A friend at all costs ?

I have a friend like this who is well aware what she is doing. She'll always have the most expensive dish on the menu, several expensive drinks and then we split the bill 50/50. I'm not much of a drinker myself. Although she's a long-term friend from my childhood I simply don't see her any more.

It's becoming a problem.

anna7 Exactly the same applies to your situation. Just ask if she would like to have her own bill so she can just order what she wants (and pay her own tip). If she wants garlic bread and a drink she can order it. There are probably few places now where you can't have separate bills. The rest of you can carry on as normal.

It's tricky sometimes. I've been going out for a meal with a group of friends for over 30 years . We are mindful that some have more money than others and we try and pick somewhere relatively cheap and cheerful. We always split the bill and if someone has a more expensive meal or more to drink they would chuck an extra £10 in or pay the tip. It's always worked fine and everyone seemed happy. A few years ago and new lady joined our little group. At first she was happy to go along with our system but lately she has been complaining about the cost and wanting to pay separately. It is a bit of a pain . How do you calculate how much of the shared wine she has drunk and how many pieces of garlic bread or whatever. The rest of us are still happy to split the bill and no one cares if someone had a dessert or an extra glass of wine. We think it all evens out in the end . Our 'new' friends financial status has not changed although I appreciate, everything is more expensive these days, especially eating out. It's becoming a problem.

Ladyleftfieldlover

I continue to be amazed that people won’t/can’t speak out.

Me, too. Just ask for seperate bills, if she queries it explain.

I thought splitting the bill had long gone out of fashion and people always paid for their own meal only.

Being the eldest, yorkshire and probably a bit of a control freak, I tend to dot the i's and cross the t's before any event. So for example I offered to take 3 women who no longer drive to Saltburn, but setting out my offer, which was that we should share the cost of fuel, but once there do our own thing and meet up at a convenient time to return. One person started to say Oh we could do such and such, which I immediately jumped on and said No that was not what I am offering. I am suggesting you have a day of freedom to do your own thing. She was a bit huffy but it has been a great success and have done it a couple of times, and we all understand the way it goes and they actually like having their own space now. So there are a couple of things in your situation that you might suggest.

1. use the new year as an easy way to present it as a new years resolution, where you can have a coffee with her and tell her now with the cost of living and being retired etc etc you need to curb your spending and so perhaps you may not manage to meet up so much, and that if you do it would need to be for a coffee rather than lunch sort of thing. Then go on to the cost of fuel and that you cant afford taxis etc and be ready to suggest a cafe that is on a bus route for you, where you could say that you will be fine with that as you have your bus pass etc. If she is any sort of friend at the least she will be apologetic for being so thoughtless , and she should be thanking you for all you have done so far and arrange to pick you up instead!!
2. The next time you meet again stick to a cafe on a bus route sort of thing, tell her you are thinking of not going to something you normally do so play bridge or golf or whatever, because it is now becoming too expensive for you to continue, and that can easily lead onto talking about other friends with similar ideas and how you all now meet up in the park for a walk or go swimming and have coffee together afterwards, as it is too expensive to carry on as you used to.

3; You might suggest if the distances are not too far that you could instead go to each others houses for lunch. That way you have more time to chat and catch up and again dont try at all to compete with each other about the food, but go for something simple like a jacket potato with some casserole that would be easy to prepare in advance and would be no problem if you were delayed.

I think all of these suggestions still show that you value the friendship enough to keep in touch , but on your terms. If she is a friend , she should be mortified that she has not realized what she is doing and has been very selfish and thoughtless to say the least. Doesnt say much for the other women in the group that have also been thoughtless to say the least. I think she should be making it up to you and that in the new year you can have a meeting on a more even keel.

If on the other hand she drops you, tries to excuse her behaviour, or backs away from the lunch idea without offering something else that shows more care then you will have your answer and she will be no great loss to you. At least that will have shown you a slightly different way to look at the way you are treated , and perhaps my upfront way of things is not very "british" the usual dont talk about money etc., but I have found that being straightforward and putting your cards on the table has been very beneficial. Friends have told me that when they are used to the idea it has been worth doing in other circumstances. You know those times when someone suggests something that you dont particularly want to do , but you agree , thinking they really want to and later you find that neither of you really enjoyed it but did it to suit the other person. At our age life is too short to waste it doing things that you dont want to do and being where you dont want to be. The pleasures of friendship are enjoying each others company and knowing someone for so long that you can tell them what matters, and be sure of an honest answer.

If you feel this is too direct you could simply tell her next time you meet up of a friend of yours who you think is being taken advantage of and ask her if you think you should tell your friend or keep quiet, but that you dont like to butt in, but that it is not a fair situation. However she does seem the sort of person who does not take hints even when given in heavy boots,!! We are all here for you and so you do not have to take any of our advice but it does quite help to read other peoples ideas and then that can percolate through your mind and you will actually come to the conclusion, possibly without even seeing her as to whether it is worth keeping in touch. Sometimes changes in situations can mean that friendships simply peter out, whatever happens between you two, you will have something to look back on , if you find yourself becoming in a similar situation, and be ready to stamp on any advantage taking. I wish you a clear decision, and that you will feel calm and satisfied by what ever you decide to do.

