Unannounced visits !

Doodledog

Honestly, I think there are a lot of crossed wires on this thread.

IMO, wanting time to oneself is not synonymous with not caring, casually judging, not loving, dropping a family member or anything similar. Nor does it mean that someone wouldn't be there for anyone who needed them.

It just means that people can have a cuddle with their husband, watch rubbish on TV, stay in pyjamas all morning (or all day if they like), leave the washing up for tomorrow or whatever, and not feel judged. Those who have families who don't judge should think themselves lucky, and not sit in judgement on those whose families are different.

Also, people are all different - extroverts recharge by being in constant company, and introverts need time alone to recharge theirs. Neither is right or wrong.

Well said Doodledog.

People's lives can be complicated; sometimes that 'time to yourself' can be crucial to getting things done - so that you're not working late into the night because a family member has commandeered the time you allotted to 'life' admin...

My late ex and I were working through a very difficult time in our relationship and used to sometimes finish work early in order to talk things through before our son came home from work. The cheery "it's only me" as my mother let herself in to our flat really wasn't welcome at such times, and I loved her very much.

I would always have accommodated her as she was lonely and living on her own, but a quick 'phone call from her and I would've suggested a later time, and, in an emergency, then I would always have made time for her, regardless.

There's some emotional guilt-tripping on here...

I miss my mother she was wonderful but why is there an assumption on this thread that everyone's family dynamics are the same as theirs and all mothers were a positive force. I'd have thought we'd have all realised by know inter family relationships can be very complicated. There's nothing wrong in operating an open house if that's what you want, equally there's nothin̈g wrong in wanting to retreat behind closed doors to have time alone for the reasons very well explained on this thread by both Doodledog and Dickens. Over on MN I've read time and time again the calling round unannounced, especially with new baby, or just wanting some peace and quiet is not received well by those that post their feelings, it can be disruptive.

It's a really difficult one, as I hear your dilemma & you've obvious got limited emotional energy with all your commitments 🥰 & it sounds like your mum is draining/irritating ! The suggestion to give a time frame/cake is a good one to try, but I don't really think your mum is going to change now so not really sure what you do, apart from thinking "breathe, it will pass" & just keep locking the doors!!

I have said it once, and I will say it again. This thread is full of passive aggression.

The fact that your mother is dead and you would give anything to have her just call in just once again is utterly irrelevant to this thread. For most of us our mothers have died and most of us would love to see them just once more.

It would have driven me nuts to have had anyone, whether a close much love relation, friend or neighbour, dropping in whenever they pleased. If I had set myself a task for the day, for example doing decorating while both children were having an afternoon nap. The last thing I wanted was anyone, even my mother 'just dropping in'

We are in the process of moving to live quite close to our daughter. The one thing I will not be doing is just walking across the fields to call in casually during my daily walk, or because DH is off doing something and I need company. I have more respect for her. She works from home several days a week and has just moved into a house requiring a lot of work, and if she has decided that she will decorate a room over a weekend, or lay a wood floor. She doesn't want me calling in unannounced and ruining her plans. It is no failure of love if that happens.

Likewise, I do not want her calling in on us every time she goes to the supermarket because we live close to it. We too may have plans that she would kibosh if she arrived unannounced.

It is a question of mutual love shown by treating each other with respect.

It's still like that in my village. I would ring my son first because he works from home, but friends are always popping in and are very welcome. We just carry on with what we are doing. No one is lonely here, we look out for each other. Life is short and there are no jobs more important than friends and family. If the OP doesn't like it that's her choice but doesn't seem worth a family rift, and some of the suggestions on here are unkind and bizarre.

Guess everyone has different takes on it.

We lived next door to mil for 40 years and she would frequently come in unannounced. She had a knack of doing it when we were in the middle of a serious discussion (or disagreement) and would then take offence if we didn't greet her enthusiastically.
It was the main reason I was desperate to move when we retired

I miss my mum too - she died when I was quite young - half a lifetime ago.
I too would have loved my children to have known and loved her and to have shared jolly times (and sad) times with her for longer.

