Unannounced visits !

It’s to stop anyone walking in on us when we may be naked and loved up.

Back in the 50/60s it was reasonably current to knock unannounced. Later people phoned beforehand but these days even phoning is seen as intrusive.

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

I had a lovely MiL and loved her dearly. My response to her would have been exactly the same as my response to my own mother. But then she, like my own mother would never have dropped in without asking first. Like my mother she realised that parents should step back when children marry and not intrude on their privacy.

Oreo

It’s to stop anyone walking in on us when we may be naked and loved up.

No such luck ha

Oreo

That’s supposed to be funny is it Doodledog as opposed to just being bitchy?

I think it's in exactly the same tone as your comment about people who love their mothers not minding them dropping in, and screaming 'toxic'- so you decide.

I don't think that loving one's mother is remotely related to willingness to let them have immediate access to your home. You're the one who set up a hierarchy of love.

Was your comment below sarcastic, or 'bitchy'?

Yeah really, that’s how many view close family members, shrieks of ‘toxic’ if their Mother dares to pop in without making an appointment like a dentist.
A poster says it’s nothing to do with love or not but I beg to differ, as if you love your Mum you will never object to her wanting or needing to see you.
Thos who don’t love their Mothers or even like them very much will naturally object to them popping in.

DsNanny, some 25 years ago, I read a book, Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. I was going through a terrible divorce after a 30-year marriage and looking for help navigating life as a single mom to two middle schoolers. It was insightful, but seemed more for estranged/difficult parent/child roles than splitting spouses. You might find it helpful. Also, many families are not a storybook and boundaries are necessary. My husband's mother ran off with another man when he was 10. His father sent the kids (my husband, a younger brother & sister) to an orphanage, saying I've done this once, not doing it again. His maternal grandmother petitioned the court for custody of all three children. A couple of years later, his mother returned with the new husband & a baby girl in tow. Fast forward 40 years, after many years of a dysfunctional family, he tried to get his mother to see his sister. His mother's words, "It's not worth the trouble." I wish you much happiness and strength in making decisions that are best for you and your family.

The difference is Doodledog that my comment was my general and honest viewpoint, and yours was simply a sarcastic and personal remark, based no doubt on your annoyance that I allow my Mum unfettered access whenever we’re at home.
It’s what posters sometimes give into when things aren’t going their way.🤷🏼‍♀️

I'm not remotely concerned about your mum's unfettered access, never mind annoyed🤷‍♀️. As I said, we all see these things differently, but it is not fair to say that those who disagree with you don't love their mothers. That is ridiculous.

Clearly, you now feel that such remarks can be hurtful. If that means you think I have 'given in' to sarcasm, so be it. I don't see my comment as any more or less unkind than yours. I directed it at you, as it was intended to respond to your remarks, not as a general viewpoint.

I know exactly why you did it Doodledog and it was very silly of you.

Still, that’s enough derailing of the thread.

When my mother left the back door open, someone stole the food out of our fridge.

Oreo

The difference is Doodledog that my comment was my general and honest viewpoint, and yours was simply a sarcastic and personal remark, based no doubt on your annoyance that I allow my Mum unfettered access whenever we’re at home.
It’s what posters sometimes give into when things aren’t going their way.🤷🏼‍♀️

Why on earth would Doodledog or anyone else be annoyed that you allow unfettered access to your home?

Your comment may have been honest - from the heart - but it's the most judgmental observation I've read on this thread, and you have slanted it in such a way that avoids any rational discussion on the issue.

Basically you are telling us that unless we think and behave as you do, then we either dislike or don't love our mothers (or didn't in my case).

And clearly, nothing is going to persuade you otherwise. Your way, is the only way...

I don’t agree with you but respect your right, and everyone elses to have a different viewpoint.
My way is the only one for me. Any more derailment on this thread would be a shame.
There are only two ways of looking at this subject and we all fall into the two camps.
I have said twice that we should agree to disagree.

Rude is rude whether it’s family, friends or complete strangers. I believe in setting ground rules and they should be respected. In this case, you definitely need some tough love. Place a note on the front door saying nap time, no visitors. If she has a key, get it back. If she is coming in the by the back door, lock it.
Remind her that banging on the door and waking up a sleeping child will result in even fewer future visits. A phone call before a visit is not too much to ask of anyone. Is it possible to set up a consistent visit time once each week?

RillaofIngleside

It's still like that in my village. I would ring my son first because he works from home, but friends are always popping in and are very welcome. We just carry on with what we are doing. No one is lonely here, we look out for each other. Life is short and there are no jobs more important than friends and family. If the OP doesn't like it that's her choice but doesn't seem worth a family rift, and some of the suggestions on here are unkind and bizarre.

This comment puzzles me.

Why would a rift be OP’s fault? For telling her mother no? Why wouldn’t it be her mother’s fault for not respecting her daughter’s home?

I find it to be extremely unkind and bizarre that when someone is told, “I don’t enjoy drop in visits please call first.” to get the response of, “you’re not the boss of me, I’ll do as I like!” which is basically what OP’s mom said.

No jobs more important than friends or family is a lovely sentiment, but are friends and family going to financially carry your household if you get fired due to interruptions? If you wouldn’t turn up at someone’s office or place of employment unannounced and expect to visit, then you should have the same respect toward someone who works from home.

Not many people can be so casual about their job, especially in the current economy.

MercuryQueen

RillaofIngleside

It's still like that in my village. I would ring my son first because he works from home, but friends are always popping in and are very welcome. We just carry on with what we are doing. No one is lonely here, we look out for each other. Life is short and there are no jobs more important than friends and family. If the OP doesn't like it that's her choice but doesn't seem worth a family rift, and some of the suggestions on here are unkind and bizarre.