The other very very simple way I have used is to just think if she asked you to meet up on a particular day, and another friend did the same, which one would you choose to go to meet? You may actually already know what way you want to go and writing it down to us helps clarify it for you.

Whatever you decide will be right for you and then write it down somewhere and put that away, so that if you start to doubt yourself go back and look at your decision and the reasons for it to remind you of your reasoning and choice.

It’s difficult though, when this is how you’ve been doing it for years.

As your DH says, I think you must have a word about splitting bills, be upfront, say now you’re retired, money is tighter.

As for the driving, perhaps your car might not be so ‘available’, perhaps having its MOT or similar.

But if that means a taxi, more expense I suppose, even if shared,

You are being taken advantage of, including the driving. However you are allowing it to happen, so you must speak up.

Restaurants where I live routinely give separate bills for diners. It's the norm whether there 2 or 20 customers. So if I were you I would ask for a separate bill. No explanation necessary surely.

Your ' friend ' knows exactly what she is doing and she is doing it because you're allowing it to happen! She thinks you are a soft touch. I have no doubt you are a lovely kind lady - she is taking advantage of that and is quite sure you will not rebel- time to prove her wrong! Look at it this way, would you behave like that? I suspect not. so why should
she!? I know it won't be easy for you but you must suggest that you ask for
separate bills. She will accept that because she knows she is being unfair. If she doesn't accept that then so be it - drop her and find someone worthy of your friendship. Good luck.

We are not frugal friends. We just won’t have so called friends taking the piss.

These days just opting to pay for your own bill is easy.

Also, get taxis.

You have to bring it up, resentment can kill a friendship and you seem to be happy enough in the friendship.

Separate bills. This is what I do with friends when we go out.

Separate bills, if she doesn’t agree, not much of a friend and i think driving people and not having a drink the least they should have done was pay for your meal, that was selfish. No excuse they did not think, of course they would have. Its one if the first things you think of on a night out, transport.

😁

FGT 😅🤣

Actually Grammaretto I never thought of it that way - someone maybe having to ‘hold back’ from what they’d really like to order. Good point!

Separate bills would work well.

“I’ll have a G&T please
Then the rib eye steak with side veggies (individual prices these days)
No pudding but an extra glass of that delicious Pinot Noir.
Thank you that’s perfect.

Oh - you’re having the Mac n cheese are you with a cola?
Nice. Enjoy.”

Sorted! Freedom,
And friendship preserved. 😁

I have a group of friends in the next town to me and if they’re having a meal in their town I normally drive . Often we will ask for the food and drinks bill to be separate, which is fair on the nondrinkers .
I’d have a chat with her and say now you’re retired , you need to be careful with money and suggest separate bills. She may be unaware of this or is being a bit cheeky .
As for driving , one of my friendship groups has a day out 2 a year , shopping and lunch and the driver gets lunch paid by the others . So in the OPs case the other women should have paid for lunch or given money for petrol .

I’m half in this position and have tended to let it go as it also includes another friend. I go out to lunch with two friends about every 6 weeks. We usually choose a meal very similarly priced , sometimes exactly the same if we all like it. However me and one friend have a soft drink and a coffee each and the other friend has two glasses of red wine, usually large. We always split the bill equally three ways after adding a tip . She probably gains every time but we’ve never pointed this out

If you're feeling resentful and a little envious of your friend, and it's making you unhappy, I would we very straight about it. Say you like her company but can no longer afford your shared outings.

Or, just say at the start, please can we each pay for our own. We do that now with various groups I go out with. including gransnet meetups
It's awkward for her if you think about it. She maybe feels constrained by her teetotal, frugal friend!

Be open and honest with her…….explain how you feel……if she is genuinely invested in your friendship then she will see your point of view and pay for herself rather than splitting the bill.

As for always driving….theres only you that can change that…..either get DH to drop you off, get a taxi or catch the bus and let her make her own way.

Oh I don’t know.

If you were going out every week or month, then maybe I’d want to ‘chat’.

But if it’s an occasional thing (say 3 or 4 times a year) I’d not haggle over the extra fiver for a steak or the tenner for wine.

Friendships count more.
Or not.

I would have expected the people you drove for nights our to offer petrol money at least, preferably have paid for your meal one night.
Yes, you need that chat.

I continue to be amazed that people won’t/can’t speak out.

SuzyQqq

I’ve noticed that a friend ( ex work colleague) that I still see now I’m retired may be taking advantage of me a little. Not sure what to do . My husband says sit down and talk about it with her, but we are not that close that I feel comfortable doing that . The main instances are when we eat out and she has a much more expensive meal plus wine compared to my none alcoholic more moderate meal, then expects to go halves . It’s always been this way and when I was working I sucked it up and paid, but now don’t have as much cash to splash . She still works and earns about £80,000 pa. I usually also drive as I don’t drink . Recently I was invited to her birthday weekend with other friends of hers but ended up doing the driving on our night out as everyone else was drinking and taxis were not easy in the cottage we were staying in . Am I just being used? Is she really a friend ?

You're letting her use you .

Its very simple. As you order your own food and drink, tally the total in your head. Then when the bill for £53 arrives you say " "Here's £13 for my soup, sandwich and tea" and put it on the table in cash.

Or, as the waiter takes your order, you just say to them "And we'd like separate bills please".

If she mentions going halves/ splitting the bill just shake your head and say "No thanks, this suits me better. "