What shall I do?

Where is love and loyalty in all this ? Maybe I’m different …

We all need love in our lives. It is possible to find another person to love after losing a much loved partner/husband. However, it certainly does not mean that the loved one is forgotten or diminished in any way. Love is far greater than that and most people would not wish their bereaved partner to be unhappy or alone for the rest of their lives. We are all different and cope with the trauma of bereavement in different ways.

Maybe it’s best not to fall out with him over this . Agree to meet her as she could really be helping him through the grieving process.
A relation of ours lost his wife a few years ago just before Christmas. He went on holiday to Spain a month later and met a woman who he is still with. His daughters were horrified but have come to accept her . Last year my DDs best friend lost her mum to cancer and a couple of months later her dad met a lady . They don’t live together but go on holiday every couple of months .
It seems to me, men just can’t cope by themselves . I was only 54 when my husband died suddenly but it’s never occurred to me to get with anyone else .

Thank you all so much. Lots of different views to take on board. We are all meeting them a week on Friday for afternoon tea at their hotel. I can assure you all we will be nothing but kind and friendly to both. None of us are nasty people. It is a bit quick but all your views have made us all think differently about it so thank you from me and my brother and our other half’s.

It's his life so let him get on with it. Seems it's to be a short visit and perhaps he is just wanting to keep in touch rather than parade his new friend.

hazelw

Looking at it from a different view... This lady is in a new relationship with a new partner and he is taking her to meet his late wife's family! Pretty nerve-racking for her I should imagine. Be kind

That didn’t occur to me but you are absolutely right! This lady may be worried that everyone will be comparing her to the late wife, and maybe will find her wanting. She must be pretty scared!
Be kind, welcome her. If the relationship comes to anything that will be the time to decide how you feel, (but not ‘judge’ please).

Ziggy62

My first husband died in 2007
Met my current husband in 2014, married in 2016.

Please meet them and be pleasant.
Life is too short to be alone and unhappy

That’s seven years, not seven months, if she doesn’t feel comfortable I would put them off visiting, tbh. If he’s with her next year, invite them them.

It's his choice and your dear cousin is not here - but might be cheering him on his way, wanting him to be happy. Let it go if you can, and be open and welcoming. You sound like someone who cares about other people, so I am thinking you can do this gracefully and feel ok and probably enjoy their company.

I married my second husband after I been divorced for five years.Sadly he died of cancer two weeks before our first wedding anniversary.I was 38 with two children. I met my third husband at the same singles club ( no Internet dating then), nine months later and married him a further nine months after meeting.There were a few comments but most friends and relatives approved.
He died nearly six years ago after we had been happily married for 37 years.
If they are both happy it's no-one else's concern.

Very awkward. Do a shirt lunch grin and bear it and just try and be pleasant. Awful situation as you were very close to your cousin.

I want to know where he is living now if he put the house on the market that quickly? And why? Was it too big? Did he move in with this new lady???
I find men who are recently widowed or divorced/ separated or similar are always looking for a new woman, but if they haven’t found a permanent replacement after a few years I find that they prefer their freedom, but still want a woman for sex, etc…?

its always hard to have to meet new partners particularly of someone you were so close to. Grieving does not have time limits but I do know that men do not cope being alone as well as women. my father just wanted my mum but ended up having several not brilliant relationships until he was reunited with mum. we did think a lot of his choices but tried to step back and lead his own life

I understand how you feel as the same thing happened to me. My best friend passed away and 6 mths later her DH was sending emails about the different women he was seeing from a dating site. He eventually visited and brought a woman with him. I have to say she was really very nice and I did start to wonder how difficult it must be for her knowing his late wife was my best friend. It helped in some ways because she was the exact opposite to my friend so no comparisons, they are now happily married.
If you like your late cousin's DH and want to keep your promise to your cousin then you just have to paint on that smile and meet them. I hope your experience turns out as well as mine.

