Are we to blame for our children’s bad choices?

I feel the same way about blaming parents for the poor partner choices of adults as I do when people say “well obviously I can’t be that bad of a MIL/FIL if I raised the person you love”.

We can’t take full responsibility for the choices of fully grown adults whether the outcome of said choices are “good” or “bad”. Unless you were abusive as a parent or raised your children in an abusive home, accept the fact that these adults have their own minds. Almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce anyway. Meaning this in the kindest way but it’s not all about you. We’re hard on ourselves at parents but we need to step aside and let them live their own lives. We’re not in control anymore, so relieve yourself of responsibility in the most personal aspects of their adult lives.

No - do you blame your parents for your misjudgements and bad luck? Agreed if it is something obvious you should say something, but your relative is free to agree or disagree.

As a parent, step parent and granny, I think that you can only do your best, hopefully showing your children some good ideas of how to live in harmony, when they look at you and your husbands ways of living. Absolutely you can be the onlooker and see how something is not going to end up well, but there is not usually a safe way to speak about this,and all you can do is be there, when and if it goes pearshape. My son would have been very unlikely to accept any direct comments on women he went out with etc, but whilst at times I was in despair about his relationships, he still seemed to see me as a reasonably intelligent person, because when it came to changing jobs or thinking of a big commitment to something, he would ask me for my views. Didnt mean to say that he necessarily followed my advice, but he did recognise that having lived longer and travelled a fair bit, I might have some ideas that he had not considered. There have been 2 things he asked advice about and then ignored my suggestions and admitted that he was sorry he hadnt listened later, which I had had to bite my lip not to make any further comment at the time, but felt quite pleased that he considers my two pennorth worth listening to. But , he is a man, with his own family now and whatever he does or does not do is down to him and his own ability to look around situations and not be overcome by something so that he does not consider all the points. We did the best we were able to, as parents, as I am sure most of us did. If they go against things that are important to us or make choices that we dont really like, we need to think that we have done our job by bringing them up to make their own decisions, stand by them, good or bad and certainly not blame us for what happens next!! The big effort is accepting that it is not our responsibility to make decisions for them any more as they grow up and get jobs etc. Unless they are still living with you, and you may have house rules such as no smoking or whatever, but these rules would pertain to anyone living there, not just your children. Everyone has good and bad points, and I think if they have managed to arrive at adulthood with very little serious problems you have done a good job.

I knew my future son in law was going to be a waste of space when the first time I met him he fell out of the car drunk, I was crying inside the day they got married and thought to myself I will break open the champagne the day she leaves him, it took her six years to see him for what he was but I knew I would have lost her if I had criticised him because she had to see it for herself and make her own mistakes.
She has now been married to the most wonderful man for fifteen years who I think of as a son and have two beautiful daughters, we can’t live their lives for them or take the blame for their mistakes

Lesley60 - thank goodness things worked out for her in the end. How difficult it must have been to bite your tongue.

As I said upthread, sometimes young people make these decisions based on lust!

Luckily both of ours have found partners we feel are right for them. Our DILs have so far managed to cope with our sons who in different ways have not been easy to live with. Once your offspring are adults you are limited to what degree you can advise them if you can see they are not making good choices. You can only be there to help if possible when necessary.

My son had 2 serious relationships at university. The first girl I really liked and when they split he was devastated. The next I didn't really take to, though I never said. When they split up he was pretty upset again and I tried to comfort him but was secretly relieved. He moved to another university to study for a PhD and met his future wife soon after. They are happily married with a family now. I liked her from the start and was invited to meet her family early on. I liked them too. I couldn't have a better daughter in law!

It's really hard not to pass comment when we are uneasy about our childrens' relationship. Apart from the fact that we are only seeing things from the outside, we have to let them make their own decisions. Of course if we had really serious concerns about a partner it may be wise to advise caution, but we risk putting a strain on our relationship with our adult children.

I split from my ex husband after 19 years of marrige. My own mother never let on how she felt about him while we were together but it soon became apparent she had a number of issues with him after we split up. She was there for me and helped me to rebuild my life including supporting me financially.

