Getting older

You just do what you can and find other ways to do things.

It isn't easy, you try to still have some time for you.

I've been my husband's carer for 35 years, I find the most frustrating thing is reminding him I'm in my 70s now not 30s and he can't just assume I can do things.

Unfortunately, this happens in most relationships as we age, or illness takes over and one or both becomes less able.
Having had a sort of long distance marriage at times, I’d acquired a list of tradespeople, who I was able to call on for help over the years, and now on my own, still use them.
As for the sadness and frustration, I experienced the former, but not so much the latter. I think you’ll find many on this thread would swap places with you - still having your Other Half.

Do remember to make time for yourself.

I think it is good to be fairly busy in older age, but, of course, not completely overwhelmed.

If it is possible for you financially, perhaps you can buy in a bit of help.

If you can afford it, employ someone be it gardener, cleaner or handyman. I willingly give up other things to pay for help and we are both happy, he does not get frustrated and I am not snappy!

I care for my DH full time, have been doing so since March when he had a stroke. Right now I have to do all household tasks as well as care for him, but I operate a triage approach to tasks inasmuch as if it is an urgent job that needs immediate attention I do it, and other jobs get shifted down the list, some get done and the rest go into pending. I also cut corners with healthy ready made meals on occasion and a neighbour helps with the garden - he is a saint who gets treated to a cuppa and a cake for his trouble.

I think as we get older we need to accept that we cannot do things that we previously did and adjust oue lives to suit.

No advice Pooger24 but I completely understand where you are coming from. I am in the same position. I love my husband and I know it can't be helped but I do get a bit resentful sometimes and then I feel awful and mean. It doesn't help that I currently have my son and teenage grandaughter and dog living with us. We already have our own dog and I didn't really want two dogs but there is nothing I can do. My son helps but he works long hours. I get very frustrated and a bit overwhelmed sometimes. I do have a gardener and I have just found a cleaner which is a great help.

On my own like many others, so no help here. I don't like my face or body and glad my husband can’t see me now. I get very tired but always on the go as if I stop I might not start again.

I actually feel embarrased posting this, but I remember the person who parachute jumped on my own, who never used lifts, who used to walk fast, now at 68 I have osteoarthritis, CKD, duverticulitus and a partial collapsed lung.
I am now tired alot of the time, stiff, and at times fed up. I still meet up with friends and make an effort to keep moving. I used to get out the car in tight spots on one leg and could ease out, now both feet have to be on the ground. I can't believe my body has let me down.
I had to laugh, my GP told me that on the whole I am healthy but just have age relayed conditions, apart from the lung. So I guess Monica is right I have to accept I cannot do what I used too.
Pooger I think you have to accept you cannot do what you used too. I agree with others if you can afford it, get help. Also explain this to your husband see if he has any ideas of how things can be easier.

Yes, you cope. And sometimes it’s frustrating and you get a bit sad. Next question?

My husband is definitely getting dementia; I find I resent that in my old age I am now dealing with a 2 year old instead of my partner. He constantly interferes and makes twice as much work. I'm finding it very hard to keep calm and kind. I have constant pain from osteoarthritis and can't sleep. I feel so depressed and hopeless.

Roles are reversed for us. I used to be very fit and active but a medical emergency some time ago has changed all that. I try to do as much as possible myself but there are tasks that are impossible to do alone and OH helps. He also does a great deal around our home but is very mindful to not take away what bit of independence I have remaining and I am determined to keep hold of.
I know I only have to ask my OH whilst acknowledging my own limits.

As i read your post I was already tearful about this very thing, I’m 66 and I get so tearful about getting older and losing my physical health, my mobility is not very good due to physical problems and I can’t help but grieve for my younger self who was always so busy and active raising a family at a young age and also working, i was also pretty good at running and now I can’t even walk around a supermarket
My adult daughter tells me it’s a privilege to get old as so many people die young and I know she’s right, but I just can’t shake off these feelings sorry I’ve probably made you feel worse now.

