Grandaughter does not want to visit me to her Grandfather .

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Her mother and I sat her down and explained that we didn't like her to quarrel with us

...I'm sure she doesn't like you quarrelling with her either.

Another possibility is that it may be more to do with the attitude of one parent, and not specifically to do with neurodiversity in your grand daughter.

Our granddaughter stopped wanting to visit us with her parents in our house when her mother was very rude and negative about us to our grand daughter and our son, ie her father. This negativity can be very confusing for children.

I’ve noticed that if we go to their house, and her mother is out of the room or has gone shopping for example, that our grand daughter is her normal lovely self but when her mother comes back in the room, she’s very reticent again.

This parental attitude can be very confusing for children, and very damaging to some, especially if parents are verbally ghastly to each other.

We just carry on as usual, we keep giving birthday and Christmas gifts, and are hoping that this phase (mainly from her mother!) will blow over.

So sorry this is happening, but with kindness and also with realising that this happens to many grandparents, you will get through it.

🌷🌷🌷

Nicolenet

Ignore her, no treats or presents, no hugs or smiles. She isn't worth bothering. Happy New Year x

I don't believe that this will achieve anything at all.

We have a similar problem with a 10 year old, she quarrels with us all the time which is very wearing and now she has told her mother that she doesn't want to see us because we don't like her. She simply isn't able to let an idea go once it is in her head, however ridiculous.
Her mother and I sat her down and explained that we didn't like her to quarrel with us but that we did love her and she seems better now.

BlueBelle

Two people on this thread have made unforgivable posts that’s nicolette ….what is wrong with you lady?
And Arthuraskey another horrible remark !!!
But certainly not numerous posters User
The vast majority of answers have been honest and helpful
and I ll add mine don’t expect too much just act as normal don’t push or pull just accept don’t bribe be yourself hopefully it’s a phase triggered maybe by something you don’t know of
I d send maybe a weekly text so she knows you’re still there but something quite neutral
Good luck, and hopefully it will settle back

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Bluebelle a few horrible posts but mainly people trying to be helpful. My ADHD grandson hasn’t hugged me since he was a tiny boy, till this Christmas. Hang in there OP, she’s only 10 and may well change her mind. In the meantime

How did it come to light that your GD doesn’t want to visit? Did she tell you or did your mother tell you?

DH would say they start to enter a tunnel at about that age, communicating in grunts if at all, and emerge at about 17 or 18 as pleasant, fairly normal human beings.
It just needs patience.

Two people on this thread have made unforgivable posts that’s nicolette ….what is wrong with you lady?
And Arthuraskey another horrible remark !!!
But certainly not numerous posters User
The vast majority of answers have been honest and helpful
and I ll add mine don’t expect too much just act as normal don’t push or pull just accept don’t bribe be yourself hopefully it’s a phase triggered maybe by something you don’t know of
I d send maybe a weekly text so she knows you’re still there but something quite neutral
Good luck, and hopefully it will settle back

ArthurAskey

Why waste time and energy on someone who has no time for you?

Why waste time and energy posting something so unpleasant?

Arthur Askey was a comedian but that is just not funny.

Grandmotherto8

Buy her presents as usual but let it be known that you'll keep them at your house until she feels able to collect them. Maybe send a photo of the wrapped gift(s) to tantalise!

Not good advice.

That is blackmailing.

icanhandthemback

MickyD

Has anyone asked her why? I’d definitely NOT take the advice about blackmailing with gifts at your house. If you have a gift for her send it to her with love. If something has happened at your house that has scared her (hopefully not) then that would be cruel to force her to go to yours - where she doesn’t want to be - to receive a gift.
ADHD can be very complex and her thought processes could be difficult to grasp - for both you and her. She may well have experienced something that might have affected her completely differently to how you would naturally think.
I think it’s best to let her lead (with her parent’s support) and see where it goes.
Hopefully she’ll be back with you in no time.

I agree. Quite frankly, if anyone was trying to manipulate me with gifts or turned my back on me when I was struggling with ND, they wouldn't be people I would want in my life.
It is probably a stage she is going through and it is up to her parents to try to see her through any anxiety she may have, if they can.

I agree too, and with the other insightful, sensible posts.

Ignore Nicolenet's post, Susieque66.
Not worth your time reading it.

Nothing you can do, except send her cards and gifts as though nothing has happened. She will get older and hopefully return your love.
My parents were older 3 of my grandparents were dead before my birth the other was old in her 90s she died when i was 7 she terrified me, i dont remember much about her. In later years I was sad to miss out, my much older siblings didnt but thats life. Wish she had given me things

You can't force the issue .
I wouldn't bribe her with presents .
Ask her parents what's wrong .
Back off if needs be.