I know my MiL tried to split us up early in our relationship as she didn't approve of him marrying someone a few years older. I don't think she disliked me as a person, but seemed to be worried I might not give them grandchildren! Once I produced my first child she started to refer to me as 'Her lovely daughter in law!' She never approved of her other son's partner and they are now separated, living in separate countries with one of their children each. I don't know how much her obvious disapproval affected things but now she hardly sees her grandchildren from that relationship and is obviously sad about it. She strongly disapproves of my ex's new partner too. Having seen her interference and the resulting break-ups I've concluded it is best to keep our opinions to ourselves. Sadly I think she's the sort of mother for whom no-one would ever be good enough for her boys!

Dragonfly I could have written your post as we are in exactly the same position with our son, even down to the 11 years of unhappiness 😔 - and I have asked myself the same question.

However, we are all a complex combination of influences and genes, and not to blame for other people's choices. We all have life lessons to learn.

I console myself that we can provide emotional support to our son who has turned to his family as he recovers from the split - and for our grandchildren, not least because we have the wisdom that comes with age.

I had many years of my mother saying. You want to/ don’t want to do something, which was contrary to what I did want. I decided I would never say that to my children. I was prepared to discuss with them . Consequently I have two strong minded self opinionated children who do think for themselves and reason thing out.

dragonfly46 I don't believe we are responsible. We bring them up to be the best they can be and if they choose to either marry the wrong person or behave badly in their marriage, it's not down to us. Me and my H have been married for over 40 years, giving both kids a great example. And although I felt guilty for not trying harder to keep them together for the kids sake, ultimately it's their decision. The fall out, though is horrendous. I wish you well on your journey, it's not an easy one but especially so if you are the parents of daughters who are more likely, I think, to depend on you for support and childcare after the separation

We did our best for our daughter and she is hardworking and a good mum. She has made some choices that we weren't comfortable with but on the whole she is ok.

However, bad parenting can affect someone's choices. In my case a horrible, violent household made me want to get out without much thought. Letting a mad dentist take all my teeth out aged 11, took my already almost non existent confidence. Life has been difficult. I blame them.

One of my ACs cannot hold down a relationship. The other one is happily married. I don’t think I am in any way responsible for their choices. Goodness some (many) of my relationships and choices were appalling looking back. However I do think I lacked guidance. Hmm…

There are some pretty awful parents around - many people here on GN talk about the difficulties they faced as children and how it affected them - and to that extent those parents are responsible for their children's bad decisions, but those parents are the minority.

None of us are perfect, and we all make mistakes, but for the majority of families, no, we are not responsible fr our children's bad decisions, anymore than we blame ur parents for our bad decisions.

We can’t tell our grown up children what to do but I wonder if their choices are influenced by their parents when they were young? So many of my generation are divorced and all that worry and misery went on while our children were present.

i would add my two cents worth but they know i would not tell
themwhat to do,they both take can of each other twin are so good
best chioces they made after dating for a years now i have 4 granbabies all girls

Watching with interest.
My AC are in their mid to late 20’s; only one is coupled- to someone a friend described as “possibly the nicest man in Britain”. I make a point of reminding dd I’ll always be team seriouslysdd. They all witnessed the effect of “possibly the worse woman in Britain”, my sil. She was notoriously abusive, not just in her own family but at school (all the cousins attended the same primary school 🫣)
That marriage inevitably broke down and since they were about 10/11 all my dc know that if they bring home someone obviously ‘wrong’ we will say. It does mean I’m very very careful not to criticise anyone! I reckon coming from parents who they trust and they’ve seen to be not carelessly judgemental we’ll have one chance to say.

Once our children become adults they make all their own decisions whatever they are . My husband died when ours where 20&16. If they asked my advice I gave it but otherwise they made there own decisions. It's what we have to do . We brought our children up with unconditional love and attention. No subject was ever taboo .

Who they fall in love with and marry it's their choice . How they bring up their children is also their choice. Even if we see things that we don't think is right we can't say anything . Not our place . We wouldn't have stood for parenting advice from our parents.

Bringing the children up with good values and a good work ethic and knowing if they want something they have to save and make sacrifices to achieve their goal. My husband wasn't brought up with love and attention. His parents looked after him and where better of financially than my parents . But while not rich in money my brother and me where rich in love and attention.

