Grandchildren woes

Stillness

If it was me, I’d try to talk to her. Your gd is a little underweight unless she is very small framed. But actually your daughter is entitled to feed them a healthy diet even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else….as long as the children are healthy. Equally, homeschooling, travelling, etc…may not be our way of doing things but it seemingly is hers and unless she neglects them, there’s not much anyone can do. It may be a good move to contact the school but their safeguarding team may also be powerless. I understand how distressing this must be for you. Our adult children sometimes don’t live lives that we feel are right, and it’s even worse when our cherished grandchildren are involved. I hope things improve soon.

You have to be extremely careful feeding a growing child a vegan diet. There were cases in a Devon town of parents following strict vegan diets, their children too, ending in a tragic result for one boy.
Forgetmeknot's DGD is complaining of hunger which means urgent action is needed.

That, coupled with home schooling meaning they are out of the system, rings alarm bells.

Please persist with the school family workers, Forgetmeknot and make sure they are fully aware of the situation.
It is good that your DGD have you to care about them.

Some very judgemental language here, and ringing social services should surely be the last resort, not the starting point here. And I'm not sure that OP has said that the girls are sleeping in a room with their mum and her boyfriend - I think that the female friend is staying in their house. It seems from my reading that BF is in Portugal, not UK.

But some well reasoned thoughts from AuntieE, Stillness, Tenko and Ski66.

It's all talk at the moment isn't it? Does mum have the resources to move the children overseas? What income does she have? And not sure about getting the dad involved either - he was apparently prevented from having contact with his children by a court order. That sounds quite serious and he has another life now.

I do think that being a 'safe place' for your grandchildren and a listening and sympathetic ear is the most important thing just now. And although they might be unhappy, they may feel loyalty to their mum and may become reluctant to confide in you if they think you are critical of her.

There is a BMI calculator for children on the NHS website - your DGD does sound underweight on the numbers you have given, but perhaps she is a small person? Not eating sugar is a good thing, and there is no reason why a child on a vegan diet should be hungry. Plenty of good vegan snacks - nuts, dried fruit, toast and peanut butter, etc etc.

I'm very sorry ,but you need to step in .

Your granddaughter is probably underweight .
It might affect the onset of her periods apart from the long-term psychological effect of being hungry .

It's not healthy to sleep on mattresses on the floor of their mother's bedroom .
And what happens when she has sex with her boyfriend ?

Home schooling can be successful though her daughters need to socialise with other children .

An alternative lifestyle might be acceptable for your daughter , but detrimental to your granddaughters .

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this . And it sounds like you’re doing the right thing contacting the school . And having your dgd at the weekends .
I believe that Portugal requires letters from both parents in order to take children there , even for a holiday .
Plus since Brexit it’s very difficult for a non eu citizen to get work and to stay there indefinitely.
I’d try to talk to your dd about her plans and the GC.

Stillness

If it was me, I’d try to talk to her. Your gd is a little underweight unless she is very small framed. But actually your daughter is entitled to feed them a healthy diet even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else….as long as the children are healthy. Equally, homeschooling, travelling, etc…may not be our way of doing things but it seemingly is hers and unless she neglects them, there’s not much anyone can do. It may be a good move to contact the school but their safeguarding team may also be powerless. I understand how distressing this must be for you. Our adult children sometimes don’t live lives that we feel are right, and it’s even worse when our cherished grandchildren are involved. I hope things improve soon.

This is why I advise against social services- they wouldn't see a problem here.

The school have a duty of care so they may or not respond to a grandparent's concerns either.

Please keep us informed as to how this pans out though.

I too would hesitate to contact social services.

I would insist that my daughter sat down and listened to my concerns.

These being that she is behaving as if she has no children, the one girl is seriously underweight, and unless she has sole legal custody of both children, she may not, and should not uproot them and move to another country, just because she has fallen in love.

Home schooling is never a really good idea and dragging two children away to what sounds like a nomadic existence is even worse.

If she will not discuss things sensibly, then you may have to contact social services, but unless the father of your granddaughters is abusive, alcoholic, or in prison, I think you should get in touch with him first.

I have never liked the idea of boarding schools, but it sound as if a good boarding school would be the lesser of two evils here.

