Getting older

Sewingpruso

My husband is definitely getting dementia; I find I resent that in my old age I am now dealing with a 2 year old instead of my partner. He constantly interferes and makes twice as much work. I'm finding it very hard to keep calm and kind. I have constant pain from osteoarthritis and can't sleep. I feel so depressed and hopeless.

Bless you.
It is hard to actually get him to admit it, but you need to talk to your GP.
Then get help with coping mechanisms.

One or the others usually become the carer at some point, I was a carer twice over for both my husband, my mother and then my late partner so had to do everything for all 3 of them. You do what you can, don't expect any help and you don't get disappointed or frustrated. If they really can't they can't, and we have to buy help for the jobs we really either can't or won't do. It is surprising how we soon learn do all these job we had never done before. My husband had a massive stroke in 2006 was completely paralysed and wheelchair bound for ever and I became a carer instantly who had to do EVERYTHING for him too overnight for 11 years. I was just so pleased he survived, I initially felt fear and worried financially but frustration never entered my head.

Glenfinnan

Yes I can relate to this post. My husband gets frustrated that he can’t do what he used to do!! But is reluctant to have tradesmen in… I have a list of jobs which need doing .., it’s not the money …he just doesn’t like the tradesmen in!

This is where tough talk is necessary, explain to him that neither he nor you are able to do it hence you have to ask an outsider, maintenance needs doing or you will sincerely regret it.

Do look around at what you can do to ease your workload. I am busy clearing my garden down to easier layout for example.

But you need to stop doing some things:
- I hear grans who iron sheets and towels! - I have stopped, for the summer, using my spin setting and peg out the very wet washing so it blows to good enough. I have bought more casual clothes that do not need it.
- my sheets get changed a little less often
-my windows inside get washed only when I really cannot stand them any more, and window cleaner does the rest
- shopping gets done in dribs and drabs not as a weekly hit

I am sure other grans can add to this list

... but do push him as much as you can because if he does what he can, he wil continue to be able to do more

Sewingpruso

My husband is definitely getting dementia; I find I resent that in my old age I am now dealing with a 2 year old instead of my partner. He constantly interferes and makes twice as much work. I'm finding it very hard to keep calm and kind. I have constant pain from osteoarthritis and can't sleep. I feel so depressed and hopeless.

How can anyone resent a husband being ill with a degenerative disease? it is not his fault he would love not to have this. Imagine it was the other way around would he resent you being ill? Surely if you love someone you support them and work with it the best you can. It is hard being a carer, believe me I know, but at least they are still with you. Would you rather he was not? be grateful for what you have and concentrate on what he and you can do rather what he and you can't do. May you find the strength to take one day at the time at live in the now.

Thank you so much to everybody who has taken the time to send their advice and write about their experiences. I’m very grateful to you all and will take everything on board x

M0nica

I think as we get older we need to accept that we cannot do things that we previously did and adjust oue lives to suit.

That's so true but my husband is so frustrated that he can't do all those things he used to do

orly

M0nica

I think as we get older we need to accept that we cannot do things that we previously did and adjust oue lives to suit.

That's so true but my husband is so frustrated that he can't do all those things he used to do

Absolutely acceptance is everything

We are getting on a bit (a lot) and just can't do what we used to do. We have to pace ourselves now. Food shopping today exhausted DH, I think and I suggested we start getting home deliveries again this winter, although it's good to combine it with a trip out and lunch.

We have help in the garden and might need more and perhaps a cleaner too before long.

If you declutter everything might seem simpler to look after - or so I keep telling DH! He is a very reluctant declutterer.

Win Sewingpruso is not resenting her husband. She's resenting her situation. She needs understanding and a hug.

Agree on the Attendance Allowance. Most undersubscribed thing on offer it seems which is crazy because it can pay others to help carry the load. ( cleaning , garden , taxi

Win. I can relate to Sewingproso comment as I feel the same. Unless you are in this situation you have no idea what it is like.

And no my DH would not resent me being ill, but he would not support me in the way I have for him.

I was very willingly my husband's carer for some years.
I now live alone, with a serious disability.
Isn't it ironic that, when we were young, fit and healthy, we had relatively carefree lives, whereas the older and less able we become, the more we have to cope with?

Labadi0747

Agree on the Attendance Allowance. Most undersubscribed thing on offer it seems which is crazy because it can pay others to help carry the load. ( cleaning , garden , taxi

My OH does most everything, I have M.E. The criteria for AA is you must need help with washing, dressing, and toilet needs. You can be very incapacitated but manage dressing and going to the toilet. Very narrow.

nadateturbe

Labadi0747

Agree on the Attendance Allowance. Most undersubscribed thing on offer it seems which is crazy because it can pay others to help carry the load. ( cleaning , garden , taxi

My OH does most everything, I have M.E. The criteria for AA is you must need help with washing, dressing, and toilet needs. You can be very incapacitated but manage dressing and going to the toilet. Very narrow.

This is the problem with AA. It requires inside information on how to complete the form.

Someone who is incapacitated but manages to get dress is just the sort of person that should get AA.

