Hosting Christmas When in 80s (and in poor health)

No there is no answer. You have done your best. The relations won't change which is sad to see and hear about.

Enjoy your Christmas OP.

Sad to say that Christmas seems to be the only advent in your friends year.

Several points I'm responding to - this year I when she started her usual complaints about the Christmas prep. I told her I love her to bits but have no sympathy that she is continuing to do it after the rotten few months she's just had.
No the daughter and partner do not do any dishes, (she doesn't have dishwasher) don't bring any goodies and don't help with the prep - and have NEVER taken her out for a meal ever. So this will go on until the unthinkable happens.
No she is not aware that I have posted on here. I just get weary of listening to it and it often continues through the year but that's another story!
She knows my feelings about it all but nothing will change,
Nobody's life is perfect I know but when there are things you CAN do about it but won't, well there's no answer

does your 'friend' know you are 'talking' about her situation on here?..........

Just out of interest, who does the washing up at your friend's house on these occasions?

I always did Boxing Day tea and went all out to make it special. Then along came COVID and I was forced to let it go. I am now so glad I did. My eldest daughter now hosts it with her daughters their partners and her grandson (my great grandson) My husband and I will be attending for a leisurely and enjoyable evening the only thing I have been asked to do is my Sherry Trifle. Your friend is probably shortening her life with all this stress

I'm 75 and do not particularly look forward to Christmas because it can be exhausting cooking for lots of people and assembling everything at the end, avoiding food getting cold. At the age of 80 I would be hoping to pass the baton on to my son - and he can, and does, cook for us quite often on a Sunday but it is a much simpler affair.

Your friend has only herself to blame if she insists on making such a production of it - home made everything and all the trimmings. You have gently suggested that she might make things easier for herself by cutting some corners, but she says it is "expected" of her. So really she has only herself to blame. Her daughter and partner are being thoughtless but perhaps they think she enjoys the whole build up. Unless she tells them otherwise, things are unlikely to change. Unless you think your being more forthright on the issue will cause a rift, perhaps you should say there is no point complaining if she isn't willing to suggest they do it from now on, or at least make some adjustments so that it isn't so tiring.

Pearl30 said what I was thinking. Perhaps your friend is one of those people who thinks no one can do it like her. Perhaps the daughter and her partner would really like to be able to do something else for Christmas? But come out of kindness because they know that she likes to put on a show? I think you need just to make sympathetic noises and try to change the subject!
I do like doing Christmas baking, but I’m sure there will be a point where I can’t be bothered to do it anymore. And then I’ll be buying my Christmas cake from Betty’s in York……

I believe there are some people, in their late age, actually enjoy entertaining.
My cousin is now no longer able to drive but continuous to have her son and family for Christmas. One can always offer to make the pies or whatever.

Some people enjoy complaining and being martyrish! They don't want solutions, they just want you to know how hard they are working. Just let her complaints roll over you. She'll pass on the baton when she is ready.

It could be that the daughter does offer to lighten the load, to bring food or to take your friend out for Christmas lunch or even to invite your friend to hers. We don’t know so it’s kinder not to judge the daughter badly, isn’t it?
Your friend may like being a ‘martyr’ (not my thoughts) in this, but maybe she just wants her family at home with her and her Christmas preparations gets her that. It is quite a driving force. Just be the good friend you are and continue to give her your ear.

Being a martyr to a selfish daughter who staying along with partner for 5 days and being catered for by someone in their 80s, just not on. Tge daughter needs to waken up and take some responsibility eg at the very least help out with catering and all the chores needed over Festive Season or offer to have her Mum at her house where Mum can help out to keep her involved but not the main provider. A word in 'daughter's ear is definitely due.

Youngerthanspringtime Her daughter is being very selfish! Your friend should say that she can't do it this year (too late now though if she has done lots of preparations) because she has been feeling unwell for some time. Make something up. Rundown, too tired, not sleeping well, whatever.

Mug I think is wrong word.Her daughter &partner are very selfish and unthoughtful! Her and her husband need to say something to their daughter... There is nothing you can do it has to come from her. I have a single friend that runs about after her whole extended family. I have also saud to her but it falls on deaf ears! Your friend like mine just continues to enable them tokeep doing what they do and I also think it fulfils a need in them to feel useful. I suggest if she keeps complaining to you you have to say you don't want tohear it as she does nothing about it or just listen and say nothing

If she were my friend my patience would be so exhausted by now, that the next time she complained I would say: Don't complain to me, my advice is still the same as I have always given you, and that you always reject. So find someone else to complain to.

If you enjoy her friendship and it is enduring why not just entertain it as a quirk at Christmas? At her age her Christmas entertaining has an upper limit and she won't be doing it for much longer. The daughter will be forced to take over or react accordingly. I have often found that people are not really interested in my advice and just want an ear to ease their frustrations. Why not just be that ear unless of course it goes on all year when it would be different to put up with it?

Yes on one level she probably loves it and on balance, it might be better for her to continue until she drops! I’d let her.

Rosieandhermaw - thanks you may have hit the nail on the head. It could be the lack of grandchildren that affects her mindset, She is a lovely thoughtful person and has about a dozen greatnephews and nieces who all get a small cash gift birthdays and Christmas. I've made loads of suggestions to her about buying mince pies christmas cake and the like but she says its not the same (can't remember the last time I made a mince pie - domestic goddess I am not)
Thanks for all opinions , but as you mostly agree nothing will change until the unmentionable happens. I hope there are a good few years yet!
Thanks for all replies

RosieandherMaw

Why do some women confuse marty with mother ?
You’re not being a better mother for insisting on pampering or babying. I suspect she feels the absence of grandchildren to fuss over!
But it is nonsense if women complain about the burdens of hosting while insisting on crocheting their own mince pies or hand rearing, killing and plucking the damn turkey themselves.
The word “needy” springs to mind.

Just for you RosieandherMaw

As long as she does it, they will take it for granted that she enjoys doing it all, Youngerthanspringtime

You say the daughter and her husband stay for five days.

Surely during that time they would pull their weight with meal preparation, plus clearing up afterwards.

Then they should take your friend out at some point for a lovely meal as a way of saying thank you.

Why do some women confuse marty with mother ?
You’re not being a better mother for insisting on pampering or babying. I suspect she feels the absence of grandchildren to fuss over!
But it is nonsense if women complain about the burdens of hosting while insisting on crocheting their own mince pies or hand rearing, killing and plucking the damn turkey themselves.
The word “needy” springs to mind.

Sago - you're right its not my business, but I get the same complaints every year, have for as long as I remember and this year she's really struggling; - and yes I think the category martyr fits the bill .
Ladyleftfield lover, I know a few people who say they either offered to take over Christmas or were asked by their family.
My friend will continue as long as she lives and nothing I say will make any difference, but it would be lovely if she could just for once have a relaxing time and be looked after.
Just wanted some opinions.
Thank you

I'll not pass the baton until I'm ready, perhaps she's not ready to quit?

We went to mum’s every year for Christmas Day for years - she and my step father came to us at New Year. One year - she was in early 60s - she simply told me she was handing it all over to me! So that’s what happened.

My 90 yr old mother insists on hosting a Christmas tea every year -I help her with the shopping etc. What I have learnt over the years is that she loves to do it and thinks that all her guests have a wonderful time. No matter what I say or do it will stop her and I no longer try. How she has avoided a heart attack or stoke from the pressure she puts on herself I will never know.