Friend Not Keeping Her House Clean

I just have to know. What, in the opinion of OP has made her friend's kitchen "unusable".

Graunty Good observations and suggestions.

Hi. I can see where you are coming from. I'm glad you are going to call on her, don't give up on her. You can see she probably isn't coping, as to you, her home is messier. My husband and I did chores rather equally, whatever had to be done the other would pitch in. It has been seven years since he passed. Like look at it this way, one person is now doing two people's chores, on top of grieving. You may find you are the only one that visits and she may hardly ever venture out. Try and get her to go out for a coffee, cafe, walk etc. Once she gets into a routine she'll come good, everything will start to become easier. She needs her friend/s. I bet she has lost a lot of friends. I'm finally getting into a routine now, yes after seven years; though the office is still a mess, that is the next job. It took me two years to realise jobs my husband used to do, that I didn't know he did. e.g Spider treatment. No, I don't do it, I hire a contractor. She has a good friend in you, whom is there regardless.

I wondered about “ she asked me to put the kettle on” this is odd as usually the owner of the house puts the kettle on .
Unless it’s a younger than you family member .

The thought she was not wanting to put the kettle on and the milk was off and the house is in a mess does signal a difficulty .
If no family or tell family if you are worried to contact adult services . This is not like social services. She might get some help . Or speak to Age concern ring them up, they are brilliant so is their on line. There are so many areas to be tapped out there for unobtrusive help .
She might be eligible for attendance allowance, cleaning, personal care, pension credits . All these lead to other help.

Umm well do not come to my house then! we run business from here i am a crafter we have pets so um afraid housework does not come top of the list. sounds like your friend is just living as she wants to instead of perhaps being under pressure to clean.

I don`t care so much about my house as I used to.. I have two close friends and we can and do talk to each other,, their homes are spotless, they are a bit younger and more fit than I am.. they both tell me , when I comment on my lack of housework, that they come to visit me, not my house! perhaps there could be a point if we got to "personal" cleanliness I think I will mention it to them as I know my "brain" is not a quick and clever as it used to be..

I don't see the OP as being interfering. I think she is worried about her friend - and I would be too.

It sounds like her friend is depressed but I am not sure what the OP should do. Maybe she should just ask her outright how she is feeling and if there is anything she can do to help. If there is family she is aware of, perhaps they should be told.

OP - does your friend seem otherwise OK - happy and talkative?

If it was a straightforward problem of the carpets needing a quick runabout with the vacuum and a bit of dusting and polishing then that's normal enough.

But if it's rotting food in the fridge, a blocked sink etc, etc then she definitely needs some kind of help.

OldFrill

As l have said, and others, the chaotic state of OP's friend's home may indicate a health issue much greater than bereavement. I did not feel OP was being judgemental. There's no point trying to help someone with bereavement if they have dementia - it's only going to get worse. OP obviously, from her subsequent posts, wants to help and support her friend - she doesn't need any criticism on that front.

Thank you. I’ve said several times how much I care about my friend and I do care about her.

I will keep a friendly eye on her for now.

Aldom

Abnuyc123

Sending you

You are a good and caring friend.
Only interested in the welfare of your friend. In no way are you judgemental. I completely understand why you are concerned about your friend.

Agreed.

Perhaps ask if she'd like help with home tasks, listen to her answer?

As l have said, and others, the chaotic state of OP's friend's home may indicate a health issue much greater than bereavement. I did not feel OP was being judgemental. There's no point trying to help someone with bereavement if they have dementia - it's only going to get worse. OP obviously, from her subsequent posts, wants to help and support her friend - she doesn't need any criticism on that front.

Whiff

I am sorry you have lost the other half of yourself. So you should be able to help your friend as your grief is so raw. You know what she is feeling so hopefully by helping her you help yourself. You know the physical and mental pain grief brings and how hard it is to do everyday tasks . What you have to force yourself to do even though you would much rather just shut out the world. You are the perfect person to help her as you are feeling it to . So ignore her home. Have you told her how you feel and how you are coping or maybe it's to soon and you can't.

That is a kind post, Whiff
Obviously the OP misread it.

This thread is taking a rather familiar route or is it just me who thinks so ?

Caleo

Esmay

We all have different standards :
I visited one of my elderly ladies yesterday ..When she opened the door I felt really sick as the stench was horrendous .
Her house is cleaned regularly - no dust and not a fleck on the carpets and not even one dish in the sink .
But despite having a wet room - she smells .
I can't recall when she didn't .
I used to go shopping with her and the smell would pervade the car .
I'd have a scented handkerchief ready .

Interesting. Is it a smell of foot fungus , septic ulcer, faeces, urine, gangrene?
Smell is an important diagnostic tool. The poor lady should be taken care of by a NHS health visitor . There is clearly a lack of care.

old person smell is a real “thing”
It’s not always lack of care.

www.agingcare.com/articles/old-person-smell-174839.htm

Whiff may well be a long standing member of Gransnet but that’s no excuse for her harsh comments.

She needs to know when to stop.

