Feeling shattered!

I dont have direct experience.

But a friemd has[though she maybe doesnt do quite as much as you are doing].
Unfortumately, the childcare she has done I think contributed to an unexpected heart attack.

I would go carefully.
You yourself being fully well, is important.

Child care 4 days a week ! Far too much in my opinion. I have voiced my feelings about this many times on GN . Of course we love or GC and their parents, but that is what they are - PARENTS!? I recognize how hard it is to say 'no' to adult children
but you must look after yourself. Clearly you are shattered if you don't have the motivation or energy to enjoy yourself on your day off. This is not a job it is a massive favour you are doing for your AC. Do do speak to them and be honest. I appreciate you are not old but with respect you are no spring chicken either! You are most definitely not moaning, you are being honest. Our AC have been so used to Mum coping and sorting things out that they forget we have a life - time to gently remind them . They are not your children ,you have been there done that - explain to your AC . Good luck.

Take it easy, grandchildren are for treasuring, spoiling and enjoying.

You did your bit with your children.

Cut down your days, it’s not unreasonable

Their children, their responsibility-
harsh but true !

I make no wonder you’re shattered and poorly, you’re doing a lot. Could you DGD go to nursery more ?
My friend has been having her DGD two days a week, and has had two sickness bugs, really bad conjunctivitis twice, and lots of colds. She looks really unwell now and desperately needs a break, but won’t say.
You have to look after yourself, no one else will. Hope you feel better soon .

You sound a bit like my friend- not just school runs but weekends and school holidays, activities in evening when parents on shifts. She's always on call and has set herself up for this, which she recognises, but it's hard to say no now.

The difference is my friend takes time off- goes on holidays and values her own right to a life whenever things get to her. She does have boundaries and you are going to have to establish some too.

Are her children grateful? Maybe but they also take her for granted, only ring when they want something and never just make a social call.

Decide how much contact you want and try to stick to it.

Thank you all.
They can't really afford any more childcare hours. More should be free hopefully soon.
Other set of grandparents are close but pay no interest really so they are out of the question.
Maybe it's my infection making me feel run down.
We do go out everyday to groups and parks etc .
I never wanted to be the "see at weekends" type, as we live very close.
Thank you for your kind words x

Keepingquiet
Yes I do step up on occasions too.
And we do go on holiday together too, occasionally we do take a break just my Husband and I. We are unfortunately tied to term time because of my dd job

Did you have a very informal agreement to cover childcare on this scale? It sounds as if it's crept up on you and you feel unable to escape.

I do have a friend whose situation as granny carer began with one child but is now 3! She's a lot older than you and on her own.

It sounds as if you feel put-upon and need a break, urgently.
You have to recover your energy.
Perhaps your DD and her partner have the idea that you so love your DGC that you would resent it if they asked someone else, the other DGP for example, to take a turn?

I have a lovely relationship with all 7 of my DGC but have never been their carer/parent.
It's quite possible I assure you.

I'm not surprised you feel shattered Narnia. At almost 60, if it were possible would you have started a family in your early to mid 50's? Probably not because young children are hard work regardless of how much you love them.

I suspect your lingering infection is due to your body being too tired to fight it. I agree with Grammaretto in that the amount of childcare you're providing has crept up over time, and now you feel obliged to carry on regardless.

You need to talk to your DD and her partner and be honest about the toll this is taking on you. You say they really can't afford additional childcare but this is something they should have thought about when planning their family.

Don't feel ungrateful because you've needed to get this off your chest. We've been estranged from our youngest son and only GC for more than 12 years and had things turned out differently we would have loved to have been their GP's, but not their carers.

There is no yardstick here. No standard to meet or not.

What is manageable for one person may not be for another.

I think you need to decide what you can happily manage, whilst having some energy left for a life of your own, then discuss with family and come to a compromise.

I think that GPs sometimes do too much because they do not want to be cut out of their GC's lives.

Your reward will be arriving when a few years pass and they will treat you as very special and love you to bits. That’s what happened to me. Don’t regret a moment.

