Hosting Christmas When in 80s (and in poor health)

A bit of both probably. If she starts complaining to you about it, ask her what she has said to her daughter about it. Some people like being martyrs and won't change.

If she enjoys it, that's different. If not, your friend needs to have 'that' conversation.

Your friend seems to have more energy than I have and I am a couple of years younger. I just couldn’t do it.
I was divorced about 20 years ago.
For the first couple of years, after divorce, I carried on doing Xmas lunch for everyone. And then, my sons got married, daughter married and divorced , and then she decided to have Christmas at her place with her children and me. The boys go to their in-laws’ .
At some point during the Season, I take them all out for a meal No, I just couldn’t cook for them all..

In answer to your question, she is undoubtedly a mug, but feels she is being a good mother.

You won't alter her. She has done it for the past 50 years and her daughter and partner have no compunction about letting her, probably saying, mother loves doing it, and it wouldn't be the same if we did it.
I think your friend is finding it increasingly hard, but until she accepts she can't do it , nothing will happen.
And when it does, her daughter and partner will probably go on a cruise leaving her behind.
All you can do is listen and keep suggesting gently that she asks for help. But I doubt she will.
Sad.

Do you ever see her daughter?
If so I'd say (confidentiality) when your friend is out of earshot, that you are worried about your friend but don't want her to be upset.
Ask the daughter if next year she might be able to (say) bring the mince pies/ crackers/ prepared vegetables/ Christmas pudding etc to take the pressure off a bit?
You can say you know your friend wouldn't want you to be saying anything about it because she SO loves to treat her daughter and finds it hard to accept she's struggling a bit now.

A word in the daughter's ear might work wonders...

Sometimes we DO like to "spoil" our visitors (and especially family visitors) but it is really nice when they also step up a bit.

Good luck.

The significance of giving up what you have always done for some is a not wanting to admit to themselves that they are growing too old to do what they have done before.

It inevitably means admitting to mortality and aging, passing the baton on, letting go...^some find that very hard^

We always used to go to Mums for Christmas and she was getting on. The "Crux' year was actually when her oldest friend has just died. She was all over the place. I sort of took over, and the next year I suggested we go to my sisters, who has a big house. I planned the whole thing, ie who could do what so no one had all the responsibility especially Sis.

She was cross and grumpy at times and tried to be a bit controlling and even managed to manipulate a row, mostly it was fine, but by the following year was really happy with things.

You can’t change anyone. That’s one thing I’ve learned in my long life. I’ve a friend who is a complete mug when it comes to her children and, at nearly 80, still carries on doing the same things she did at 50. She is often exhausted and stressed but doesn’t listen to any advice.

Yes Skydancer, sounds very like my friend!

Not spaghetti, I never see her daughter as she doesn't live in the area.
In fact the ONLY time the daughter and partner visit is Christmas!
My friend and her husband visit them about every 6 weeks (and take food with them!)

I dont think you are going to change her. If she complains to you, advise cutting down the presents and buying in the mince pies etc. And cutting short the visit.

I fear as a PP said when she really can't do it, the daughter will probably be off on a cruise or similar without a second thought.

So sad. But we must not let ourselves become martyrs. Or worse as someone said a long while back a competitive martyr.

It’s non of your business.

Sago

It’s non of your business.

Plus the fact that some people just like being a martyr.

Up to her really. Some people moan about doing something but really like doing it.

My 90 yr old mother insists on hosting a Christmas tea every year -I help her with the shopping etc. What I have learnt over the years is that she loves to do it and thinks that all her guests have a wonderful time. No matter what I say or do it will stop her and I no longer try. How she has avoided a heart attack or stoke from the pressure she puts on herself I will never know.

We went to mum’s every year for Christmas Day for years - she and my step father came to us at New Year. One year - she was in early 60s - she simply told me she was handing it all over to me! So that’s what happened.

I'll not pass the baton until I'm ready, perhaps she's not ready to quit?

Sago - you're right its not my business, but I get the same complaints every year, have for as long as I remember and this year she's really struggling; - and yes I think the category martyr fits the bill .
Ladyleftfield lover, I know a few people who say they either offered to take over Christmas or were asked by their family.
My friend will continue as long as she lives and nothing I say will make any difference, but it would be lovely if she could just for once have a relaxing time and be looked after.
Just wanted some opinions.
Thank you

Why do some women confuse marty with mother ?
You’re not being a better mother for insisting on pampering or babying. I suspect she feels the absence of grandchildren to fuss over!
But it is nonsense if women complain about the burdens of hosting while insisting on crocheting their own mince pies or hand rearing, killing and plucking the damn turkey themselves.
The word “needy” springs to mind.

You say the daughter and her husband stay for five days.

Surely during that time they would pull their weight with meal preparation, plus clearing up afterwards.

Then they should take your friend out at some point for a lovely meal as a way of saying thank you.

RosieandherMaw

Why do some women confuse marty with mother ?
You’re not being a better mother for insisting on pampering or babying. I suspect she feels the absence of grandchildren to fuss over!
But it is nonsense if women complain about the burdens of hosting while insisting on crocheting their own mince pies or hand rearing, killing and plucking the damn turkey themselves.
The word “needy” springs to mind.

Just for you RosieandherMaw

As long as she does it, they will take it for granted that she enjoys doing it all, Youngerthanspringtime

Rosieandhermaw - thanks you may have hit the nail on the head. It could be the lack of grandchildren that affects her mindset, She is a lovely thoughtful person and has about a dozen greatnephews and nieces who all get a small cash gift birthdays and Christmas. I've made loads of suggestions to her about buying mince pies christmas cake and the like but she says its not the same (can't remember the last time I made a mince pie - domestic goddess I am not)
Thanks for all opinions , but as you mostly agree nothing will change until the unmentionable happens. I hope there are a good few years yet!
Thanks for all replies

Yes on one level she probably loves it and on balance, it might be better for her to continue until she drops! I’d let her.

If you enjoy her friendship and it is enduring why not just entertain it as a quirk at Christmas? At her age her Christmas entertaining has an upper limit and she won't be doing it for much longer. The daughter will be forced to take over or react accordingly. I have often found that people are not really interested in my advice and just want an ear to ease their frustrations. Why not just be that ear unless of course it goes on all year when it would be different to put up with it?

If she were my friend my patience would be so exhausted by now, that the next time she complained I would say: Don't complain to me, my advice is still the same as I have always given you, and that you always reject. So find someone else to complain to.

Mug I think is wrong word.Her daughter &partner are very selfish and unthoughtful! Her and her husband need to say something to their daughter... There is nothing you can do it has to come from her. I have a single friend that runs about after her whole extended family. I have also saud to her but it falls on deaf ears! Your friend like mine just continues to enable them tokeep doing what they do and I also think it fulfils a need in them to feel useful. I suggest if she keeps complaining to you you have to say you don't want tohear it as she does nothing about it or just listen and say nothing