My oldest two remember her for her excitement and delight with everything they did - the third and fourth not so clearly and the youngest not at all.
She was a strong, happy, wild, creative, caring, generous and kind (to absolutely everyone) and supremely loving person - who also would have driven me bonkers if she had dropped in all the time.

I know she would have overridden her "considerate" gene to see my babies - had she lived close enough to just drop in.

She loved me (and my family) 100% and I know, like all good mums, would have given up everything for us.

Please, those of you who don't understand the need for down time , try to be kind to those who feel they need it.

RillaofIngleside

It's still like that in my village. I would ring my son first because he works from home, but friends are always popping in and are very welcome. We just carry on with what we are doing. No one is lonely here, we look out for each other. Life is short and there are no jobs more important than friends and family. If the OP doesn't like it that's her choice but doesn't seem worth a family rift, and some of the suggestions on here are unkind and bizarre.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

RillaofIngleside

Guess everyone has different takes on it.

They sure do, reading this thread is an eye opener.😲
We shall all have to agree to disagree as I said earlier.

Good post Monica, I understand both sides as long as it's not put forward in a "I have spoken this is how I am and shame on you if you don't feel exactly the same, clearly something lacking on your part" Absolute passive aggression, has indeed played out on this thread. Unannounced callers can be a delight, mildly annoying or the last straw depending on matters any prospective visitor may be unaware of. How can anyone know what precipitates a visit or what's going on within those walls, a blazing row, a passionate interlude, feeling unwell. My son and girlfriend lived close by at one time we often passed their place when shopping, there's no way I would have dropped in unannounced even though they would say why don't you drop in for coffee, our response would be "text us if you want us to do that otherwise you might find the time is not convenient to you". They did say they appreciated that.

Let her in with a courteous smile and don't make any special arrangements such as tidying the house and having conversations when you are busy. Tell her where to make herself a cup of tea or open a tin of soup and leave her to it.
You can't force yourself to not be annoyed by her, but unless she is violent I don't see how she would be much of a threat to you.

If the child wakes up then she wakes up and can sleep some other time, maybe the little girl enjoys the the woman's company.
I am finding your complain hard to understand because I am not bothered by keeping to a routine if my bathroom is vacant when I need it.
Can' you make use of the woman in some way such as asking her to wash the dishes ,weed the drive, or play hide and seek with the little girl?

I remember the days when doors were unlocked, or left ajar well those days are over- unless you live in a small quiet hamlet where everyone knows everyone else.
All my neighbors have an abundance of cameras, doors are well & truly bolted😩

Mt61

I remember the days when doors were unlocked, or left ajar well those days are over- unless you live in a small quiet hamlet where everyone knows everyone else.
All my neighbors have an abundance of cameras, doors are well & truly bolted😩

This wasn't universal, only in rural areas and small closed communities. Get into cities and even towns and this would have been a very foolish thing to do.

My family lived in South London, when the area was quiet leafy suburbs. Nevertheless, no one would have told anyone if a door was left open - for children to go out to play and get back in. That would be asking for trouble.

I am sure this open door policy happened, but not everywhere by a long distance.

Caleo

Let her in with a courteous smile and don't make any special arrangements such as tidying the house and having conversations when you are busy. Tell her where to make herself a cup of tea or open a tin of soup and leave her to it.
You can't force yourself to not be annoyed by her, but unless she is violent I don't see how she would be much of a threat to you.

If the child wakes up then she wakes up and can sleep some other time, maybe the little girl enjoys the the woman's company.
I am finding your complain hard to understand because I am not bothered by keeping to a routine if my bathroom is vacant when I need it.
Can' you make use of the woman in some way such as asking her to wash the dishes ,weed the drive, or play hide and seek with the little girl?

