Getting older

cc 🫶🏼

Thank you for posting this, pooger.

We are many who can relate to this.

How you cope depends a good deal on the person you are, and the person your husband is.

My husband found it so hard to accept that he no longer could do all the practical things he used to, that I hesitated very much to get in outside help.

Not the best way of dealing with things, as either a thing just did not get done, or I had to do it as well as I could, which if it entailed using tools meant it was not well done.

In hindsight, I might have done better to discuss the difficulty honestly with my husband. If you can do so, perhaps admitting that you both at times are frustrated by the situation might help, and lead to finding some practical solutions.

If you can't talk to him about it, then as others have said, you do what you can, and ignore the rest, or find someone who can help you.

Do please, look into what help you and he are entitled to. I left that until very late in the day and regretted not having got help earlier.

If possible, give yourself some time off, - easier said than done, I know. And if you possibly can, keep up with friends, so both you and your husband have the possibility of discussing things with others.

And when the worries or frustration threatens to overpower you, do what you have just done - tell us. We are many in the same boat, or who have been there.

I've slowed down a lot,, I have a window cleaner now, for a couple of years,order all my shopping online, I couldn't walk round a supermarket now, can't walk up the garden to hang washing out, I have one of those little metal driers that pull out
OH can still male a cuppa, and helps to put shopping away, he has alzheimers, so there's not much he can do, but I am grateful that we were able to help with GC when they were small, picking them up from school, babysitting...so now I take more time for myself, hoovering and dusting get done when I feel like it ,we're both in our 80.s now it's time to slow down

Perhaps acceptance is the first thing. And then, we fortunately live in an age where we can readily pay for help for all sorts of things. If you can, I’d take advantage of that. You can see from the replies that you’re not alone. It’s a fact that as we age we can do a little less so don’t exhaust yourself and get some support.

I am now 80, live alone and hate the fact that I cannot be totally independant , and in particular just find it hard coping with treatments with no one to talk about it when I am feeling either scared or depressed or whatever. Lack of sleep makes things much worse. But as they say, it is better than the alternative!! So I have now got myself a list of things like tradespeople that other people have given good commendations. At the womens group there are women of all ages and so you might get a good idea of a great pumber from someone who has known them 20 years and also a young mother will tell you of a good playgroup or park when your grandchildren visit. I am also trying to introduce the idea that I used many years ago of a skill list. So in a play group , when my son was little, we had 3 raffle tickets to begin with. You put down the things that you were good at, gardening, sewing mending cars , baking fancy cakes etc. Then you could look for other skills that you would want to make use of. So if y ou wanted a fancy birthday cake you provided the ingredients and the good baker made it, or a pair of trousers made with a bigger hem or something made without those irritating stupid drawstrings that made you look fatter, then you buy the material someone else makes it. For each job you "pay" an agreed amount of raffle tickets so obviously someone walking your dog for an hour does not get as much as someone perhaps spending 2/3 hours sewing something. So you do not have to agree to do matching things, and you can earn more tickets from simple things like babysitting or whatever.

So if you belong to anything like WI or bridge club or anything where there is a variety of people belonging you might be able to start or join in something like this. It can help you to work out how to get jobs done, and if there is no person that suits you or the job is too complicated then usually other people could make suggestions for suitable people to go to, to pay for it to be done. At least that way if you manage to get the job done, you will both feel less frustrated and stop being reminded that it still isnt done and you no longer are able to do it yourself!! If you are lucky you might have a younger family living nearby. They may have no family close by and be happy to have someone reliable to babysit and perhaps give good ideas for the garden , in exchange for a bit of brawn when needed. .

I think an important thing is to give yourself a time whether a morning or an afternoon each week which becomes your time. This is not self indulgent but a way to help you through the hard times. There have been times in my life when the thought that tomorrow afternoon I would have some time to myself was the only way to keep going at the time and not get ratty and horrible and then feel guilty. So try to make that time your own, and that will give you something to hang on to at difficult times. Try to be strong willed and keep that time like gold dust and not let yourself be cajoled into giving up your time. You need that time to keep going.

Another possibilty is that if you both have differing interests , and can afford it look for a little course for a few days where you go together and do your own thing and come back to meet up for the evening or lunchs and you will have things to talk about together.