I am proud of both couples as they all worked from 16 . They saved and both paid for their own weddings and brought their own houses . I wasn't in a position to help financially but then again I wouldn't have .
What my husband had we did on our own . The phrase I hate is the bank of mom and dad. If you want something you work and save for it.

I loved my daughter in law like my own and was their for her when her parents went back to where she was born when she was 18 she didn't want to go as they moved to this country when she was 2. They took her brother and sister with them as they where 14&13. She moved to live near where my son went to uni . They lived together saved got married and brought their own home . Unfortunately in 2020 4 days after having a wonderful birthday with my son who came after work and him saying he would put paving in my garden to make it safer for me . Should say I was born disabled but always hands on mom and my children never got hurt physically or mentally by my disability.

He sent me a text message said he was sending an email to me and his sister and not to contact him . So haven't seen ot spoke to my son since then. His choice I never saw it coming . Will never know the real reason why apart from my daughter in laws jealousy that their 2 eldest boys loved coming to my home . Should say move to live closer to both my children in 2019 something they had both wanted for years. But looked after my parents. And mother in law who I hated for 40 years until they died and free to move and have a life. When my husband died I lost half of myself and didn't have a life I just existed. Moving gave me back a home and a full life . But my life wasn't dependent on my children I joined groups and live a full life.

When I moved lived 40 mins in a car from my son and daughter in law. He brother my 2 grandsons every week for 7 months. He told me they got excited when they realised where they were going. Once I moved here never invited to their home . Knew they where expecting another son in July 2020 . I have a grandson don't know his name or exact date of birth .

My daughter and son in law worked married and brought their own home . From when they had their first house was 15 mins away but moved to a bigger house and can get to me in 5-7 mins . When my son estranged me my son in law said he knew there was something wrong for years but wouldn't say anything to hurt me . That's the difference between who my children fell in love with . My daughter in law was always jealous of my daughter and before they hit married and had their first son I felt welcome after I did not but turned a blind eye as I still lived over 100 miles away so only saw them every few months . I was just happy being with them.

My daughter married a man who lives and cares about me . I see my daughter and 2 grandsons regularly and my son in law when work permits . My daughter laughs I have a better social life than she does.

I am very independent and never want to be dependant on anyone.

Who our children choose to love is their choose and we have to butt out and keep our opinions to ourselves even if we think they are making bad decisions. Luckily my daughter and son in law have made good decisions. My son and daughter in law have made a few awful ones which caused them problems but I never said a thing and they didn't ask for any advice.

Our children have to fly and hope they live by the values we taught them. That's what good parents do.

Good parents yes. Bad parents, like mine, teach you nothing, apart from how not to parent. We were clothed, fed but given no advice or guidance. I believe children need help and guidance to deal with life. If you have none and only horrible memories, then your life decisions can be flawed.

Yes Kate1949 this in a nutshell is why. It is not rocket science is it😦

Absolutely not!

Adult children should be independent, making their own choices and all we can do is advise and be there to pick up the pieces if the worst happens.

Of course if suspect abuse of any type you would be more pro-active, but no it’s not the parents fault their offspring make what we might consider “poor choices”

Hi
Just looking for some advice. What is an appropriate amount of money to give as a couple to a close family member for a wedding gift? TIA

Oops , wrong thread. Sorry

I suspect we are "to blame" in the sense that we made them who and what they are.

The older we all get, the more I see of DH, myself and our lifestyle and habits, imprinted on the middle aged sons.

The other day. DS1 dropped in bearing gifts. Fruit from the garden, and "unmissable bargains" harvested from Tesco reduced. Two ninety foot rolls of clingfilm rfeduced to 25 p.

He then said " do you use clingfilm? "

DH said "hm some, and anyway it lasts forever"
I said "did you buy a dozen? "
S "No, just 8".
DH "was that all they had?".

This is pure DNA straight from the father, to a son with a 6 figure income.

Bazza

Would you have listened to your parents telling you that you were marrying the wrong person? I certainly would not have done. I guess it’s a bit different if you’re asked for an opinion, as long as you word it v e r y carefully!

Both sides tried to persuade us we were making a mistake. They were wrong :-)