A friend at all costs ?

Yes she’s your friend, just a bit thoughtless and possibly selfish.

Just say “let’s split the FOOD bill 50% 50% and pay for our own drinks”

I agree with Cossy.

Well you'll get an idea if you say to her "Look friend - I do enjoy going out for meals - but now I'm retired and money is shorter. So we'll have to go dutch and each pay for our own when we go out for meals". Your husband is right - you do need to bring this up and see what her reaction is.

You may be lucky and she goes "Oh - so sorry...I should have thought of that. I'm sorry. I'd like for us to keep going out for meals - and, of course, we'll go dutch". On the other hand - she may not.

Certainly we hear about it a lot re people expecting to split bills equally - when they've obviously had more expensive food - so she's far from the only one. I think I must have got lucky with friends over the years - as we've always gone dutch and I think we just assumed that's how it would be. To me - part of the reason why this happens is that, if I myself want the dearest item on the menu = I can have it in good conscience (ie because I'm paying for mine fully).

If I'm paying totally - then I say so in advance. If they're paying totally - then I expect them to say so in advance.

She could be either thoughtless on the one hand or a "greedy grabber" (as I call them) on the other hand. You won't know if you don't bring the subject up.

Many years ago, I had a similar ‘thing’ with my friend. She only eats fillet steak and I was aware that others weren’t happy splitting the bill - when they’d eaten far more economically. I ‘tactfully’ suggested that she put an extra £5 down, before splitting the bill with the others.

I think she genuinely didn’t realise others weren’t happy.

I like ‘cossy’s* suggestion, but I think I’d actually ask for separate bills.

Next time, say you want separate bills before you order. If she is a friend she wont mind and if she's funny about it, well then you'll know.

I think you might have inherited an ex friend of mine. 😂
I ended the friendship over a fiver. That was the straw that broke the camels back 🤬

SuzyQqq

I’ve noticed that a friend ( ex work colleague) that I still see now I’m retired may be taking advantage of me a little. Not sure what to do . My husband says sit down and talk about it with her, but we are not that close that I feel comfortable doing that . The main instances are when we eat out and she has a much more expensive meal plus wine compared to my none alcoholic more moderate meal, then expects to go halves . It’s always been this way and when I was working I sucked it up and paid, but now don’t have as much cash to splash . She still works and earns about £80,000 pa. I usually also drive as I don’t drink . Recently I was invited to her birthday weekend with other friends of hers but ended up doing the driving on our night out as everyone else was drinking and taxis were not easy in the cottage we were staying in . Am I just being used? Is she really a friend ?

You're letting her use you .

Its very simple. As you order your own food and drink, tally the total in your head. Then when the bill for £53 arrives you say " "Here's £13 for my soup, sandwich and tea" and put it on the table in cash.

Or, as the waiter takes your order, you just say to them "And we'd like separate bills please".

If she mentions going halves/ splitting the bill just shake your head and say "No thanks, this suits me better. "

I continue to be amazed that people won’t/can’t speak out.

I would have expected the people you drove for nights our to offer petrol money at least, preferably have paid for your meal one night.
Yes, you need that chat.

Oh I don’t know.

If you were going out every week or month, then maybe I’d want to ‘chat’.

But if it’s an occasional thing (say 3 or 4 times a year) I’d not haggle over the extra fiver for a steak or the tenner for wine.

Friendships count more.
Or not.

Be open and honest with her…….explain how you feel……if she is genuinely invested in your friendship then she will see your point of view and pay for herself rather than splitting the bill.

As for always driving….theres only you that can change that…..either get DH to drop you off, get a taxi or catch the bus and let her make her own way.

If you're feeling resentful and a little envious of your friend, and it's making you unhappy, I would we very straight about it. Say you like her company but can no longer afford your shared outings.

Or, just say at the start, please can we each pay for our own. We do that now with various groups I go out with. including gransnet meetups
It's awkward for her if you think about it. She maybe feels constrained by her teetotal, frugal friend!

I’m half in this position and have tended to let it go as it also includes another friend. I go out to lunch with two friends about every 6 weeks. We usually choose a meal very similarly priced , sometimes exactly the same if we all like it. However me and one friend have a soft drink and a coffee each and the other friend has two glasses of red wine, usually large. We always split the bill equally three ways after adding a tip . She probably gains every time but we’ve never pointed this out

I have a group of friends in the next town to me and if they’re having a meal in their town I normally drive . Often we will ask for the food and drinks bill to be separate, which is fair on the nondrinkers .
I’d have a chat with her and say now you’re retired , you need to be careful with money and suggest separate bills. She may be unaware of this or is being a bit cheeky .
As for driving , one of my friendship groups has a day out 2 a year , shopping and lunch and the driver gets lunch paid by the others . So in the OPs case the other women should have paid for lunch or given money for petrol .

Actually Grammaretto I never thought of it that way - someone maybe having to ‘hold back’ from what they’d really like to order. Good point!

Separate bills would work well.

“I’ll have a G&T please
Then the rib eye steak with side veggies (individual prices these days)
No pudding but an extra glass of that delicious Pinot Noir.
Thank you that’s perfect.

Oh - you’re having the Mac n cheese are you with a cola?
Nice. Enjoy.”

Sorted! Freedom,
And friendship preserved. 😁

FGT 😅🤣

😁

Separate bills, if she doesn’t agree, not much of a friend and i think driving people and not having a drink the least they should have done was pay for your meal, that was selfish. No excuse they did not think, of course they would have. Its one if the first things you think of on a night out, transport.

Separate bills. This is what I do with friends when we go out.

You have to bring it up, resentment can kill a friendship and you seem to be happy enough in the friendship.

These days just opting to pay for your own bill is easy.

Also, get taxis.

We are not frugal friends. We just won’t have so called friends taking the piss.

Your ' friend ' knows exactly what she is doing and she is doing it because you're allowing it to happen! She thinks you are a soft touch. I have no doubt you are a lovely kind lady - she is taking advantage of that and is quite sure you will not rebel- time to prove her wrong! Look at it this way, would you behave like that? I suspect not. so why should
she!? I know it won't be easy for you but you must suggest that you ask for
separate bills. She will accept that because she knows she is being unfair. If she doesn't accept that then so be it - drop her and find someone worthy of your friendship. Good luck.

Restaurants where I live routinely give separate bills for diners. It's the norm whether there 2 or 20 customers. So if I were you I would ask for a separate bill. No explanation necessary surely.