Unannounced visits !

How lucky you are that your mum wants to visit. Does it matter that you have a few toys lying around and unwashed dishes in the sink? I had an unexpected visitor just this afternoon. Washing up waiting to be done, half way through making my Victoria sponge for the VE Day cake competition, husband has his tools spread about the floor, pile of line dried washing waiting to be folded and put away.
That said, your Mum sounds rather inconsiderate if you have explained to her how you all feel. A quick call to let you know she's on her way so you can have the door open ready for her so she doesn't wake the little one.
It could be that she doesn't want to sit at home on her own. Perhaps you could find out about groups near to her like NWR (National Women's Register), U3A, etc. She might actually just not like being on her own.

Honestly, I think there are a lot of crossed wires on this thread.

IMO, wanting time to oneself is not synonymous with not caring, casually judging, not loving, dropping a family member or anything similar. Nor does it mean that someone wouldn't be there for anyone who needed them.

It just means that people can have a cuddle with their husband, watch rubbish on TV, stay in pyjamas all morning (or all day if they like), leave the washing up for tomorrow or whatever, and not feel judged. Those who have families who don't judge should think themselves lucky, and not sit in judgement on those whose families are different.

Also, people are all different - extroverts recharge by being in constant company, and introverts need time alone to recharge theirs. Neither is right or wrong.

I don't think love is the issue. When we were very young, not every family had a telephone, so it was accepted that people would just pop in unannounced: they had no choice. Now virtually everyone has a phone, it seems to me to be a matter of simple courtesy to check that a visit will be convenient, and indeed that the 'visitee' is actually at home.

I hate the word 'boundaries' especially when applied to family. When did it ever become a stick to beat people with? My father would come whenever he felt, for as long as he wanted. No, it wasn't always convenient but the kettle was always on, and how I miss it now. Families should stick together unless there are genuine reasons and they would have to be really abusive for me. I really can't understand this trend of dropping the people who care for you most, even if it's not always perfect.
When you are that elderly parent I hope you are not so casually judged. Is there no empathy and kindness any more?

I also think you would be welcomed with open arms on Mumsnet!

monk08

I wish my mum was still here to pop in unannounced.

I also wish my mam was still alive to just pop in. Miss her so much. Our little chats would be so welcome right now.

Can't believe some of the comments on here. Many will wish, as I do, that their mum was still alive to visit.
I'm on the drop in any time system, and so is my family. What on earth is a visitor ready house? We welcome anyone at anytime and they come to see us not how clean/tidy the house is. I'm never lonely here as everyone is always welcome.

Whethertomorrow

My in laws were dreadful and that was my husband’s opinion too. They would both turn up uninvited and at all odd hours as well. We moved away to be about an hours drive away and then they left a house they had live in for more than 50 years to be just down the road from us. Without telling us!

We lived in a bungalow that had a lockable side gate so we thought we (3 sons) were safe from interference. Boy were we wrong! One day they turned up unasked as usual. Our cars were out front so they knew we were in. Cue banging, putting hands through letterbox, shouting, rattling side gate, trying to lift it off the hinges, absolute mayhem ensued. My husband had originally gone to open front door before we realised who it was ( before banging etc) and ended up lying on floor underneath letterbox trying to avoid the hand. My eldest son aged 14 got stuck climbing out his bedroom window and I had to blow cover to rescue him. He had panicked they were coming in to examine him as they usually did.

The other two had sneaked out and hid in the garden shed, the little sods 🤣

I had to let them in and suffer their company on my own for a couple of hours. My husband legged it without seeing them, and my boys had to hide outside until they left.

Looking back it was hilarious but at the time they had to do a lot of grovelling to get back in my good books.

😂 my husband presses a certain key on his pc, sounds like someone is knocking at the door, he gets a good laugh watching me freeze on the spot.
We have a ring doorbell & can now see who’s at the door.

We are very much only getting a one sided story in any case.

Doodledog

Oreo

Have to agree to disagree 😄

Fair enough, but please don't suggest that not agreeing is a sign of not loving people enough? That's below the belt.

I have to Doodledog as it’s what I believe.

Many years ago my mother in law retired just after my 1st child was born. She took it on herself to turn up unannounced 3 times a week ever week knowing that I was worn out from sleepless nights, trying to get in a routine with baby etc. she would just sit there all day long listening to her favourite radio station and nit offer any help either. I was far too worn out to react so this went on for months. It felt like she was taking over my life because she brought stuff every other week which was turning my home into a replica of hers by putting her awful ornaments, cushions and other thing things into my house without asking. One time while hanging out washing she'd put up wall plates and said it made the room look better. Eventually enough was enough, so had to tell a few white lies about joining a keep fit group so she could only come over day a week. Since then with the boundaries set, things were a lot better and we have a lovely relationship. So I fully understand Dsnannys predicament. I'd do as others have said any lock all doors and ignore her or could you maybe do the reverse and call on her unannounced when it's inconvenient to give her a taste of her own medicine? Sometimes you have to be cruel (for want of a better word) to be kind

Dsnanny

M0nica and iamround for the win

You have the right to manage your own schedule as you wish

I think the next time she turns up unexpectedly, you need to sit down with her and tell her that you've tried numerous times to explain to her that you don't like her calling in without checking if it's convenient first, but she's clearly not listening, as she keeps doing it, and then ask her why she does it. If she responds with 'I can do what I like' or similar, just say, and I can do what I like, so next time you turn up without checking, I won't be letting you in!' Then stick to it. Keep your doors locked, and if she turns up, either don't answer the door, or answer the door, and say 'Mum, we talked about this last time you were here, and I told you that if you didn't check in advance whether it was convenient, that I would not let you in. I'm afraid it's not convenient right now, so if you'd called or text you could have saved yourself the visit. See you soon. Bye' and shut the door. She's obviously got skin like a rhino, to think she can do as she likes and people are just going to put up with it. So you have to be equally thick skinned, and show her you mean business.