I am finding your complain hard to understand because I am not bothered by keeping to a routine if my bathroom is vacant when I need it.

With due respect Caleo what you are saying in effect is - it doesn't bother me so it shouldn't bother you...

As has been pointed out, there is no wrong nor right way of encountering family members / friends 'popping in'. If it is an agreeable arrangement then it works. But we are all different and lead very different lives.

If I am on the cusp of a make-or-break conversation with my partner during a time we've arranged when we can be alone without the rest of the family, then I'm going to refuse to feel guilty for saying to my mother who's let herself in (without knocking) - 'now is not a good time'... and the implication (from some) that doing this means you don't really love nor appreciate your mother (or whoever) is frankly something I can't get my head round.

M0nica

Mt61

I remember the days when doors were unlocked, or left ajar well those days are over- unless you live in a small quiet hamlet where everyone knows everyone else.
All my neighbors have an abundance of cameras, doors are well & truly bolted😩

This wasn't universal, only in rural areas and small closed communities. Get into cities and even towns and this would have been a very foolish thing to do.

My family lived in South London, when the area was quiet leafy suburbs. Nevertheless, no one would have told anyone if a door was left open - for children to go out to play and get back in. That would be asking for trouble.

I am sure this open door policy happened, but not everywhere by a long distance.

I’m a Londoner and it was common practice in the streets where I grew up, that if the parents/parent was at home the doors were unlocked and kids and relatives and neighbours popped in and out.

Yes you are right. Children would probably have a key on a string around their necks- “latch door kids” as I remember 😊

If you don’t want your Mum to have a key ( mine doesn’t) you don’t have to.My own Mum just rings the bell to see if I’m in.
If I really didn’t want to let her in for any reason I wouldn’t have to.I may be in the shower for instance or enjoying nooky🤭
All the OP has to do is ask for the key back, but why was it issued in the first place?

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

Exactly after all, she's a mother who is 'probably lonely'

OR, would you welcome a parent with open arms at any time, if they had made your childhood a living hell.

I wonder

Oreo

If you don’t want your Mum to have a key ( mine doesn’t) you don’t have to.My own Mum just rings the bell to see if I’m in.
If I really didn’t want to let her in for any reason I wouldn’t have to.I may be in the shower for instance or enjoying nooky🤭
All the OP has to do is ask for the key back, but why was it issued in the first place?

All the OP has to do is ask for the key back, but why was it issued in the first place?

For use in an emergency?

My own mother had a new key made to her own front door, went out leaving the original key at home - and the new one didn't fit. She was essentially locked out. I gave her a key to mine.

There are other valid reasons - feeding pets, etc...

I assumed my mother would always give me a call before popping over, and she would've been welcome to use the key instead of knocking at the door.

MIL’s usually want to see their own AC rather than partner so are prob unlikely to drop by anytime as they know they’re at work.
My partner’s Mum doesn’t live remotely near us so popping in isn’t an option, but we get on really well so if she ever decided to move near us then I would make her welcome.Other family members drop in as they want to if we’re at home.
My DD’s make themselves a sarnie here if me or DP are at home and Mum gets on with a bit of my ironing ( something she enjoys and can’t get enough of😁).
We are all different it’s true, and if you don’t much like family members then you wouldn’t enjoy their company.
I wouldn’t issue my door keys to family tho, a step too far. I do keep a key to Mum’s place but don’t use it, just an emergency key.

JdotJ

Chardy

I'm interested to know how Gransnetters would feel if MiL dropped in unannounced

Exactly after all, she's a mother who is 'probably lonely'

OR, would you welcome a parent with open arms at any time, if they had made your childhood a living hell.

I wonder

It’s a bit of a silly ‘wonder’ isn’t it? If a parent has made your life a living hell then of course you wouldn’t welcome them.

Ah, well obviously you can't love your mum as much as those who give out keys. 😢

That’s supposed to be funny is it Doodledog as opposed to just being bitchy?