A friend at all costs ?

Sorry,I think if she's earning 80k a year she should be offering to pay your meal! Is there a big discrepency on the bill and how often do you meet? If it's just 1/2 a year I would just suck it up! If not you have to bring it up. As for driving everyone not on or they should buy your drinks abd meal as you are saving them a fortune! If they are not I would'nt go. I know it may be cutting of your nose to spite your face but it's that or putting up with being used....there is no in between really. Good luck

Nowadays its very easy to get a separate bill just ask the staff they will be fine with it we do it all the time when we go out with the 'girls' . If she then pulls a face you know shes using you and so nothing is lost .

I always pay for my own food and drink when I go out with any friend/friends, saves any bad feelings and I'm free to choose pricey or not without causing offence. Also have been known to refuse to drive by having the odd drink when I'm fed up being a taxi!

Before you order say that you'd like separate bills.
Then see if she orders expensive stuff
knowing that she has to pay for it herself

Perhaps give your friend the benefit of the doubt and, as SuzyQ says, put it down to thoughtlessness - at least so far as halving bills is concerned - though I do think the expectation that you will always be willing to drive suggests a lack of consideration.

I suppose you could say to your friend that you enjoy going out for a meal but now you are retired you have to be a bit more careful how much you spend. So you hope she will understand that you would prefer to have a separate bill.

Personally, I would feel too embarrassed to say this and would decline any suggestions of going for a meal. Maybe she would then wonder why and ask you. It's a shame to lose a good friendship but it does seem that you are being taken advantage of.

I think the bottom line here is none of us like to feel we are being taken advantage of, and when the one taking advantage is a long-standing friend, that somehow makes it worse.

I don’t drinks and don’t have extravagant tastes with food but if I did, fillet steak say with glasses of wine, there’s no way I would expect my friend if she had a more modest meal to chip in for my indulgence.

Separate bills are the answer.

I was fed with one of my old friends expecting me to pay the bill or a major share of it .
She has a shop and a huge house which she rents out and is very comfortably off .
She's a taker not a giver and not just with bills .
Her meaness presents itself in many ways including getting people to help out with her last business venture and not rewarding them .
When you get to the restaurant stipulate separate bills and ask her for petrol money

And see if she stays around .

win

I think it is harder with longstanding friends who suddenly change than new friends, where you can just say things straight out the beginning My very longstanding friend 50 years plus on and off during the years as is normal and I see each other every week and go out for lunch regularly. Lately she lets me pay and say she will get some cash as she never carries any but then forgets. I remind her again and again but she never pays her debts. I even wrote it down for her as I wondered if there is early memory issues setting in, she paid me another debt in cash but never for the last 3 lunches. She is however very generous when she comes here on other weekly occasions, always bring a couple of nice cakes or a box of chocolate, but she does eat half herself. So they aren't actually a gift for me. If we don't finish them I would never take one when I am here on my own. That is the expectation. It is always me who orders when we go out and in the sort of establishments we visit you usually have to go to the counter to order and at times to pay. So I do not find it so easy to sort that out with separate bills, as she is rather unstable on her legs. She is definitely not short of money, in fact she is loaded so it is not that she cannot afford to pay up. She buys new really good clothes weekly and presents immaculately. Any ideas?

Wouldnt the restaurant have one of those card machines they can just bring over? If where I'm going is more than just a cafe then I rather expect that they'll wave a card machine at me when it's time to pay. Card machines these days don't have to be all wired-up and so these days I just wait for them to come over with one of them in their hands to my table. Just tell them at the time you're both ordering that it will be separate bills at the end and, when you've both finished eating, wait for that card machine to be brought over to your table. No need for her to get up on her legs and walk to the counter.

If they don't have a card machine - they've had the hint they need to get one in (ie after you've asked for it in a casual "Of course you have one" tone of voice). If they say they havent yet then, at that point, you can then also ask for separate bills.

Presumably the counter is there and you both have had to walk past it to get in and will have to walk past it to get out again?

11 of us are going out for a meal tomorrow. Different friends from previous post. We have always had separate bills it’s never been a problem. I am being given a lift so will make sure I buy that friend what she wants to drink (3 of us being driven it’s up to them what they do) .

One of the friends offered to put me up for the night , I’ve accepted and will be taking her fizz and chocolates to say thank you .You do not take advantage of good friends .

I think it is harder with longstanding friends who suddenly change than new friends, where you can just say things straight out the beginning My very longstanding friend 50 years plus on and off during the years as is normal and I see each other every week and go out for lunch regularly. Lately she lets me pay and say she will get some cash as she never carries any but then forgets. I remind her again and again but she never pays her debts. I even wrote it down for her as I wondered if there is early memory issues setting in, she paid me another debt in cash but never for the last 3 lunches. She is however very generous when she comes here on other weekly occasions, always bring a couple of nice cakes or a box of chocolate, but she does eat half herself. So they aren't actually a gift for me. If we don't finish them I would never take one when I am here on my own. That is the expectation. It is always me who orders when we go out and in the sort of establishments we visit you usually have to go to the counter to order and at times to pay. So I do not find it so easy to sort that out with separate bills, as she is rather unstable on her legs. She is definitely not short of money, in fact she is loaded so it is not that she cannot afford to pay up. She buys new really good clothes weekly and presents immaculately. Any ideas?

