What shall I do?

Casdon

I’d swallow my own feelings about it, and agree to meet her. Many men just can’t cope with being alone, and enter into new relationships within weeks or months of their wife’s death. It doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten your cousin, loves her less than he did, or doesn’t still mourn her.

I agree.

This happened after my dearest friend died.
Her widower really couldn't cope alone, he was like a lost soul. I looked on it that he'd been happy in his first marriage and was looking for the same again so it was a compliment to her, really. If he'd had an unhappy marriage he might have avoided getting married again.
It's good to see him happy and enthused about life again.

I wish I could remember where I read this but I can't... It was that people with the most successful marriages found new partners the most quickly.

We had similar with a close male relative. His wife died suddenly aged 50. They had been together since they were 17. She was very much a part of our family. A few months later he was in a relationship with his wife's best friend. He and his wife had lost a teenage son so he had already known tragedy.

Our family weren't happy and there was a falling out. We were wrong and I'm pleased to say we are all now friends again. We were judgemental. None of us had been left alone and we had no idea.

His private life is none of your business. If you are a true friend you will be happy for him.

I've heard that people who have had happy marriage and are widowed can't wait to do it again. Be happy for them.

I know it's hard. Our very good female friend died and within 4 months there was another lady on the scene with the widower. I thought far too soon to be honest and was most uneasy and there was a lot of gossip I know. We met the new lady on several occasions but quite honestly never took to her, they are married now. But if she makes him happy then that's great. Basically not my business.

My mum died a few days before my 15th birthday. My dad had a new partner whom he married just after my 16th birthday. I was mortified but as I grew older I realised he needed someone in his life, for him. Put on your big girl pants and get over it. It's his life, not yours. Just be happy for him.

Men find living alone much harder than women. And as you get older you have less time to find happiness; you have to take it where you find it. I would meet her, and hope that you take to her. It may not go anywhere, but it won't help anyone to refuse to meet her. What should he do, artificially extend the time till he is able to meet anyone?
My friend is in this position, and has no intention of remarrying or moving to where her friend lives; but the relationship has brought her company, someone to holiday with and something to look forward to. It's sad if families and friends fall out over new relationships, which I have seen often.

"None of us want to meet her"
That's awful. Poor lady. Your cousin has gone, her husband is still here and has his life to live. Would you rather he sat and wallowed? You should be pleased for him. I don't think you should 'grin and bear it', I think you should welcome his new lady with open arms and thank her for being in his life.

As others have said, some people find being single difficult. My mum was widowed very young, as my dad died in his 50's and she was a lot younger than him, but she said she didn't think she'd ever meet someone as good. She was widowed for longer than her 24 year marriage! Others find love a second time around quite quickly. We are all different. After my divorce I looked at online dating, though never plucked up courage to actually meet up with anyone. Eventually I realised I was happy enough on my own and have remained so. I have friends though who struggle with being single again and seem to always be looking for the next partner.
Try to accept them as the couple they are without judgement. You may find you really like his new 'lady' and if not you may never need to see them again.

Life alone s pretty lonely..men seem find it so much harder than women
It’s his life to live..if you want to do as your cousin asked you need to meet up and remember no one knows another’s life

Nobody ever knows what's going on in someone elses marriage. Maybe your cousin's had been on the blink for many years ; he loyally stayed with her through her illness until she died. And now having been through that, he feels he should grab life and live it while he can. Make a new start.

Or maybe they were so close and happy that she actively encouraged him "When I die, don't bury yourself in grief. I want you to be happy; sell this old place, live your dreams, and I hope you find someone new to keep you company with my blessing",

Maybe when she asked you to stay in touch with him, her underlying message was " Whatever he chooses to do".

You can never have too much love. He loved your cousin and now he has some new love in his life. It does not detract5 from how he felt for your cousin. Be happy for him.

My FiL had 3 lady friends as a widower, the first 2 relationships lasting until the lady died, the last one ended when he died.

We, and the ladies, all knew he had been devoted to his wife and would have her back in an instant if he possibly could.

He had to live in the present, though, so was doing the best he could.

Lathyrus3

Desdemona

'Catch the Christmas buyers?'

Noobody buys houses at Christmas.

Boxing Day is the busiest day of the year on RightMove🙂

Is it? I wonder why?

Desdemona

'Catch the Christmas buyers?'

Noobody buys houses at Christmas.

Boxing Day is the busiest day of the year on RightMove🙂

'Catch the Christmas buyers?'

Noobody buys houses at Christmas.

If it helps I have read somewhere that men who have been in very happy marriages are more likely to hitch up with someone quicker than those in unhappy marriages.
They find being alone incredibly hard and want to replicate the happiness they had.
Not sure why women aren’t the same although I presume some are but everyone grieves and copes differently I suppose.
Personally I would like my husband to be as happy as he could be if I wasn’t around.

Casdon

I’d swallow my own feelings about it, and agree to meet her. Many men just can’t cope with being alone, and enter into new relationships within weeks or months of their wife’s death. It doesn’t mean that he’s forgotten your cousin, loves her less than he did, or doesn’t still mourn her.

Obvs we don’t know anything about their marriage but if she had been ill for a long time she may have given him a free pass as it were.
It can’t hurt your cousin now and if you want to stay in touch you have to accept it.
On the other hand, for the future if you’re not all that keen on him but just wanted to honour a promise, you know he’s ok as he has a new woman in his life, which absolves you.

I agree with everyone here. I recognise how difficult it is seeing him with someone else - that is an odd feeling!
Bereaved people cope as well as they can, everyone is different. Please do your best - I feel sure you will!

Everybody copes with grief differently, my mum would never have met up with someone else after my dad died even though he was just in his fifties and she was still young enough to start a new life.
But an aunt of mine met up with someone just a year after my uncle died though I imagine it was less than a year and she didn’t admit to it until a year had gone by.
The family found it hard but had to grin and bear it. They subsequently split up and she met someone else on a cruise.
Sone people just can’t cope with being alone.
As others have said just grin and bear it.

Having been widowed myself I can completely understand the loneliness and desire for companionship and even the desire for a physical relationship.
When I remarried some people were less than keen but I and my DH2 who had also been widowed have always known that we did the right thing.
Meet the lady and make her welcome.

Well, I suppose in my wrk g life I had to have lunch with lots of people I didn’t like and some I positively detested and be pleasant to all of them.

It’s just a couple of hours or even less then if it’s just coffee. You can be busy if he suggests anything more.

This may not be a serious relationship, just a companionable friendship with someone in a similar position. Perhaps with benefits, perhaps not.
I know from my experience there’s no word that really describes that. So “lady” might have been the best he could come up with.

We all need friends.

We’ve been in a similar position, woodenspoon. The first meeting felt a little awkward then we concluded all that mattered was our family member was happy. The relationship lasted until he died some years later.

That’s men ! If it wa the other way around, I bet your cousin would still be grieving for him.
Btw how old is he?