Feeling shattered!

I di afternoon school runs 4 days a week and 4 full days a week childcare during the school holidays.
It IS hard work. I do get tired but love doing it very much.

One thing glaringly different in my situation is that my Son in law, who I adore, constantly asks if I can cope, am I sure, do I want him to take a day off in between my days. Oh my goodness, I am tired but can cope but his questions make me feel cared for and appreciated. That is a great motivator.

I think you need to cut down if you are not recovering from illness very well.

I wrote earlier about my friend, she has her Granddaughter two days a week. I’ve know her 30 years she never took a day off sick from work. Since looking after the little one she’s been nothing but ill.
We were ment to meet up yesterday but she’s poorly again, sounds like flu/ covid this time. What’s annoying is her family were on holiday and called to see her on their way home all feeling ill. Goodness knows how long it’ll take her to feel better this time.
The young ones don’t realise we’re getting older and it takes a lot longer to recover. Have a word with her, I’m sure she’ll understand, your immune system has taken a battering, once you’ve been ill and you’re much likely to catch something else. Good luck.

We do a school run twice a week and that’s enough for us. We are older than you are, admittedly. Sometimes the young ones just have no idea that we do slow down when we get older. I’d tell her and see if things could be cut back a bit. She probably has no clue.

DIL to be is already 38 so I doubt she would be devastated if she didn’t have a baby. I had her partner late in life so am now 73 and I can’t bend down easily, so wouldn’t be able to look after a tiny baby. I had no help from family and didn’t expect it. I didn’t like his nursery and then chose au pairs whilst I ran my own business from home so could spend time with my son and supervise the au pairs. Never hear about them nowadays though.

Every time I read GP helped out, I start thinking how kind their local doctor has the time to help out. Sorry, I know that’s rather silly.

Ask your daughter to check how many funded hours the younger child will be entitled to from September as it's increasing/doubling to 30 hours during term time.

Other GP used to help out, they chose not to continue once the second baby arrived.
We do go out everyday and i really can't complain about behaviour etc, she's a treasure.
Yes my dh could do more and I've now spoken to him.

I stuck to one day, other gran took on 2, but she is exhausted too. Now he is 11, it is so easy.
1. Have you received the tax credits for your pension?
2. Are they claiming the childcare funding? This could go towards easing your workload
3. Join your local mums network. I used to take my lively toddler GS to local library music, 2 toddler groups, baby swim, messy play to wear him out. Now the weather is better, the local playground is a great place to just sit and let them run around with others

Narnia, l am a very similar age to you (slightly older) and not a grandma yet but I took semi-retirement from my busy music teaching practice a couple of years ago. As others have said, we have done our share with bringing up our own children and, while it is lovely to be with grandchildren or babysit them for short periods, there is a reason why we have babies (usually) in our twenties and thirties. We are physically stronger and, if we do succumb to illness, we generally recover much faster. Small children are lovely but also extremely hard work, both mentally and physically. It struck me when you said that you have been unwell and it has really taken it out of you. I have just recovered from a series of nasty ear infections and these, along with not being able to wear my hearing aids, completely knocked the stuffing out of me. I felt as if I were walking in fog for about six weeks. Twenty years ago, I would have recovered far more quickly. We are not yet elderly but we are getting older and we are not as physically resilient as we once were. I think you need to have a chat with your daughter about her expectations of what she wants from you with childcare and the reality of what you can realistically provide. This illness is a reminder that you need to slow down a little and it is also a warning that if you carry on as you are things may be more severe another time. Please, please look after yourself. 💐

Is there an after school club the older one can go to or maybe its about time your AC use a child minder.

icanhandthemback

Please don’t feel guilty; you have more than done your part in childcare. Maybe this is the time when you ask if the parents can find an alternative to give you time to recover. If they were ill, they would be able to do that. Once you feel better, you can review your options.

I agree with this Narnia. Try to suggest that you are not recovering as quickly as you’d hoped and having the children so much is too much at the moment. Your DD doesn’t take you for granted so I’m sure she’ll understand and try to do something about it. I do know how hard it is to refuse but try not to worry, nobody will think any the less of you. Good luck.

Agree too much.. I do 2 days and other set of GP do 2 days and chilminder 1. I have not been well this week,my daughter luckily works from home so has shifted meetings about. I am on my own so no one else to help. I would talk to your daughter. Good luck

It is expensive but my DS and DDiL factored the cost in. They were then able to enjoy not paying so much when the DGC started school. There were breakfast and afterschool clubs too.

