Are we to blame for our children’s bad choices?

It’s a question we’ve asked ourselves many times concluding no we’re not to blame. It could be different in an abusive family but for us run of the mill parents doing coir best no, it’s not our fault.

One of ours had a very similar experience to your son doodle What could we have done to make it different? Heavy criticism of a new relationship (we were tempted!) often triggers the opposite reaction to that sought. During the marriage we plastered on smiles and tried to keep good relationships all round. When the marriage ended we supported adults and children as we could. 8 years on the children are kind, competent teenagers and both adults are happily settled, one in a new relationship the other content to live alone.

Your son isn’t a failure, he’s worked hard to hold things together. The feeling is understandable, it was one experienced in our family, all we can do is reassure and wait for it to pass, it will, just takes time.

I’m sorry your family have this distress and pain, we never stop worrying about them for sure.

Both my AC now middle aged are in broken marriages, one divorced about 25 years and the other one separated for about 12.
We did wonder about one marriage but you can’t interfere and it was equal faults on both sides.
The other we thought the partner was ok.
They proved to be a wonderful parent but a poor spouse.
Of course I have wondered long and hard what part we played either in their upbringing or something else.
My H and I had a happy marriage for 60 years.
We can only look at the divorce rate in this country and ask, how did so many parents get it wrong?

Oh gosh thank you for such a measured reply corner. I am feeling we are at the bottom of the pit at the moment it is so good to know things can get better.

I don't really know. We had 2 sons and family over for Sunday lunch yesterday. My older son swears like the longshoreman he is, but it drives me mad and I am always telling him off for it.

While we aren't puritans, and a well placed curse word feels right in some circumstances, having your language littered with swearing is not how he was raised. The other son will sometimes use a curseword, but not as often.

I think you can only do your best with manners, and showing children what a healthy relationship looks like, but when they are older teens and young adults they are influenced by the crowd and social setting they frequent.

No, if you believe you’re a good parent and did what you could in the past for your kids, now they are adults their mistakes are their own.Just as our mistakes are our own. We don’t have to have been perfect parents, who is? But if we have shown them some love and care what else is there?
There is too much soul searching and hair shirt wearing nowadays.

No, I don't think that's necessarily the case. Most of us surely want to raise our children to be their own independent person, with their own mind and to make their own choices in life. We may not always agree with those choices - but you have to let them forge their own path in life and if they make mistakes along the way, let them own those mistakes. All we can do is be there for them if and when they need us.

It truly is a rock and a hard place when you have doubts about your AC's choice of partner.
Do you say something and risk pushing them into their arms more or creating a family rift?
Or do you zip the lip and watch the possible consequences?
Does the way we bring our children up encourage bad choices or is that peer influence? Does a strong dictatorial father figure incline someone to look for a softer personality?
Honestly I think that at the point when many select their mate it is basically pure lust!

Apologies dragonfly. I don’t know how doodle slipped in there. Memo to self. Concentrate! Hope tomorrow feels better.

I echo above posts, if you had interfered it would have made them more determined and both to their credit making new lives. Your daughter happily married, that's a success, your son is unfortunately going through divorce, he will come out wiser and be in a much better place, hopefully, if its what he wants, he will meet a partner he will be happy with.

Sometimes life throws us a curve ball and our greatest strengths become our weaknesses.

It sounds like you raised them to be thoughtful, to see other people’s point of view and make allowances, to try to see the best in everyone and to persevere to make things right.

Well done you! And a couple of children to be proud of.

It’s not your fault or theirs that fate put them in the path of others who took advantage of that humanity. It’s the random misfortune of life.

A better future awaits I’m sure. 😊

Sometimes, but usually not.

No, I truly don't believe so. You do your best for your children, you raise them to become independent adults. It's all you can do, they then make their own choices. I truly believe relationship wise, there's not anything you can do or say. If you do say anything, you run the risk of being cut off. Best just to say nought but be there if they need you.

The vast majority of parents do their best so no dragonfly we are no more responsible for their bad choices than we are for their good ones.

Smileless2012

The vast majority of parents do their best so no dragonfly we are no more responsible for their bad choices than we are for their good ones.

I agree.

God allows us free will, some make wise choices, others do not.

We are not to blame at all. they are adults and make their own decisions.

No they are adults and just like yourselves make their own decisions,

Making bad choices starts long before they become adults, it’s up to parents to make sure that children make the right choices , many parents allow children to make bad choices.
The real problem is that society condones this allowing respect and discipline to reach a very low level for many children.

People make their own choices. I don't think parents should blame themselves if a marriage goes wrong.
Should they blame themselves for putting an adult child off what might have been an excellent marriage. Jane Austen's Persuasion, anyone?
I'm someone who stuck to her guns and married someone "unsuitable". We were happy and prosperous.

Would you have listened to your parents telling you that you were marrying the wrong person? I certainly would not have done. I guess it’s a bit different if you’re asked for an opinion, as long as you word it v e r y carefully!

Thank you for this post. I have been asking myself that question for some time now: my only child, a daughter, has just celebrated 10 years with her husband. I told her once and only once at the beginning of their relationship that he wasn't good enough for her. No effect. So like others, I grin and bear it. They have recently moved to Costa Rica (from Canada) with my 6 year old grand daughter, all due to following his dream. She is working there, he is not, but he is enjoying the good life...Nothing to be done except accept and stay open--and hope for the best: either he changes or she realizes what kind of person he is. Even his mother hasn't understand how my daughter puts up with him...Hard not to think that I may be at the root of what I can only think of as some kind of deep psychological rebellion...

My GP told me he had been to many weddings where everyone thought this will last and it didn’t and to many weddings where everyone thought this will never last and it did! You are in no way to blame- that’s just life nowadays. Better to split up than children living in a toxic environment.

I never blamed my parents for bad choices I made as an adult, tbh if they had tried to stop me I would have done it anyway and probably been more inclined to do it.
Back in the day parents were not blamed as much as they are today, now it seems to be a national sport.
The simple fact is we do our best but at the end of the day we are human beings before we are parents so we make mistakes, we muddle through, and hopefully don’t do too bad a job of it.

"not good enough for her" is a very loaded statement. Perhaps better to say they are not very well matched in terms of a,b,c...and might therefore encounter differences and difficulties within the marriage.

My GS is a year into his relationship with his first serious GF. He is nearly 21.

I cannot pretend I am very taken with her, neither are his parents, though trying to be fair, I haven’t seen much of her.

I just wish he would look around a bit. I think she is very keen and quite possessive.

However, I fully realise as his gran, it really is nothing to do with me.