Just because they are ‘friends’ does not mean they are necessarily anything more than that.
I’m friends with a gentleman who,s wife passed away and I am divorced. I would never want to be in another ‘relationship’. We are friends pure and simple. We do voluntary work together and see and speak most days. Everyone who meets us presume we are a married couple which could not be further from the truth.We go on holiday together. I’ve met his family and he has met mine. We talk about his wife which helps him. Don’t presume the relationship until you see or hear otherwise. He could also be helping her over grief.
Joking aside I always tell my friend that if I was married to him it would have divorced him long ago.

hazelw

Looking at it from a different view... This lady is in a new relationship with a new partner and he is taking her to meet his late wife's family! Pretty nerve-racking for her I should imagine. Be kind

That’s what I was thinking too. It’s nice that he wants to introduce her to his late wife’s family.

I think you have to put your own feelings and reservations to one side for the moment. Meet the lady, be as pleasant as you can - she will more than likely be feeling nervous about meeting his wife’s family as much as you are unsure about meeting her.
It’s better to keep the door open than slammed shut, so to speak, and at least your cousins widower wants you to meet his friend, he could have kept quiet about it and not involved you at all.
I agree with your brother on this one - that you should meet her. You’ll be in a better place then to go with what you feel is best afterwards.

Yes, please pin on that smile and meet the new lady.
It's not easy for the family of the deceased to see the widow(er) quickly looking happy in a,new relationship.
My DM was widowed at 48. There were a couple of liaisons and finally, at the age of 77, she met her second love. He was only recently widowed, after his wife's long illness and incapacity. His daughter did find it hard to accept but he and my DM were so happy, like teenagers. He was truly devastated when she died aged 85. He died about 18 months later after his daughter and I joined forces to look after him.

A friend of mine died at 51 from bowel cancer and MS. Her partner had cared for her for several years. He was a similar age.

When she died he was heartbroken. He had no family left and joined a bereavement group on line. He got lots of support on there and ended up chatting to a lady whose husband had died on exactly the same day! They met up and became a couple.
They decided not to waste any more time and moved in together and it was all very quick but I hear they are really happy.

Looking at it from a different view... This lady is in a new relationship with a new partner and he is taking her to meet his late wife's family! Pretty nerve-racking for her I should imagine. Be kind

Desdemona

Lathyrus3

Desdemona

'Catch the Christmas buyers?'

Noobody buys houses at Christmas.

Boxing Day is the busiest day of the year on RightMove🙂

Is it? I wonder why?

Because people are bored, fed up and dreaming of a future.

Please meet him.

Grieving is a personal journey and easy to judge from the outside.

Life continues for the living, speaking from experience

Jess20

I wish I could remember where I read this but I can't... It was that people with the most successful marriages found new partners the most quickly.

I thought of this when Paul McCartney married Heather Mills. Clearly he'd hoped to reproduce what he and Linda had had. OK it went wrong but did produce a daughter and I think he's happy with Nancy now.

I heard somewhere that men who have been in very happy marriages tend to hook up with someone fairly soon as they enjoyed matrimony and are keen to regain the relationship, so in a way you could see it as a tribute to your cousin. Marriage made him happy.
But yes, do meet up with them (I'd be desperately curious, if nothing else!). It's only lunch and you might really like her. Hope it goes well and please let us know!

When he knew he was dying, my husband said he hoped I would enjoy the rest of my life, and I was to do precisely what I wanted. He did not want to think I would just sit sadly at home, waiting for my time to come.

If I met someone and liked them enough to want a relationship or a new marriage fine.

I would have said the same to him, if I had been the one to go first.

So far, I don't want a new relationship, but am open to new friendships. It is only barely eighteen months since DH died, so there is no knowing. Things might change, but right now I don't think they will.

Do you know that your cousin did not say something similar to her husband?

Meet them both. Surely, it is better he is content, than a sad, lonely widower?

I can understand your feelings as a result of your own loss of your dear cousin. You are honouring your cousin's wish to keep in touch with her husband and I applaud you. Without a shadow of a doubt he has been finding ways to cope with his own loss and grief and meeting his lady friend is one of his coping mechanisms. I can appreciate your feelings of this being too soon but we are all different. Your brother is supportive of meeting up with them both and I hope you will be able to as well. You have the support of your brother and others to help you manage your feelings of uneasiness after all. On the other hand you may meet up and enjoy the experience. Good luck Woodenspoon 😊