Unannounced visits !

I'm not remotely concerned about your mum's unfettered access, never mind annoyed🤷‍♀️. As I said, we all see these things differently, but it is not fair to say that those who disagree with you don't love their mothers. That is ridiculous.

Clearly, you now feel that such remarks can be hurtful. If that means you think I have 'given in' to sarcasm, so be it. I don't see my comment as any more or less unkind than yours. I directed it at you, as it was intended to respond to your remarks, not as a general viewpoint.

The difference is Doodledog that my comment was my general and honest viewpoint, and yours was simply a sarcastic and personal remark, based no doubt on your annoyance that I allow my Mum unfettered access whenever we’re at home.
It’s what posters sometimes give into when things aren’t going their way.🤷🏼‍♀️

DsNanny, some 25 years ago, I read a book, Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. I was going through a terrible divorce after a 30-year marriage and looking for help navigating life as a single mom to two middle schoolers. It was insightful, but seemed more for estranged/difficult parent/child roles than splitting spouses. You might find it helpful. Also, many families are not a storybook and boundaries are necessary. My husband's mother ran off with another man when he was 10. His father sent the kids (my husband, a younger brother & sister) to an orphanage, saying I've done this once, not doing it again. His maternal grandmother petitioned the court for custody of all three children. A couple of years later, his mother returned with the new husband & a baby girl in tow. Fast forward 40 years, after many years of a dysfunctional family, he tried to get his mother to see his sister. His mother's words, "It's not worth the trouble." I wish you much happiness and strength in making decisions that are best for you and your family.

Oreo

That’s supposed to be funny is it Doodledog as opposed to just being bitchy?

I think it's in exactly the same tone as your comment about people who love their mothers not minding them dropping in, and screaming 'toxic'- so you decide.

I don't think that loving one's mother is remotely related to willingness to let them have immediate access to your home. You're the one who set up a hierarchy of love.

Was your comment below sarcastic, or 'bitchy'?

Yeah really, that’s how many view close family members, shrieks of ‘toxic’ if their Mother dares to pop in without making an appointment like a dentist.
A poster says it’s nothing to do with love or not but I beg to differ, as if you love your Mum you will never object to her wanting or needing to see you.
Thos who don’t love their Mothers or even like them very much will naturally object to them popping in.

Oreo

It’s to stop anyone walking in on us when we may be naked and loved up.

No such luck ha

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

I had a lovely MiL and loved her dearly. My response to her would have been exactly the same as my response to my own mother. But then she, like my own mother would never have dropped in without asking first. Like my mother she realised that parents should step back when children marry and not intrude on their privacy.

Back in the 50/60s it was reasonably current to knock unannounced. Later people phoned beforehand but these days even phoning is seen as intrusive.

It’s to stop anyone walking in on us when we may be naked and loved up.

That’s supposed to be funny is it Doodledog as opposed to just being bitchy?

Ah, well obviously you can't love your mum as much as those who give out keys. 😢

JdotJ

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

Exactly after all, she's a mother who is 'probably lonely'

OR, would you welcome a parent with open arms at any time, if they had made your childhood a living hell.

I wonder

It’s a bit of a silly ‘wonder’ isn’t it? If a parent has made your life a living hell then of course you wouldn’t welcome them.

MIL’s usually want to see their own AC rather than partner so are prob unlikely to drop by anytime as they know they’re at work.
My partner’s Mum doesn’t live remotely near us so popping in isn’t an option, but we get on really well so if she ever decided to move near us then I would make her welcome.Other family members drop in as they want to if we’re at home.
My DD’s make themselves a sarnie here if me or DP are at home and Mum gets on with a bit of my ironing ( something she enjoys and can’t get enough of😁).
We are all different it’s true, and if you don’t much like family members then you wouldn’t enjoy their company.
I wouldn’t issue my door keys to family tho, a step too far. I do keep a key to Mum’s place but don’t use it, just an emergency key.

Oreo

If you don’t want your Mum to have a key ( mine doesn’t) you don’t have to.My own Mum just rings the bell to see if I’m in.
If I really didn’t want to let her in for any reason I wouldn’t have to.I may be in the shower for instance or enjoying nooky🤭
All the OP has to do is ask for the key back, but why was it issued in the first place?

All the OP has to do is ask for the key back, but why was it issued in the first place?

For use in an emergency?

My own mother had a new key made to her own front door, went out leaving the original key at home - and the new one didn't fit. She was essentially locked out. I gave her a key to mine.

There are other valid reasons - feeding pets, etc...

I assumed my mother would always give me a call before popping over, and she would've been welcome to use the key instead of knocking at the door.

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

Exactly after all, she's a mother who is 'probably lonely'

OR, would you welcome a parent with open arms at any time, if they had made your childhood a living hell.