I daresay if they didn't live so far away I would have helped out but her DP were able to come if the DGC were sick etc.
When mine were young I either paid a childminder or stayed home. Different times.

Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms Narnia?. I don't suppose that's an easy thing to do either.

I understand. It is difficult to say no, especially as childcare is so expensive outside of home. Current cost of living crisis has also put a lot of pressure on family members to help out for free. Two parents both working means nothing at the moment. Mt son and did are really struggling financially at the moment.
Take care of yourself and have a heart to heart with them and see if you can come to a happy medium. X

Have you considered that you may not need to cut down on childcare permanently but you do need to do so until you are fully recovered from your recent illness.

Is there any reasonable chance of someone helping out one day a week, or the one child going to nursery all four mornings for a month or so?

You don't mention if your daughter is a single parent or not, which makes a difference, but you do need to be honest with her and tell her nicely that you just cannot cope right now.

How does your husband feel about this? You say he is helping, but could he do more?

I took early retirement this year at 60

Narnia

I have provided the main childcare for my dd for 5 yrs. First child from 8 months, second was born just over 2 years ago.
I have gd 4 days a week ( she goes to nursery 2 morning and I collect)
We collect GS from school 4 days.
I'm not elderly (almost 60) but retired to help with childcare. It's increased over the years, started 3 days and my dd did shorter hours.
Recent months I've had a lingering infection which at times has made me feel quite unwell, luckily my dh works part time so he's helped.
I'm just finding it harder!
I love them both so much and we have a lovely relationship but together they can be a nightmare, tears and tantrums, them not me 😂
Hoping my "illness" will be sorted soon and my energy and motivation will return.
Is anyone else in the same position of being main childcare?
They are literally my life as I rarely have the motivation to go out on my "day off'
I know it's not forever and they grow so quickly, I feel ungrateful for moaning when I know some grandparents don't see their GC at all 🥲

I too am in almost exactly the same situation! My youngest has 3 boys 6,8 and 15 two of whom are ASD and quite hard work. I had cancer a few years ago and have struggled with my health since. I am main carer for the boys and its exhausting

You MUST look after yourself, Narnia. It's easy to get caught up in supporting the parents of a new grandchild. I have a friend who virtually lives at her daughter's house, 'helping' with childcare, there are so many things that her DS-iL doesn't do, ie won't do. It infuriates me, she's not 100 % with her own health. Still, I have to admit I couldn't keep up her pace of life, and the other grandparents live abroad, so maybe it's all for the lll l

Thank you all.
Lovely snd thoughtful responses.
My DD is very grateful for what we do for them and doesnt take it for granted.
I think as soon as it's possible the youngest will do more nursery hours DC
I do notice more and more that Grandparents seem to be in the msjority of the groups we attend, reality of ridiculous childcare costs i suppose.

Please don’t feel guilty; you have more than done your part in childcare. Maybe this is the time when you ask if the parents can find an alternative to give you time to recover. If they were ill, they would be able to do that. Once you feel better, you can review your options.

It’s only now that I’m a GP that I fully appreciate what my DMiL did for us looking after our 4 children when they were younger. I look after my DGD 3 days a week as she’s only 2, we are asked on occasion to pick up my older DGD from school, if my son has calls booked in, his company is based in the USA, so he has to work later in the day when he needs to speak to them.

I feel it’s only fair that I share some of my DS’s childcare as my in-laws did it for us. I adore both girls and enjoy spending time with them.

Their children, their responsibility. Tell them you are too tired to help out so much. Cut it down by half and suggest they pay for nursery places. How entitled are this generation of parents?

Maybe it’s just me but I had zero problems whatsoever putting my foot down on childcare. I love my grans dearly but I am entitled to maintain my health and wellbeing, especially after life-threatening illness. I raised my children to be independent and stand on their own, so the entitlement of constant free childcare doesn’t exist for them. I would give your family reasonable notice and simply cut back. We raised our children already. It’s up to them to crack on with life and figure out how to make it work with theirs. They chose to become parents. Sorting childcare is part of their job as parents. End of story.

Ps. Sorry you are finding it so hard and hope you will soon be feeling better. Meanwhile ask for some respite for awhile. 🍷🍾🍰

Your reward will be arriving when a few years pass and they will treat you as very special and love you to bits. That’s what happened to me. Don’t regret a moment.