Just behave normally so that she knows you will still be here for her when she changes her mind. Sometimes children act up with the people they feel most secure with!

Also, it may be something else connected to the visiting 'process' as other people have said especially as she is neurodivergent. Could it be sensory e.g. too much noise, odd smells, having to kiss people etc?

Just accept her choice of not visiting. Whilst 10 years of age she may well be a bit more mature in her thinking and a lot of kids just can't be bothered with visiting at all. If you want to continue with presents eh birthday, special treats why not just give them to her mother who can pass them on to her. What you may regard as an important occasion can be a non-event to granddaughter.

MickyD

Has anyone asked her why? I’d definitely NOT take the advice about blackmailing with gifts at your house. If you have a gift for her send it to her with love. If something has happened at your house that has scared her (hopefully not) then that would be cruel to force her to go to yours - where she doesn’t want to be - to receive a gift.
ADHD can be very complex and her thought processes could be difficult to grasp - for both you and her. She may well have experienced something that might have affected her completely differently to how you would naturally think.
I think it’s best to let her lead (with her parent’s support) and see where it goes.
Hopefully she’ll be back with you in no time.

I agree. Quite frankly, if anyone was trying to manipulate me with gifts or turned my back on me when I was struggling with ND, they wouldn't be people I would want in my life.
It is probably a stage she is going through and it is up to her parents to try to see her through any anxiety she may have, if they can.

Gransnetters! Shame on all those who want to treat this child so brutally! Here's a child who is neurodivergent, and at the age where she has puberty around the corner.

NDs often spend much of their time trying to 'make up' for what they believe society at large thinks of as their deficiencies - this is called 'masking' and it's highly taxing both physically and emotionally. This granddaughter may have reached the point where she can't or doesn't want to mask any longer and is just being herself. She may also be feeling the effects of changing hormonal activity and not really know who she is or want to socialise. And of course, the grandparents' behaviour may be overwhelming for her. To Suzieque66 I would suggest rolling with it, if she doesn't want to come, let it be - if she has a mobile phone send her a re-assuring text message every so often saying you're thinking about her, and if she hasn't got a mobile send a message to her via your daughter who I assume is the 'mother' who brings her. Don't penalise her. If she reaches 18 and still doesn't want to be in your company, that's a different issue.

Can you visit her at her home?
My ND child struggles with visits to grandparents house but can cope at our house as they can keep things more on their terms (ie. withdraw if things are too much).
Alternatively an activity based meet up might work too? Could be just a walk or similar.

Withdrawing love is abusive and cruel. Nicolenet, who is the grown up here ?
No 10 year old deserves that , certainly not a child with ADHD! I know this condition is made light of but it is complex condition , and if people had a deeper understanding then life would be easier for those who have a diagnosis. Leave the child be , putting pressure on will not help. Just Bide your time and show her any way you can that your love is unconditional.

How negative.
Why would you do that Nicolenet?

I would talk to her mum and arange to visit her whole family - as someone said above.

Has anyone asked her why? I’d definitely NOT take the advice about blackmailing with gifts at your house. If you have a gift for her send it to her with love. If something has happened at your house that has scared her (hopefully not) then that would be cruel to force her to go to yours - where she doesn’t want to be - to receive a gift.
ADHD can be very complex and her thought processes could be difficult to grasp - for both you and her. She may well have experienced something that might have affected her completely differently to how you would naturally think.
I think it’s best to let her lead (with her parent’s support) and see where it goes.
Hopefully she’ll be back with you in no time.

Maybe I shouldn't be shocked that multiple people would suggest withdrawing love from a 10 year old but here I am.

She's literally a child. Do people not understand the a 10 year old does not have a fully developed brain? Plus she is ND so has challenges most of you will never understand.

Trying to manipulate her by withdrawing love or not "wasting time" could do literal damage to her. It's abusive. Is that what a 10 year old deserves for not wanting to see someone? (Hint: the answer is no)

To the OP, respect her choice and give her time. She will likely come back if her relationship with you was loving and positive before. Try not to take a literal child expressing their desires so personally. It may not even be about you.

Yes, it will pass. Keep up with your normal happy communication. Ask how she is. Don't do an 'I'm sad cos you won't visit' emotional blackmail thing.
You weren't planning that anyway .
Could try the photos of the gifts ploy.
Has that worked for anyone here?
Good luck.

Why waste time and energy on someone who has no time for you?

It will pass.
My 2 boys both had a phase of counting the minutes until we could go home from their grandparents. It was just a phase, as they had things they wanted to do that were far more interesting to them as they grew up. They never said that they didn’t want to visit, but it was very obvious!
As teenagers they independently started to visit them when they could drive, continue to do so, doing lots of odd jobs for them now they are getting frail.