This comment puzzles me.

Why would a rift be OP’s fault? For telling her mother no? Why wouldn’t it be her mother’s fault for not respecting her daughter’s home?

I find it to be extremely unkind and bizarre that when someone is told, “I don’t enjoy drop in visits please call first.” to get the response of, “you’re not the boss of me, I’ll do as I like!” which is basically what OP’s mom said.

No jobs more important than friends or family is a lovely sentiment, but are friends and family going to financially carry your household if you get fired due to interruptions? If you wouldn’t turn up at someone’s office or place of employment unannounced and expect to visit, then you should have the same respect toward someone who works from home.

Not many people can be so casual about their job, especially in the current economy.

If you wouldn’t turn up at someone’s office or place of employment unannounced and expect to visit, then you should have the same respect toward someone who works from home.

Judging by what I've read on GN and other SM platforms, there are those who believe that WFH is, basically, "skiving". A fixed notion that takes no notice of the fact that you might choose to walk the dog or pop out to the shops - but continue to work a long time after your colleagues in situ in the office have clocked-off and gone home.

I worked from home in the late 90s in Norway, long before it became a 'thing'. The weather on the west coast can sometimes be atrocious and we were encouraged to WFH by the owners of the company on those days when we might have spent inordinate amounts of time attempting to get to the office. Being available at the other end of the 'phone was an essential - for our customers - and organising essential equipment to offshore destinations to meet a deadline meant that time was of the essence. If anyone had just 'popped in' for a chat, family or friend, I would've been compelled to ignore them, or risk serious consequences. Mobile phones weren't brilliant then, but it did mean we were contactable and if I popped out to the shops, I'd take it with me. I'm not sure that critics of WFH ever have themselves, or know what is involved. If they did - or do - they will most certainly call before dropping in. As you say, they wouldn't dream of dropping by in your place of work and for me, working from home was no different - I was working and being paid to work.

Oreo

I don’t agree with you but respect your right, and everyone elses to have a different viewpoint.
My way is the only one for me. Any more derailment on this thread would be a shame.
There are only two ways of looking at this subject and we all fall into the two camps.
I have said twice that we should agree to disagree.

Thank you Dickens.

You did say we should agree to disagree, but specifically rejected compromise on the judgment you passed on those who prefer to have a bit of warning before someone drops in - that they don't love their parents. When the same metrics were turned back on you (by the suggestion that love can be measured by level of access) you were affronted and accused me of being 'bitchy' with no obvious irony.

And you can't just have the last word by saying your piece and declaring that any further replies would be derailment 😂

Doodledog
You have two choices, you can go on and on like the Duracell bunny about this, or you can do the mature thing and bring it to a close before it bores the pants off everyone.
It really is derailment and unless one of us does the right thing just turns into an endless spat.
I don’t agree with you, and you don’t agree with me, which should be fine for both of us.

I don't disagree with your right to let your mother visit whenever she likes. That is entirely your call. What I do disagree with is your right to insult those who disagree with you by saying they don't love their parents as much as you do, and then suggesting that not accepting your put downs is 'going on and on' and 'immature'.

Obviously it's up to you whether to reply or keep on insisting on the last word. I don't care, but I don't like being shouted down.

I think Oreo and the OP's mother have much in common

Well said OldFrill

Doodledog

I don't disagree with your right to let your mother visit whenever she likes. That is entirely your call. What I do disagree with is your right to insult those who disagree with you by saying they don't love their parents as much as you do, and then suggesting that not accepting your put downs is 'going on and on' and 'immature'.

Obviously it's up to you whether to reply or keep on insisting on the last word. I don't care, but I don't like being shouted down.

There's no derailment Doodledog - the very title of the OP's post and the post itself is inviting comments such as those that have been offered so far.

We have challenged an inflammatory and accusatory comment, and the attempt is to silence further debate on the flimsy basis that we are derailing the thread.

M0nica

I have said it once, and I will say it again. This thread is full of passive aggression.

The fact that your mother is dead and you would give anything to have her just call in just once again is utterly irrelevant to this thread. For most of us our mothers have died and most of us would love to see them just once more.

It would have driven me nuts to have had anyone, whether a close much love relation, friend or neighbour, dropping in whenever they pleased. If I had set myself a task for the day, for example doing decorating while both children were having an afternoon nap. The last thing I wanted was anyone, even my mother 'just dropping in'

We are in the process of moving to live quite close to our daughter. The one thing I will not be doing is just walking across the fields to call in casually during my daily walk, or because DH is off doing something and I need company. I have more respect for her. She works from home several days a week and has just moved into a house requiring a lot of work, and if she has decided that she will decorate a room over a weekend, or lay a wood floor. She doesn't want me calling in unannounced and ruining her plans. It is no failure of love if that happens.

Likewise, I do not want her calling in on us every time she goes to the supermarket because we live close to it. We too may have plans that she would kibosh if she arrived unannounced.

It is a question of mutual love shown by treating each other with respect.

Well said M0nica

M0nica

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

I had a lovely MiL and loved her dearly. My response to her would have been exactly the same as my response to my own mother. But then she, like my own mother would never have dropped in without asking first. Like my mother she realised that parents should step back when children marry and not intrude on their privacy.

I agree about the older generation stepping back.(But I never lived near either, so it wasn't an issue)

My son works from home managing a team of IT workers programming microchips. He's often worked from 9am until midnight if there's a deadline or someone needs support with their work to finish. Not all work from home people are skiving. We do ring in the week to see if he's finished work but on weekends just drop in.