I have a key to my daughter’s house. I can pop in anytime. I don’t barge in though. I usually just open the door and shout it’s me, can I come in. I have never been refused. If I am bringing my husband I always phone first to check it is convenient? I usually “pop in” about once a week. Sometimes I text first to check it is convenient. My daughter seems happy with the arrangement. She gave me the key. Sometimes her husband is there alone and pottering. He knows he doesn’t have to stop what he is doing. I just usually make him a cup of tea, have a quick 15 minute chat and leave. That is our normal.

I’m surprised that so many responses say it is ok for family to turn up unannounced. I think it is just polite to check if it is convenient to call in.

I remember some years back my niece, who I am very fond of, arrived from Italy unannounced for a short holiday! I had to reorganise the time she was with me. We were going to an event that night and I had to organise another ticket and was worried I couldn’t get her one. Everything planned for those few days had to be altered to accommodate her. I was very stressed with it all.

I had to tell her that in future she had to ask to come and stay. It was only good luck on her part that I wasn’t away from home!

I always make family and friends welcome, but at least like them to show some respect by checking in advance that it is ok.

Sometimes we need to show people we have boundaries and that includes close members of our families. Your mum is being disrespectful to you, DsNanny. You've asked her to let you know when she's coming round and she's chosen to ignore you. If I were you, the next time she turns up unannounced, I'd greet her on the doorstep and let her know, pleasantly but firmly, that it's inconvenient. Remind her again that she needs to check with you before she comes, that it's not inconvenient and that a planned arrangement is better, so that you can spend more time with her. In my opinion, she shouldn't be letting herself in either. It's an invasion of your privacy. Your privacy is clearly important to you and I don't see why you should be made to feel bad about that. Your mother needs to show you some respect.

My mum died when I was 14, my dad when I was 21. I wish they could have been there to pop in when my girls were at home. Now in my late 60s and miss them every day. Anyone calling expectedly can take me and my house as they find me but the kettle will always be on.

This is a generational issue.

Your mother grew up, and was a young adult at a time when popping in unannounced was what friends did, and family too.

I am the same age as your mother, and have accepted that this is "not the done thing" any more, but oh, how I miss it!

I would so love someone just to "pop in".

However, I do see the point of being annoyed when you have just got a child to sleep and your mother comes and wakens her up. So should she! We have all tried that, and it ain't funny.

As your mother apparently always thinks she has the right to do just as she pleases, I honestly do not think you, or anyone else in the family will change her now.

Oreo

Have to agree to disagree 😄

Fair enough, but please don't suggest that not agreeing is a sign of not loving people enough? That's below the belt.

Have to agree to disagree 😄

Just texting with 'are you in this afternoon?' is not making an appointment. It is allowing someone the space they need in their own home, and the right to have their needs met, not those of the 'loving' person who doesn't see those needs as relevant.

What’s sad is that the UK must be the worst in the world for family love and harmony.Some cultures including my own welcome their close family and don’t feel the need for ‘Appointments’ if they all live nearby.
In this case, we don’t know what kind of relationship the daughter OP has with her Mother, but it sure doesn’t sound like a happy one unfortunately.

I think that NotSpaghetti has the best solution, though you would have to be careful that this doesn't turn into a "regular" timeslot. Or perhaps a regular time might be simpler?
I get a bit irritated when my daughter drops in with my grandchildren just as we are about to have supper, but have learnt to stay unbothered by it.
I try not to drop in on her when she is likely to be busy, though it is not always easy to judge. Maybe this is DsNanny's mum's problem, she simply doesn't realise that it isn't what the family want? You can easily get a bit self-centred as you get older if you live alone.

Oreo

RillaofIngleside

flappergirl

Tell her if she does it just once more you will never speak to her again. And mean it!

Really?

Yeah really, that’s how many view close family members, shrieks of ‘toxic’ if their Mother dares to pop in without making an appointment like a dentist.
A poster says it’s nothing to do with love or not but I beg to differ, as if you love your Mum you will never object to her wanting or needing to see you.
Thos who don’t love their Mothers or even like them very much will naturally object to them popping in.

I am the poster who said it is nothing to do with love, and I stand by it. And FWIW, I don't 'shriek' about 'toxic' when I don't get my own way 🙄

You can love someone and not want them to be there whenever they like. What about love for your husband and children? Do they want someone in their space all the time, observing everything that happens in the family? Is a mum showing love for her daughter if she overrules her wishes and rides roughshod over boundaries?

Maybe in some families this is usual, but the idea that everyone thinks and feels the same is what's led to this situation for the OP. Her mum feels that because she wants to drop in it's ok, and that if the OP loved her she wouldn't mind, and that has left their relationship strained. Relationships, family or not, need both sides to take account of the other's feelings and respect their boundaries.

A lot of people on this thread are illustrating the mother's way of looking at it - 'My way is the only right way, and anyone who disagrees mustn't love in the right way either'.

JdotJ

I would answer the door and say politely 'it's not a good time, please ring beforehand' and shut the door.
Don't let her in, make her stand on the doorstep numerous times until she realises she's had a wasted journey.

And whoever do you leave the backdoor unlocked. Don't!!

Unbelievable 😲☹️