Abnuyc123

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Whiff is a long-standing and respected GN contributor, OP. You asked for our thoughts, she's given you hers. Many of us have found Whiff's thoughtful contributions helpful over the years and, like any of us, she can only comment from her own perspective.
I'm certain she doesn't intend to sound judgemental and I realise that I probably do when I say if you don't like a particular contributor's posts then don't read 'em

Whiff

I am sorry you have lost the other half of yourself. So you should be able to help your friend as your grief is so raw. You know what she is feeling so hopefully by helping her you help yourself. You know the physical and mental pain grief brings and how hard it is to do everyday tasks . What you have to force yourself to do even though you would much rather just shut out the world. You are the perfect person to help her as you are feeling it to . So ignore her home. Have you told her how you feel and how you are coping or maybe it's to soon and you can't.

Many on this thread have commented that the state of someone’s home can be an indication of something more serious.

Your advice isn’t welcome, as you make too many assumptions and come across as very judgmental.

I am sorry you have lost the other half of yourself. So you should be able to help your friend as your grief is so raw. You know what she is feeling so hopefully by helping her you help yourself. You know the physical and mental pain grief brings and how hard it is to do everyday tasks . What you have to force yourself to do even though you would much rather just shut out the world. You are the perfect person to help her as you are feeling it to . So ignore her home. Have you told her how you feel and how you are coping or maybe it's to soon and you can't.

Aldom

Abnuyc123

Sending you

You are a good and caring friend.
Only interested in the welfare of your friend. In no way are you judgemental. I completely understand why you are concerned about your friend.

Thank you for understanding. x

I’m trying hard to not let Whiff upset me but the truth is I am upset from her comments.

Abnuyc123

Sending you

You are a good and caring friend.
Only interested in the welfare of your friend. In no way are you judgemental. I completely understand why you are concerned about your friend.

Whiff

A caring friend cares more about her friend than the state of her home. A caring friend would talk and hug that friend .A caring friend would ask how she was and is there anything she needs. A caring friend cares about the person not her surroundings. A caring friend looks at that person and sees her suffering not the state of her home . A caring person does not write on.GN about the state of her friends house keeping or lack of it . A caring person sees her grief not material things .

When the love of your life the other half of you dies life is like walking through porridge . Ever step is a struggle. You don't live you exist . Just having a wash and brushing your teeth is a struggle you wonder why you should bother as the one person you want and need you can never have or see again . You struggle to eat and drink but you know you have to because that's what they would want you to do . You have no idea where you fit in the world as your world has been destroyed and it will never be repaired.

Two years is what I call early grief infact the first 10 years are what I call early grief. Grief hurts physically and mentally. Plus all that comes when the other half of you dies. There is so much to do after death and the funeral . People expect you to get over your grief there is no getting our the grief infact in my experience it gets worse as the years go by.

After the love of your life the other half of yourself dies you find out who your real friends are as people disappear from your life . I hadn't been widowed long when I went to my local town to shop a woman who I knew saw me she stopped dead and dashed into the nearest shop I was 45 the 50 year old me would have gone in after her and asked what xxxxxxx her problem was .

If you really care ignore the state of her home and just concentrate on her .She is in pain and that pain will never go away . It's takes years to cope and the longer you are married the worse it is .

Those who have critised me have you had the other half of yourself die ?
Have you watched your husband dieing bit by bit everyday and there is nothing you do to can stop them dieing . Have you held your husband while he cried . Have you held your husband while he screamed into a pillow until the morphine sent him to sleep so our children wouldn't hear him . Have you had to hold that pillow when he begged you to do it because he was to weak to do it himself. Have you had to tell your husband to stop struggling breathing even on full oxygen. Have you had to tell him to stop fighting and we will be ok then watch your husband die a few minutes later. There is never an okay .

Critise me all you like if you have done all that . I am glad I had family and friends who cared about me and not the state of my home . Took me 14 years to stop seeing the last 2 weeks of my husband's life it was like watching a black and white film .

Care about your friend she is in pain and that pain never dies you just learn to cope . But bone crushing grief can overwhelm you out of the blue .

Your friend needs your understanding . Care about her feelings help her get through everyday . If she wants to talk about her husband listen if she doesn't want to talk just be with her as that will give her comfort.

For goodness sake, give it a rest with your judgement.

I know all about grief. My own DH died very unexpectedly just before last Christmas. He was taken ill very suddenly and admitted. Two days later he was transferred to intensive care. Exactly one week later he died.

I care very much about my dear friend and I’m now comysick of you making endless assumptions.

Allsorts

Esmay, it could be her clothes not being washed after wearing or difficulty showering which she avoids. I have noticed it on just one person and know it was that, but how to say anything I don't know.

My elder brother once said to me when I was a young woman "Your nose requires attention" .That I still remember decades later is a sign how I felt ashamed and humiliated.

However he was right to tell me before I went out in public as that would have been even worse.

eddiecat78

I think OP is right to be concerned. After my mother died my father gave himself severe food poisoning and I'm sure it came from the dishcloth which was used for everything and was never cleaned

I think I'd have interfered to the extent of replacing the dish cloth without saying anything. I take on board Whiff's advice however that does not exclude a helping hand with the old hygiene. Dish cloths are the worst offenders.

Esmay, it could be her clothes not being washed after wearing or difficulty showering which she avoids. I have noticed it on just one person and know it was that, but how to say anything I don't know.

PS Whiff I hope to remember your advice. Thanks for posting