, and enjoy your family birthday party.

Sound advice! Enjoy your aunt's party.

Wise words * TYTBAG*

Give your time to tge living. I have family who harp on about dead relatives, how they miss them blah blah. Yet these same people take very little if any time to contact those still living. Makes no sense to me. Keep your memories of those gone but keep in touch/visit those still with you. Your feelings about them aired when they are dead mean nothing to them.

JandJ truth is, you had committed to a prior arrangement over the period in question. So you can truthfully say that.

Us oldies can't do two events back to back, we need a "buffer zone".

Enjoy your Aunts party , it could be her last and you will be missed . Perhaps you won't be missed at the funeral so much . Don't feel guilty . You'll be thinking of your friend , raise a parting glass to her and celebrate your Aunts 99 years in her honour . I'm sure she would tell you to do what we've all said , if she could .

What everyone has said. I liked the idea of considering a brief letter condolences/memories tucked in the card if you think there won't be many there, you never know it might be really appreciated.

Have a good Auntie birthday.

We’ve just done 5 hour up and 5 down journey, just because my friend wanted to see Canterbury Cathedral. It was on her bucket list and her son promised he’d take her. He invited me along to keep company with his mum. Went on Thursday, returned Saturday. Fortunately my IBS didn’t play up.
JandJ - family first

Agree with the other comments no need for a road trip or a guilt trip for the funeral of someone you haven't really seen in 10 years. Send a card to the family and go and enjoy your Aunts birthday celebration.

🥹

All other things being equal, the dead person is dead and won't miss you like your Aunt would.

Totally agree with all above posts. And you will enjoy aunt's party, catching up with her and the rest of the family. Probably won't, the funeral. The invitation to the funeral probably came because the relatives were going through her address book and not remembering you at all. Enjoy party!

Cadenza123

Send a card to the next of kin and go to your aunt's party. No need for any guilt.

Agree with this.
Family first……..always.

If the family of the deceased friend are asking for donations to a charity you could contribute to that. Guilt is not helping and you have no need to feel it. It is a long way to go and your aunt is alive and hoping to see you - probably she is your priority.

Send a sympathy card or preferably write a letter (as I do).

❤️

BlueBelle

Goodness surely a ten hour journey there and back for someone you are not close with is out of the question
I m not a funeral goer myself so dont really understand the need to go to peoples I haven’t seen for years or aren’t close to
If you haven’t seen the need to visit or see her during life why would you feel guilty in death
Send flowers or donate to charity in her name

This.

I only attend family funerals. Not family, send a card.