I wonder

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

If you don’t want your Mum to have a key ( mine doesn’t) you don’t have to.My own Mum just rings the bell to see if I’m in.
If I really didn’t want to let her in for any reason I wouldn’t have to.I may be in the shower for instance or enjoying nooky🤭
All the OP has to do is ask for the key back, but why was it issued in the first place?

Yes you are right. Children would probably have a key on a string around their necks- “latch door kids” as I remember 😊

M0nica

Mt61

I remember the days when doors were unlocked, or left ajar well those days are over- unless you live in a small quiet hamlet where everyone knows everyone else.
All my neighbors have an abundance of cameras, doors are well & truly bolted😩

This wasn't universal, only in rural areas and small closed communities. Get into cities and even towns and this would have been a very foolish thing to do.

My family lived in South London, when the area was quiet leafy suburbs. Nevertheless, no one would have told anyone if a door was left open - for children to go out to play and get back in. That would be asking for trouble.

I am sure this open door policy happened, but not everywhere by a long distance.

I’m a Londoner and it was common practice in the streets where I grew up, that if the parents/parent was at home the doors were unlocked and kids and relatives and neighbours popped in and out.

Caleo

Let her in with a courteous smile and don't make any special arrangements such as tidying the house and having conversations when you are busy. Tell her where to make herself a cup of tea or open a tin of soup and leave her to it.
You can't force yourself to not be annoyed by her, but unless she is violent I don't see how she would be much of a threat to you.

If the child wakes up then she wakes up and can sleep some other time, maybe the little girl enjoys the the woman's company.
I am finding your complain hard to understand because I am not bothered by keeping to a routine if my bathroom is vacant when I need it.
Can' you make use of the woman in some way such as asking her to wash the dishes ,weed the drive, or play hide and seek with the little girl?

I am finding your complain hard to understand because I am not bothered by keeping to a routine if my bathroom is vacant when I need it.

With due respect Caleo what you are saying in effect is - it doesn't bother me so it shouldn't bother you...

As has been pointed out, there is no wrong nor right way of encountering family members / friends 'popping in'. If it is an agreeable arrangement then it works. But we are all different and lead very different lives.

If I am on the cusp of a make-or-break conversation with my partner during a time we've arranged when we can be alone without the rest of the family, then I'm going to refuse to feel guilty for saying to my mother who's let herself in (without knocking) - 'now is not a good time'... and the implication (from some) that doing this means you don't really love nor appreciate your mother (or whoever) is frankly something I can't get my head round.

Mt61

I remember the days when doors were unlocked, or left ajar well those days are over- unless you live in a small quiet hamlet where everyone knows everyone else.
All my neighbors have an abundance of cameras, doors are well & truly bolted😩

This wasn't universal, only in rural areas and small closed communities. Get into cities and even towns and this would have been a very foolish thing to do.

My family lived in South London, when the area was quiet leafy suburbs. Nevertheless, no one would have told anyone if a door was left open - for children to go out to play and get back in. That would be asking for trouble.

I am sure this open door policy happened, but not everywhere by a long distance.

I remember the days when doors were unlocked, or left ajar well those days are over- unless you live in a small quiet hamlet where everyone knows everyone else.
All my neighbors have an abundance of cameras, doors are well & truly bolted😩

Let her in with a courteous smile and don't make any special arrangements such as tidying the house and having conversations when you are busy. Tell her where to make herself a cup of tea or open a tin of soup and leave her to it.
You can't force yourself to not be annoyed by her, but unless she is violent I don't see how she would be much of a threat to you.

If the child wakes up then she wakes up and can sleep some other time, maybe the little girl enjoys the the woman's company.
I am finding your complain hard to understand because I am not bothered by keeping to a routine if my bathroom is vacant when I need it.
Can' you make use of the woman in some way such as asking her to wash the dishes ,weed the drive, or play hide and seek with the little girl?

Good post Monica, I understand both sides as long as it's not put forward in a "I have spoken this is how I am and shame on you if you don't feel exactly the same, clearly something lacking on your part" Absolute passive aggression, has indeed played out on this thread. Unannounced callers can be a delight, mildly annoying or the last straw depending on matters any prospective visitor may be unaware of. How can anyone know what precipitates a visit or what's going on within those walls, a blazing row, a passionate interlude, feeling unwell. My son and girlfriend lived close by at one time we often passed their place when shopping, there's no way I would have dropped in unannounced even though they would say why don't you drop in for coffee, our response would be "text us if you want us to do that otherwise you might find the time is not convenient to you". They did say they appreciated that.

RillaofIngleside

Guess everyone has different takes on it.

They sure do, reading this thread is an eye opener.😲
We shall all have to agree to disagree as I said earlier.

RillaofIngleside

It's still like that in my village. I would ring my son first because he works from home, but friends are always popping in and are very welcome. We just carry on with what we are doing. No one is lonely here, we look out for each other. Life is short and there are no jobs more important than friends and family. If the OP doesn't like it that's her choice but doesn't seem worth a family rift, and some of the suggestions on here are unkind and bizarre.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