Not Sure

Ask for an assessment by NHS and Social Services for both of them. The hospital should help with this.

AgeUk are a very good source of information and support.

Make sure you don't take too much on your own shoulders.

Has your father had a diagnosis of dementia ruled out?

My mother-in-law has heart failure- ask someone in the hospital to talk to you about it as it doesn't generally suddenly "fail" all at once - is that why she was admitted?

I truly feel for you.
Please make sure you practice saying "no" as self-preservation and to give you time to think things through properly and to get you through this first scary and confusing period.

My heart goes out to you.

You’ve got a lot on your plate.

If finances are available use them to ease your load.

Ask if you can take some unpaid leave.

If you can employ a home help for your dad do it.
If he says no then employ one for yourself to keep your house running.

Use ready meals as much as you want.

Use taxis if the driving is arduous or parking is stressful.

If money is tight I would still ask for some leave.

In short use other people for the things that others can do and save yourself for the things that only you can do, which is to be there for the people in your life.

I learnt this lesson the hard way, trying to be the person who could do it all💐

NotSpaghetti

My mother-in-law has heart failure- ask someone in the hospital to talk to you about it as it doesn't generally suddenly "fail" all at once - is that why she was admitted?

I truly feel for you.
Please make sure you practice saying "no" as self-preservation and to give you time to think things through properly and to get you through this first scary and confusing period.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for your message.
She was admitted with severe breathlessness & heart failure subsequently diagnosed.

kittylester

AgeUk are a very good source of information and support.

Make sure you don't take too much on your own shoulders.

Has your father had a diagnosis of dementia ruled out?

Dad doesn’t have Dementia diagnosis, as he wouldn’t go to his memory clinic appointment, but he does have memory & processing difficulties.

It might sound inappropriate but try to make a list of positives;

You are getting support from DH and DS
Mum is being cared for.
Dad is getting support from you
Work could be seen as a burden or as an asset- have you spoken to colleagues/managers? Would it be possible to take compassionate leave or whatever they call it these days?
You are supporting your parents the best you can. Pat yourself on the back!
You have no siblings but maybe friends can also be there for you? Go to them.
You are looking for help.
So, lots of positives here for you in what is a difficult situation.
You have received some helpful suggestions.
Take some time to breathe- care for yourself so you can then in turn care for your parents and please let us know how you are getting on.
I wish you and your family all the best.

I have carers leave for the rest of this week.
Back to work on Tuesday til Friday, 8.30 til 4.30.
Work is a burden, no chance of anymore carers leave & unpaid leave is not an option.
Maybe I’m overthinking things & just need to deal with each day as it comes.
Dad has agreed for me to phone him every morning at 8am, to see how he is etc.

Sorry to read this- you should be getting support from work but why does this not surprise me?

Taking it a day at a time sounds like a good idea, as does giving your dad a morning ring.

Our parents can sometimes be more capable than we realise.

Many thanks for all your replies & ideas.
Quick update:
Mum has been diagnosed as having an Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm (AAA). Just waiting for the Vascular Team to review & plan.
I spoke to my manager this morning.
I have carers leave until Monday & then I will take sick leave.
At least work is sorted.
Dad called me this morning, Mum has lost her purse somewhere since being in hospital & needs my help.
Wish me luck 🤞

Good news on the work front!

Not so good about your mum.

In the old days patients were only allowed small amounts of change in their lockers- all personal items were checked in on admission and given back on discharge. I don't know if it is the same now.

Keep going Mel-you're doing a great job thanks for the update!

Good luck.

That is all a lot.

Do you say any cousins that can help with something?
Friends?
Church members?

Quite often it is surprising who is willing to help out.
And who isnt. Sadly.

Neighbours?
A casserole for your dad type thing.

No other family & friends, unfortunately, only my Dads Sister who is 88 & very frail.
No neighbours either.
Dad is going to try & talk to Mum later today when he goes back to the hospital, as he is finding visiting her twice a day too much 🤞

PS Purse, money & cards found thank goodness, but wouldn’t have managed with that on his own

Mel1967

NotSpaghetti

My mother-in-law has heart failure- ask someone in the hospital to talk to you about it as it doesn't generally suddenly "fail" all at once - is that why she was admitted?

I truly feel for you.
Please make sure you practice saying "no" as self-preservation and to give you time to think things through properly and to get you through this first scary and confusing period.

My heart goes out to you.

Thank you for your message.
She was admitted with severe breathlessness & heart failure subsequently diagnosed.

My husband (now 79) was admitted to hospital with severe heart failure about seven years ago after breathlessness and coughing. He eventually had a stent inserted, but initially (once they'd got his medication right) he improved dramatically. He's still around and kicking.

Yes, you do need a care plan and ongoing prognosis. My father was 25 years and several operations past his, and MIL was 15 years and 2 stents, so she may well be up and about, or not, so you need to speak to her medical care team.

If dad cannot cope on his own then ask social services for a visitor to go in (perhaps make his lunch?) or could he come and stay with you for a while to ease your tension and travelling?

Can you get their GP to discuss dad's capacity. Many couples do support each other in declining cognition/physical capacity, and taking one out highlights the other's issues.

And it is also true that many older men are simply dependent by habit (e.g he can dress himself but it is she who puts the clean underwear in his drawer, washes and irons his clothes, and buys new when needed, he can make a meal, but it is she who stocks the staples and buys the weekly shop), so perhaps look at ready meal deliveries (for both when she gets out) for a while, and organise a laundry service.

You mention your dad has memory problems, but if he apart from these is capable of understanding the situation, dressing and washing himself etc. sit down and discuss what can and should be done with him. Find out what he wants or vizualises, or indeed if he realises that your mother may not recover enough for life to go back to what it was.

Certainly, ask advice from all and every instance that can or should give you it.

Is your father in his own home or in yours? And what exactly does looking after him entail?

There is a vast difference between doing everything for him, and popping in on the way home from work to hear how he is, and you don't say where on the spectrum you are.

You and your father, perhaps your husband as well, need a frank discussion with your mother and her doctors about her prognosis and the sooner the better.

Otherwise, you may well run yourself into the ground before you all reach a satisfactory arrangement. Please, do not run yourself ragged. I know how bad that can become, believe me.

I know too that it can be hard to open your mouth and ask for help, and unfortunately even harder to find the right person or instance to ask, but you, or you all as a family, are going to have to do so, as soon as possible.

Mell, I don't mean to be nosey, but should you be getting carers allowance because you're looking after him, I'm not sure how many hours a week you have to be caring for someone, but it's worth looking into, and if your dad needs help for certain things he might get attendance allowance, this would help with getting someone in to perhaps make him a meal when you're at work. It must be such a worry for you,

Yep- this is good advice.

pably15

Mell, I don't mean to be nosey, but should you be getting carers allowance because you're looking after him, I'm not sure how many hours a week you have to be caring for someone, but it's worth looking into, and if your dad needs help for certain things he might get attendance allowance, this would help with getting someone in to perhaps make him a meal when you're at work. It must be such a worry for you,

Thanks for your message.
I wouldn’t get carers allowance as I earn too much ( I work 30 hours per week) & I don’t care for him for more than 35 hours per week.
He already gets Attendance Allowance.
I’m working on the extra help bit!!!

Is there a social worker at the hospital? They should be making an assessment of your parents' needs. Also, are they getting all the benefits they're entitled to such as Attendance Allowance?

your mum might need attendance allowance when she comes home..

Do as much as you can of what's required. Gratefully accept any help offered. What else can we usefully say? You've just got to wing it. You'll be OK. Hope Mum improves.