I have a few trusted, local tradespeople, who I use for regular services & emergencies. I use personal recommendations to locate any help I need. I had a husband who did all the maintenance, car, house & garden and once he was gone I found it difficult to adjust to not having someone on hand for the multiple issues that arise in a house. When I relocated I deliberately bought a new build house to reduce the need for maintenance, but 9 years on little things go wrong!

Oh dear, a very depressing thread. Yes, getting older is not for cissies as the saying goes. I'm nearly 76 and live in a far too large 4 bed house, so lots of things don't get done. As long as I have a clear path from the front door to the back door I'm fine with it!! Can still just about mow the lawn and do a bit of weeding, potting when necessary.

It's upsetting and sad but I'm the other side, don't walk well and seem not to be able to open jars or lift shopping bags anymore. you choose a life partner and that's what they are' a partner' . He picks up what I carnt do and I do all the thing he carn't do. Getting old sucks.

ExaltedWombat

Yes, you cope. And sometimes it’s frustrating and you get a bit sad. Next question?

Rather rude don't you think

I have many of the same feelings as all of you. Now that I am thinking about it, I've been caring for others all my life and neglecting myself. My husband died 2 years ago. I took care of him for 3 months before he died. For years prior to that I felt ignored and taken for granted. So like another OP here I felt resentful and then guilty for feeling that way. Now that my husband's gone, I wonder why I haven't been grieving. At least I don't feel guilty now because I gave my husband care when he needed it so I have nothing to be sorry for.

No easy solution but I am cutting down on cooking. I used to cook fresh every night but have instituted a burger night and a pizza night. DH has been ill on and off for many years and hasn’t aged well. I sometimes feel as if im living with his father and he was never very good at looking after me so I often feel resentful and forgotten. There seem to be a lot of us in this position. For 25 years I was also heavily involved in caring for my DP not to mention the GC. I sometimes feel that I have disappeared under the heading ‘carer’.

My husband recently had a minor stroke whilst we were on holiday and since coming home, I realised how much he did before his illness. I was exhausted for the first week, especially as I had to arrange different meals, looking for low salt and low fat. I survived, having now caught up on my sleep, am feeling much better however, my husband is still limited in what he can do. Improvements have been made and continue to happen. I really feel for the OP as I realise how dependant I was and I am now taking steps to be more active (I have a number of medical issues) so have to be wary and careful. I can only reiterate what others have said, if you can afford it, get some help to deal with the more difficult, for you, jobs. I really hope things improve for you.

Like Georgesgran said we have to get a list of trusty tradespeople in to help as we grow older and things are beyond us.
In my marriage we have spent 1/3 of it apart in different countries and I learnt to organise things by myself.
You’ll be surprised the difference it makes when you do not feel every problem has to be borne just by you.
In the house, make sure everything is done the easiest way possible to give you time to read, or whatever you like to do to relax.

My husband still does quite a lot, housework and loading the dishwasher, but he has heart failure and I find myself trying to avoid giving him heavy things to do. He also walks quite slowly now which I find a little frustrating. I dread having to live alone, which I know will come.

rafichagran

I actually feel embarrased posting this, but I remember the person who parachute jumped on my own, who never used lifts, who used to walk fast, now at 68 I have osteoarthritis, CKD, duverticulitus and a partial collapsed lung.
I am now tired alot of the time, stiff, and at times fed up. I still meet up with friends and make an effort to keep moving. I used to get out the car in tight spots on one leg and could ease out, now both feet have to be on the ground. I can't believe my body has let me down.
I had to laugh, my GP told me that on the whole I am healthy but just have age relayed conditions, apart from the lung. So I guess Monica is right I have to accept I cannot do what I used too.
Pooger I think you have to accept you cannot do what you used too. I agree with others if you can afford it, get help. Also explain this to your husband see if he has any ideas of how things can be easier.

i,m also on my own since my husband died january 2nd, he was ill for many years and couldnt do any of the things he used to do, even small tasks towards the end

Personally I'm often very stiff and less mobile, so I'm trying to exercise properly twice a week. The frustruations of getting older!