If you feel that he will see you as being pushy or take your interest the wrong way, then has he a close friend that you could confide in and ask them to find out what your husband misses and wants to do? Is there any friends that you have known for a long time, where you might be able to spend time together and hopefully the men might find something to mend or do or whatever and you might have a little intelligent conversation with the other woman. Another possibility is finding a good decent garden centre, which has a decent cafe and easy parking. We have a decent one near here and they have good gardening books, the usual plants etc and seeds and tools . A whole variety of things to buy, and they have an offer on their coffee if you have their loyalty cards. Obviously they hope as you walk through all the goods that you will spend money on your way to the cafe. I am very strong willed and ignore everything except I go to the "sick bay" where I look at plants and see what I can bring back to life for a very cheap price. If your husband is interested in plants you can ask his advice and so forth. If he is not interested then suggest he either brings his paper or a magazine or book and just sits in the cafe in the sun and you get a little chance to have a bit more time on your own. Anything that gives you a time to y ourself will ease your feelings of frustratrion I would suggest. It is about making the most of what you can do. When I am in a lot of pain and cannot walk even a short distance and my hands hurt, I dont try and do anything in the garden. It will just drive me mad and I will remember how I used to be able to do things. So on a day like that I will get the thermos and all my things china mugs etc and go off a little way into the countryside and to have half an hour with my binoculars and watching the birds and having the peace and quiet revives me. The other thing of course is my answer to frustration! I have a bread recipe which only takes one rising, and my goodness how good the bread is when I have punched and slammed the frustration out into the bread and then enjoy eating it!! Look out the bread recipe and have a bash. Hoping something of these ideas will be useful or lead you on to think of something else that you might try.

Then is there anything that you and your husband used to do, or have said that you wanted to do, that at the moment you dont do now? Even

Nanny27

ExaltedWombat

Yes, you cope. And sometimes it’s frustrating and you get a bit sad. Next question?

Rather rude don't you think

Sounds like the old school matron or teacher, who tells you to “ get on with ‘it’ “! Sorry, I’m a bit of a wimp on occasions and it helps to cry it out… then get on with what you can.
I live alone, have chronic kidney disease, asthma, and other more minor ailments… but lucky at nearly 80 to still be here after a near death experience.
I do what I can, when I can, AND when I feel like it or if Visitors are coming… in which case I often employ some help then, tho I hate having to have others help.
But I am lucky in that I live alone. I would HATE to have someone else to compromise my time and limited energies on.
The thought ( after 3 husbands and 2 children) of HAVING to look after someone else, however much I loved them and having them interfere with what I wanted to do now is anathema! My advice to the OP is do what you can and WANT to and get someone in for the basics every now and then. Quality of Life is more essential at an older age than a perfect house and meals and routine on tap to please a husband! You’ll both have a better time together if you are rested and less stressed. If this continues…and it WILL get worse… life will become unbearable for both of you.

PS: I use 2 AirFryers, a microwave, and hob in various combinations for quick, easy healthy( ish) meals that take up little time. M & S ready meals, or quick cooks, prepared quickly and cook whilst I work ( I still run a small business) . I ignore the floors and dust until they become obvious. Then either do the worst myself or get a cleaner in about 3/4 times a year. I love my dishwasher. I never iron . I’ve just bought one of those upright hand steamers for really bad creases. I have no room for a tumble dryer, but recently asked my sons for my birthday for one of those indoor ‘dry soon’ electric dryers, which I have yet to use.
In other words, unless you have regular tea or dinner parties, or similar, and live together quietly overall, then use every short cut going. !

Yes I can relate to this post. My husband gets frustrated that he can’t do what he used to do!! But is reluctant to have tradesmen in… I have a list of jobs which need doing .., it’s not the money …he just doesn’t like the tradesmen in!

I've lived alone for many years and manage most things myself but there are some things I struggle with. I had a friend who loved to help and was always willing to come round if I asked but he's now moved away so some things just don't get done.

My DD lived with me for a couple of years after the pandemic and she had a problem with me asking my friend to help. She would say "We don't need a man to help." She would insist we could do it ourselves then either we struggled or things just didn't get done!

I saw my friend recently and he told me he had been saddened when I hadn't asked him for help as he liked to be useful! It wasn't a one way street either. He would ask me for lifts as he'd had to give up driving due to eyesight problems. He also asked me to do bits of sewing for him. Obviously it's easier to have a friend like that if you're alone rather than having a husband who can no longer help.

Have you claimed Attendance allowance? It helps pay for cleaners, gardeners etc.

Honestly I feel sad for most of the time and whatever all the positive people say on here it’s not going to change anything because we both just miss who we were and at 70 were going to do before dh got mnd .

Exalted.wombat. what a crass remark

Sewingpruso I feel the same as you. I only remarried last year and for the 3 years we'd been together everything was wonderful. Over the last month he has been having pain in his hip and can do nothing. We moved some weeks ago and it has been a struggle unpacking, finding homes for thongs with him constantly sighing and asking "why dont you just throw that stuff out"!! I've spent 40 years looking after my family and ex who was a coercive controlling bully. I thought it was my time now to have fun and share it with someone who appreciated me. But seems my life is doomed to caring for others with little time for myself. I would not be so upset if my new DH would go to Dr or, once I got him there, actually take the prescribed medications and not "know better"!! Feeling very down today so understand the OP and think we should not be berated for being a little selfish with our feelings sometimes ❤️

Agreed. A bit unkind

Well! 'Old age certain isn't for the faint- hearted" so the saying goes.
Although, I know a few family members who enjoyed wonderful old ages, well into their 90's. Yet, I'm still fearful of what's to follow inevitably! 🤔

Tooyoungtobeagranma, best wishes to you from myself & my old sheepdog. I hope things get better. 🐾🏵🐾

ExaltedWombat

Yes, you cope. And sometimes it’s frustrating and you get a bit sad. Next question?

