I feel I have to look out for my son's ex

I hated my mother being friendly with my ex and his family. Particularly his sister who was busybody who loved a bit of gossip. In the end I told my mother it was up to her who she was friends with but she could have them in her life or she could have me.

I'm pretty sure the very last thing she wants or needs this year, is to spend an excruciatingly tense and awkward Christmas day being festive and jolly with her ex and his family.

I'm having a full shoulder replacement next week
Book a meal out - but be quick!
You can't be lifting pans etc.

Find out what your son will be doing and how he feels first.
You could invite her another day over Christmas and she might even be visiting her own family, perhaps.

I do know people who have kept in close touch with their children's ex partners, more often if there are children to consider.
We even went to a wedding once where both mothers were there, plus mother of the ex-husband! The bride explained that just because she disliked her ex-husband, didn't mean she didn't love her ex-mother-in-law. All seemed very amicable.

AmberGran

I would keep in touch. She sounds like she became another daughter. It sounds like it's friendly between her and your son, but I doubt he wants to keep falling over her, especially when he gets a new girlfriend.

Why not invite her before/after Christmas instead of Christmas Day? Or take her out for lunch somewhere and spend a few hours with her.

That's what I would favour personally and what my "coulda-been-mother in law" did (ie when I was still living in same city as her). She did things like take me out for a meal - just the two of us. Invite me round for meals with herself and my coulda-been father-in-law. Her son (my ex) accepts that if it's something very major (ie his fathers recent funeral) that I will be there and that at times he'll walk into his mothers house and see a bunch of flowers I've sent to her (just because she needed it).

I would keep in touch. She sounds like she became another daughter. It sounds like it's friendly between her and your son, but I doubt he wants to keep falling over her, especially when he gets a new girlfriend.

Why not invite her before/after Christmas instead of Christmas Day? Or take her out for lunch somewhere and spend a few hours with her.

Perhaps check with your son to see how he feels? Their relationship is over. He may feel awkward regarding continued contact by his family.

It’s really kind of you, Elless. My ex husbands family were the only family I had and I missed them terribly when we divorced. I also lost most of our mutual friends, too, as they had been my husbands friends. It isn’t something we think of when in a relationship that we assume will last.

You sound lovely and caring 💐.

Please check with your son first before inviting her to Christmas. I understand your feelings, but remember that your relationship with your son comes first. However amicable a break-up appears, both parties are entitled to a bit of space from one another. Best not to create potentially awkward moments; it would defeat the purpose of your kindness.

I'd check with your son first. I had a very close relationship with my now ex DIL which caused a lot of friction with my immediate family who accused me of putting the ex first which wasn't true. Why do some people assume that just when there is a relationship breakdown that it also means that everyone else has to cut all ties. My children went out with some lovely people who I got on well with but as soon as they'd split up. No mobiles or social media in those days to keep in touch easily with them. I really missed those ex's

What are your personal feelings about her - all else being equal?

If she's someone you personally like/resonate with then go ahead. If she's someone you only put up with for the sake of your son = somewhat different circumstances.

Nearly 40 years later and I'm still good friends with what could have been a mother-in-law of mine. For anyone working it out as to how that's possible = he was the boyfriend that was noticeably younger than me and hence she's not old enough to be my mother iyswim (ie and I could understand her being initially wary of me).

Reason why we're still good friends = she's a nice and caring person and we've got various interests in common (trade unionism, healthy food, standing up for ourselves or others if we have to, etc). So we move swiftly past what we havent got in common - onto what we have got in common.

So - yep...check it out whether you feel she's someone you'd be good friends with anyway - quite apart from having your son in common and base your decision on that.

What does your son think?

You sound like a very caring person Elless I'm sure the ex is glad of your support.
Continue to help where you can is my advice but check with your son about the Christmas day invitation.

I think the situation sounds lovely.

I would invite her if you can manage it, and if doesnt cause upset somewhere.

That sound so very kind and caring. Certainly keep in contact and make sure she is ok. If you have family including your Son on Christmas day it could be a bit awkward Try and find out what she is doing and what she would like to do as well as asking your Son for his view.

Check on her by all means, but not on Christmas Day.

Where will your son be?

I would keep checking on her but not invite her for Christmas unless you think she will help you with the cooking etc.