Hosting Christmas When in 80s (and in poor health)

Up to her really. Some people moan about doing something but really like doing it.

Sago

It’s non of your business.

Plus the fact that some people just like being a martyr.

It’s non of your business.

I dont think you are going to change her. If she complains to you, advise cutting down the presents and buying in the mince pies etc. And cutting short the visit.

I fear as a PP said when she really can't do it, the daughter will probably be off on a cruise or similar without a second thought.

So sad. But we must not let ourselves become martyrs. Or worse as someone said a long while back a competitive martyr.

Yes Skydancer, sounds very like my friend!

Not spaghetti, I never see her daughter as she doesn't live in the area.
In fact the ONLY time the daughter and partner visit is Christmas!
My friend and her husband visit them about every 6 weeks (and take food with them!)

You can’t change anyone. That’s one thing I’ve learned in my long life. I’ve a friend who is a complete mug when it comes to her children and, at nearly 80, still carries on doing the same things she did at 50. She is often exhausted and stressed but doesn’t listen to any advice.

The significance of giving up what you have always done for some is a not wanting to admit to themselves that they are growing too old to do what they have done before.

It inevitably means admitting to mortality and aging, passing the baton on, letting go...^some find that very hard^

We always used to go to Mums for Christmas and she was getting on. The "Crux' year was actually when her oldest friend has just died. She was all over the place. I sort of took over, and the next year I suggested we go to my sisters, who has a big house. I planned the whole thing, ie who could do what so no one had all the responsibility especially Sis.

She was cross and grumpy at times and tried to be a bit controlling and even managed to manipulate a row, mostly it was fine, but by the following year was really happy with things.

Do you ever see her daughter?
If so I'd say (confidentiality) when your friend is out of earshot, that you are worried about your friend but don't want her to be upset.
Ask the daughter if next year she might be able to (say) bring the mince pies/ crackers/ prepared vegetables/ Christmas pudding etc to take the pressure off a bit?
You can say you know your friend wouldn't want you to be saying anything about it because she SO loves to treat her daughter and finds it hard to accept she's struggling a bit now.

A word in the daughter's ear might work wonders...

Sometimes we DO like to "spoil" our visitors (and especially family visitors) but it is really nice when they also step up a bit.

Good luck.

In answer to your question, she is undoubtedly a mug, but feels she is being a good mother.

You won't alter her. She has done it for the past 50 years and her daughter and partner have no compunction about letting her, probably saying, mother loves doing it, and it wouldn't be the same if we did it.
I think your friend is finding it increasingly hard, but until she accepts she can't do it , nothing will happen.
And when it does, her daughter and partner will probably go on a cruise leaving her behind.
All you can do is listen and keep suggesting gently that she asks for help. But I doubt she will.
Sad.

Your friend seems to have more energy than I have and I am a couple of years younger. I just couldn’t do it.
I was divorced about 20 years ago.
For the first couple of years, after divorce, I carried on doing Xmas lunch for everyone. And then, my sons got married, daughter married and divorced , and then she decided to have Christmas at her place with her children and me. The boys go to their in-laws’ .
At some point during the Season, I take them all out for a meal No, I just couldn’t cook for them all..

If she enjoys it, that's different. If not, your friend needs to have 'that' conversation.

A bit of both probably. If she starts complaining to you about it, ask her what she has said to her daughter about it. Some people like being martyrs and won't change.