How rude and crass of you. Couldn’t you be nicer?

I too have a DH who can no longer drive but I am lavishing thank yous on him for things he can do like bring the bins in,put milk bottles out ,lock and unlock doors pm and am and turn on the dishwasher. He feels it trivial but I lay it on thick how much it helps me as I’ve had to take over all the driving and I hate it. I feel at pushing 80 I should really be throwing my keys away and getting an account at a taxi service. I’ve had a few problems with the odd taxi I have ordered - not arrived ,or didn’t want to pick me up at a church(young Muslim guy) .
I think someone mentioned triage and that struck me as the ridge word. I refuse to not have food I like as DH likes to do the shopping but chooses not always food I would choose. His choice of veg is very much now what his mother would have bought and mince ! Omg the mince! I limit it in all its forms to once a week. But he still makes me laugh and that’s worth a million problems.

Ridge? I meant key.

Re swopping tasks with other people.....some people might still have a LETS scheme nearby (or could start one up?). It's a form of bartering of skills.

When it was first thought up - decades ago now - it was envisaged as just a skill swap thing, eg "I offer typing to anyone in the scheme and get paid with LETS credits (ie a form of cheque) and then can 'buy' anything I can't do or my body won't let me do from anyone else in the local scheme.

It was envisaged as just being for one place only and maybe about 100 members - but, in the event, it went worldwide and quite a few countries got their own individual LETS groups in different cities/towns/villages. Yep...that's fine...great in fact and it was welcomed that it all went so much bigger than it was thought it would.

One of the things envisaged at the outset was, to use one example, there might be an old person that wanted grandchildren but didnt have any (or at least not nearby) on the one hand and someone needing something doing on the other hand. Yep...it happened.....two next-door neighbour households that didn't even know each other until they both joined LETS - and so it was win/win. Cooking cakes and bread (defo home-made bread is in demand) might be something someone could offer - ie if they were still well enough to make the bread (and the person "buying" it just paying with money for the ingredients).

It's worth a look for some to see if there is such a scheme in their neighbourhood still - or one could be started - as they can be very useful and one tends to meet nicer people (by and large) through things like that.

Even people who feel they can't find much to offer might come up with something they can offer to "pay their way" in it. In the one that existed for some time in my previous city there was a woman who knew very well she was very unwell (ie MS) - but she did what admin work she could to earn her "LETS credits" and, in return, the group made sure that someone came in to do a couple of hours of housework a week for her to "pay" them with LETS credits for that. It worked pretty well - as I know because I took over being the someone doing the housework she regarded as "hers" for a while when the first person no longer could.

It also proved a way to meet people that were, by and large, the nicer type of people. It was a 1970s/1980s thing - but could still have its uses now.

www.letslinkuk.net

and that's the link for the UK section of LETS.

History records that it was invented in Canada....but anyways it did go pretty world-wide in the event.

ExaltedWombat totally unnecessary and rude comment.

I try to find different ways of dealing with physical tasks, forcexample, I have mastered the art of sitting down vacuuming, so I utilize the chairs that are in place, and vacuum the area around, then move to another, I also use a light small stool. I walk my dog at a country park, which has benches every few hundred yards I can walk about half a mile on a good day, then sit on a bench and throw a ball, until I feel I can walk further. I used to be in a local fell walking group, in my 40s and 50s and ran at least 3 times a week so it is rather disappointing to be hobbling around with a stick in my 70s. I feel embarrassed to be so disabled, after keeping myself fit most of my life. However arthritis isn't going to kill me, so I should be thankful to reach my 70s
My husband died at 66, and worked all his life, and then had his retirement cut short!

It's amazing what you can do when you have to. My husband was always the techie, his job put him way ahead' of most. Over time though every thing became more difficult and in the end the remote in the TV became too much. I did everything and surprised not only him but myself too. It's wearing but we have no option but to play the cards that life deals us. It's not fair but there it is.

So many helpful suggestions here. I have had caring responsibilities for years and found many of those mentioned useful.
Q. Are your DH's health issues such that he is able to claim DLA - or Attendance Allowance? This last is not means tested, and you can get very good advice / assistance completing the forms at home from the staff of the department
concerned.
If he qualifies, the money could help pay for someone to clean/garden/do repairs / pay for community education courses which would allow him to pursue an interest and take the pressure off you. Most education centres take account wherever possible of the needs of people with mobility problems or other disabilities. This would give you free time to meet friends/ pursue your own interests. Absolutely agree that you need to keep to a regular ' me time' slot during the week which DH will accept cannot be changed- other than for friends or family who live at a great distance; emergencies; or medical appointments.
Look after your own health - the usual things we don't prioritise when stressed out - fresh air, walks, healthy food choices, finding ways to relax and switch off from the daily grind in whatever way works for you. And don't neglect your friends.