EmilyHarburn

Most resturants and pubs even if you order together you can go to the desk andpay your elements of the bill and the other person pays theirs. If your friend really dosnt understand decide to go to the toilet at the end of the meal and ask her to lok after your things. Pay your bit of the bill, come back to the table and then on the way out she can pay hers. Not the best way of getting this sorted but maymake the point.

There was a recent spell where a group of us would go out after an activity for lunch out pretty often. I don't know if it was because the co-ordinator of this is pretty well-known to be a cadger and he loves living off other people if he can manage it - but we'd all do that and go up to till individually after our meals and tell them "I've had this/that/the other" and pay for what we had had personally.

I rather think Mr Cadger learnt in the end that he wasnt going to eat at our expense unless someone had specifically offered to pay his meal. Yep....we all got rather wise to him.

If you enjoy her company and she is a friend of many years perhaps you can use some practical moves to re-establish your boundaries. You could just pay in cash as I used to do with a friend who was similar to yours or just choose something just as pricey. Or, the lovely English: Would you mind awfully if we paid our own bills on this occasion? Not much she could say to that. At my local WI group we have to all pay our bills separately down to the tip and drink.

Most resturants and pubs even if you order together you can go to the desk andpay your elements of the bill and the other person pays theirs. If your friend really dosnt understand decide to go to the toilet at the end of the meal and ask her to lok after your things. Pay your bit of the bill, come back to the table and then on the way out she can pay hers. Not the best way of getting this sorted but maymake the point.

I think it really depends on how good a friend she is. If she is someone you value in other ways it's worth just making the effort to talk about it and maybe get separate bills so you can both do your own thing. If she really is a friend she won't mind.

It's perfectly possible that she is so used to doing whatever she wants at other times that she just doesn't give it a thought. Maybe she doesn't even know anything about your financial situation and assumes you would speak up if you had an issue. As someone who had more spare cash than most of my friends for the last 20 years of my working life I speak from experience.

Separate bills all the way.. waiting staff are well used to this nowadays and the tills are set up to accomodate the arrangement.
Make it clear this is the way forward... you only have to do it once to set expectations..

Most eating places should be able to split your bills as they really are and charge accordingly. Try that next time because it all sounds very unfair.

If it’s a regular thing then I’d say let’s each pay our own, if it’s about twice a year I’d leave it for now. I think once it starts to get in your head, you become very focused on it, and then before, during and after the meal your stressed and not fully enjoying or engaging in sharing the company and conversation. So if it’s got to that point, then definitely say something and then you can both relax and just enjoy each others company, I’m sure it will make a difference to your chats and time spent together. You only need to drum up the courage to say it the first time. I did it, and never looked back

Hi everyone and thanks for all the well thought out and helpful replies . Reading them has made me realise it’s not actually about the money - like someone said the odd 10/15 pounds is less important than a good friend . It’s more about the principle involved, and that someone would think it’s ok to keep doing that. Maybe this is more about me too . I’ve never really liked confrontation and am pretty easy going . But in my retirement I’ve met other new friends who seem more thoughtful and it’s making me reassess what sort of people I want to spend time with .

I'm another who will ask for separate bills. I rarely drink because usually I'm driving, and I've never been one to eat at the expensive end of the menu

You can get an app which allows you to work out what is what with food bills. I don’t drink alcohol and usually the only sugar free drinks are caffeinated so end up drinking water. My friends noticed that I was paying far more than I should so insisted that we either split the food equally and paid separately for our drinks or we just paid for what we had. The one friend(?) who complained she hated penny pinching was the most well off. I value my hard earned money and hate wasting it.

I have a similar but different problem. I occasionally meet a friend for lunch. I usually have a glass of wine but she doesn't. I don't drive but she does. However she always helps herself to my wine and eats the food from my plate. When it comes to payment she refuses to leave a tip (but I do). Even when a tip is included she queries it. I now no longer meet her. Problem solved.

I go about approx 3 times a week with two other friends, we all agree that we are "close" coffe and bun mostly, meal at least once a week.. we always pay for our own meals,, and mostly our coffees and buns, occasionally one or the other of us will pay for the coffee and buns for all.. . mostly we agree we pay our own bills... no problem... define what a friend is to you? could be simply thoughtlessness, yes! so you need to be honest with her and say,..

My mother used to say about people with money. Who didn't pay their fair wack.

Well, that's how they get their money

Be being a cheapskate.

If she does earn 80k and is a good friend.Maybe she could treat you to meal every now and then.

Personally, l don't think she is.

She is not your friend! Separate bills or no more outings!

We’ve been out a few times with another couple, we order what we want, ours usually cost more, but they say split the bill… we’ve started to feel guilty and we’ve (hubby and I) said the next time we go out, we’ll ask for separate bills…then I won’t feel guilty having a double G&T… Hubby does do the driving though.