Ps. Sorry you are finding it so hard and hope you will soon be feeling better. Meanwhile ask for some respite for awhile. 🍷🍾🍰

Maybe it’s just me but I had zero problems whatsoever putting my foot down on childcare. I love my grans dearly but I am entitled to maintain my health and wellbeing, especially after life-threatening illness. I raised my children to be independent and stand on their own, so the entitlement of constant free childcare doesn’t exist for them. I would give your family reasonable notice and simply cut back. We raised our children already. It’s up to them to crack on with life and figure out how to make it work with theirs. They chose to become parents. Sorting childcare is part of their job as parents. End of story.

Their children, their responsibility. Tell them you are too tired to help out so much. Cut it down by half and suggest they pay for nursery places. How entitled are this generation of parents?

It’s only now that I’m a GP that I fully appreciate what my DMiL did for us looking after our 4 children when they were younger. I look after my DGD 3 days a week as she’s only 2, we are asked on occasion to pick up my older DGD from school, if my son has calls booked in, his company is based in the USA, so he has to work later in the day when he needs to speak to them.

I feel it’s only fair that I share some of my DS’s childcare as my in-laws did it for us. I adore both girls and enjoy spending time with them.

Please don’t feel guilty; you have more than done your part in childcare. Maybe this is the time when you ask if the parents can find an alternative to give you time to recover. If they were ill, they would be able to do that. Once you feel better, you can review your options.

Thank you all.
Lovely snd thoughtful responses.
My DD is very grateful for what we do for them and doesnt take it for granted.
I think as soon as it's possible the youngest will do more nursery hours DC
I do notice more and more that Grandparents seem to be in the msjority of the groups we attend, reality of ridiculous childcare costs i suppose.

You MUST look after yourself, Narnia. It's easy to get caught up in supporting the parents of a new grandchild. I have a friend who virtually lives at her daughter's house, 'helping' with childcare, there are so many things that her DS-iL doesn't do, ie won't do. It infuriates me, she's not 100 % with her own health. Still, I have to admit I couldn't keep up her pace of life, and the other grandparents live abroad, so maybe it's all for the lll l

Narnia

I have provided the main childcare for my dd for 5 yrs. First child from 8 months, second was born just over 2 years ago.
I have gd 4 days a week ( she goes to nursery 2 morning and I collect)
We collect GS from school 4 days.
I'm not elderly (almost 60) but retired to help with childcare. It's increased over the years, started 3 days and my dd did shorter hours.
Recent months I've had a lingering infection which at times has made me feel quite unwell, luckily my dh works part time so he's helped.
I'm just finding it harder!
I love them both so much and we have a lovely relationship but together they can be a nightmare, tears and tantrums, them not me 😂
Hoping my "illness" will be sorted soon and my energy and motivation will return.
Is anyone else in the same position of being main childcare?
They are literally my life as I rarely have the motivation to go out on my "day off'
I know it's not forever and they grow so quickly, I feel ungrateful for moaning when I know some grandparents don't see their GC at all 🥲

I too am in almost exactly the same situation! My youngest has 3 boys 6,8 and 15 two of whom are ASD and quite hard work. I had cancer a few years ago and have struggled with my health since. I am main carer for the boys and its exhausting

I took early retirement this year at 60

Have you considered that you may not need to cut down on childcare permanently but you do need to do so until you are fully recovered from your recent illness.

Is there any reasonable chance of someone helping out one day a week, or the one child going to nursery all four mornings for a month or so?

You don't mention if your daughter is a single parent or not, which makes a difference, but you do need to be honest with her and tell her nicely that you just cannot cope right now.

How does your husband feel about this? You say he is helping, but could he do more?

I understand. It is difficult to say no, especially as childcare is so expensive outside of home. Current cost of living crisis has also put a lot of pressure on family members to help out for free. Two parents both working means nothing at the moment. Mt son and did are really struggling financially at the moment.
Take care of yourself and have a heart to heart with them and see if you can come to a happy medium. X

It is expensive but my DS and DDiL factored the cost in. They were then able to enjoy not paying so much when the DGC started school. There were breakfast and afterschool clubs too.

I daresay if they didn't live so far away I would have helped out but her DP were able to come if the DGC were sick etc.
When mine were young I either paid a childminder or stayed home. Different times.

Have you seen a doctor about your symptoms Narnia?. I don't suppose that's an easy thing to do either.