Let me ask a simple question. Is your DH ( or you) able to get dressed with the same ease and facility you both did when you first married? I bet the answer is 'no'. I say that because you use the word manage. It means that your DH, in this case, can put his clothes on, but with diffiulty. He may have to do it very slowly because of breathing problems or have to be extra careful and sit down when putting his trousers on. He may have to be very careful to avoid falls. You may have to help him with shoes and socks.

In all this, he is dressing himself, but having problems and is probably safer if someone is present and on call while he is dressing - like you, even if you are not physically in the room.

I was a volunteer Home Advisor with what was Age Concern for 10 years and most of my work was AA forms. I met many people like you, turned down when they filled the form in unaided but successful when helped to understand how to answer the questions.

Get another form and before you complete it speak to your local Age UK. You could also, if you wish, PM me and I can write to you (or anyone else) more extensively.

Ever since I joined GN I have been guiding several GN members each year to ensure they get the AA they qualify for.

M0nica
What an incredibly kind post. Over 30 years ago my mum was turned down for AA. She was fully deserving of it but had been too worried about "making a fuss" on the form. I took her to an Age Concern office (it might have been Help the Aged then) The wonderful volunteer was amazing and encouraged my sweet mum to answer honestly without being "brave". She got AA and we both cried with relief.
Thank you M0nica, and all volunteers, for helping others.

I relate very much to this. Cancer and severe sepsis a few years ago completely changed my health landscape and I now struggle with mobility, low blood pressure (causing dizziness) and very low energy reserves.
I had to give up my job in March (although I am “only” 61) and am permanently run down! I help extensively with 3 ND grandsons who wear me out and share the load with my DH who has COPD and struggles too with walking far.
My biggest problem is the disparity between how old I feel I am and how old and ill I ACTUALLY am! In my head I am still in my 40’s but my body says differently! I get very frustrated and annoyed by my limitations and those of my DH who I also forget (at nearly 70) is not the spring chicken he was when we met at uni eons ago!
I also miss my job very much and hate the accommodations I need to ask for when I go places, special assistance at the airport, blue badge parking etc! I feel like an old useless crock and hate it.
I have 3 daughters; the two eldest are lovely, but the one who (ironically) I help with child care for, just gets irritated by my slowness and makes me feel more useless because I cannot leap around quickly as she can. she will not accept that it has any thing to do with ill health or age, but says just loose weight and go to a gym for strength training and all will be well! She goes on about a woman in her gym who (in her 60’s) lifts heavy weights 🙄 good for her but we are all different and its not helpful to have this pointed out!
Two of the grandsons are staying with their fathers family this week and I had hoped to be able to spend time on self care and decorating but as ill luck would have it I have come down with a virus and have bern forced to rest so thats a week wasted 😒

win

Sewingpruso

My husband is definitely getting dementia; I find I resent that in my old age I am now dealing with a 2 year old instead of my partner. He constantly interferes and makes twice as much work. I'm finding it very hard to keep calm and kind. I have constant pain from osteoarthritis and can't sleep. I feel so depressed and hopeless.

How can anyone resent a husband being ill with a degenerative disease? it is not his fault he would love not to have this. Imagine it was the other way around would he resent you being ill? Surely if you love someone you support them and work with it the best you can. It is hard being a carer, believe me I know, but at least they are still with you. Would you rather he was not? be grateful for what you have and concentrate on what he and you can do rather what he and you can't do. May you find the strength to take one day at the time at live in the now.

Easily! However much you love someone, to have to care for someone 24/7 is EXHAUSTING. It is easy to resent the way your life has changed. sewingpruso please ignore win in order to care for someone you HAVE to take care of YOURSELF first. It doesn’t mean you love that person any the less, but you are both older and have your own problems. Medical &/ or otherwise. The important thing is to get help for yourself from professionals, friends and neighbours, etc. with dementia the person you loved slips away slowly and you are ( as you say) left with caring for an adult toddler! How dare win imply that you don’t care enough, she sounds like an old god-fearing busybody!

Completely understand. My husband of 58 years has been diagnosed Alhemizers, (sorry
About spelling) he used to help me a lot. I am 80, now he can do very little (like a 2 year old.) yes it is very tough. We have to cope best we can. I put my trust in God, that'd my coping strategy.xx

Very helpful advice Monica. Thank you.

M0nica that is such a helpful post, thank you. I have helped many people claim PIP and AA, and you are absolutely right about understanding what is behind the questions.

nadateturbe

Labadi0747

Agree on the Attendance Allowance. Most undersubscribed thing on offer it seems which is crazy because it can pay others to help carry the load. ( cleaning , garden , taxi

My OH does most everything, I have M.E. The criteria for AA is you must need help with washing, dressing, and toilet needs. You can be very incapacitated but manage dressing and going to the toilet. Very narrow.

My OH does most everything, I have M.E. The criteria for AA is you must need help with washing, dressing, and toilet needs. You can be very incapacitated but manage dressing and going to the toilet. Very narrow.
DH was turned down for a Blue Badge because he said he could dress himself, according to the clerk at the Council who assesses the criteria. What being able to dress yourself has to with how far you can walk, I don't know.

in order to care for someone you HAVE to take care of YOURSELF first.
Put your own oxygen mask on first!

Excellent, helpful post, M0nica.