Would you be able to have the girls living with you for a year or so, while their mother finds out if this new relationship is going to work or not?

If it does not, she will be in Queer Street if she has sold her house and moved in with a man, who may not even want the two girls living with them.

And incidently, what is she planning on living on and supporting her children on? Does she speak Portugese, or can she get a job where English is attractive in Portugal?

If she is British, as I assume, she probably cannot qualify for a job seeker's allowance in Portugal, social security etc. and she may have to pay tax on any assets in the UK both in Britain and in Portugal. Has she thought about any of all this, of found out how she will be placed?

Please do read the thread the poster has already taken some action

This sounds like a very tricky situation and you will need to tread carefully.
Should your daughter’s plans fall thro’ then she will need you.
Perhaps you can suggest that she continues making trips to see the boyfriend and you will look after the children for her. That way you can support everyone. It means the friend doesn’t need to stay so that’s one less worry for your granddaughters.
Remember to listen to the granddaughters and don’t ask questions. They will tell you what you need to hear.
If you are on any of the paperwork at school then start the process by chatting to the teacher at home time.

i would contact Social Services before she has chance to leave the country. it sounds like she has stars in her eyes so is not seeing things as they really are. it sounds like she is totally besotted with this new love do not forget many go abroad only to be used and dumped

Please take action before your daughter removes the children from the UK.

Sadly there are a lot of feckless parents around these days. For the sake of the children you should contact social services and take them away from such selfish parents.

If it was me, I’d try to talk to her. Your gd is a little underweight unless she is very small framed. But actually your daughter is entitled to feed them a healthy diet even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else….as long as the children are healthy. Equally, homeschooling, travelling, etc…may not be our way of doing things but it seemingly is hers and unless she neglects them, there’s not much anyone can do. It may be a good move to contact the school but their safeguarding team may also be powerless. I understand how distressing this must be for you. Our adult children sometimes don’t live lives that we feel are right, and it’s even worse when our cherished grandchildren are involved. I hope things improve soon.

This might be naive of me, but do your daughters have to sleep on a mattress in your room because her boyfriend is temporarily occupying their room? Otherwise, why are they sleeping on a mattress on the floor at all?

Ditto You MUST contact Social Services.

Keep posting Forgetmeknot, you are doing the best for your gcs. I have worries about two of my own. The children have to be a priority if parents' parenting is not up to the mark.

Yes, glad you went through the school.

It is sad about their dad too, but with a Gran like you they'll be ok.

Well done.

Absolutely agree that you have done the right thing, Forgetmeknot. School liaison officers will be an excellent resource for your GC and yourself.
I hope that things start to resolve themselves soon.

You've done the right thing Forgetmeknot. Please let us know how things progress .

I have now contacted the school family worker.

GD is 4ft 2”.
I have contacted the Family Worker at the school. I try and help as much as I can, and regularly have them at weekends. The father unfortunately had a court order preventing him from seeing the children and even though he’s now in a settled relationship, he’s never wanted to go through the courts to see them.

I wouldn't contact social services. If the children are in school then this would be my starting point, although some schools won't talk to grandparents.
Also can you contact the father at all?
Contacting social services can be a minefield and may well backfire on you- just speaking from experience.
If you do ring remain anonymous.

This is child abuse.

That is severely underweight.
Do the children go to state schools.
If you have an i put there with fetching them could you gave a word with the safeguarding lead.
Or report directly to social services.
I wouldn't say anything to her at this juncture or she may flee taking the children with her.
They are the absolute priority here.
You need to act. Now.

Good grief, from what you’ve said it sounds like your daughter has forgotten she’s a Mum and it borders on neglect. Both girls are old enough to choose what they eat, they should sleep in proper beds in their own room and have some say about their own futures or at least be properly included in planning.

I hasten to add that of course your daughter needs help too, her behaviour does not seem right to me.

Your daughter is living like a single woman, as your GCs only advocate it is incumbent upon you to alert social services especially with regard to your underweight GC who could possibly be malnourished.
At best your daughter is simply not thinking straight for whatever reason - does she have mental health issues or do you suspect substance abuse which does include alcohol - and at worst it is neglect.
Am so very sorry this is happening to you and your GCs 🌹
Thank goodness they have you.