Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Grandaughter does not want to visit me to her Grandfather .

(67 Posts)
Suzieque66 Tue 30-Dec-25 19:31:22

Hi .. Any advice on a granddaughter not wanting to visit us ? Our granddaughter used to be so loving and fun , she has ADHD but now ( she is 10 ) she refuses to see us .. what can we do ?

M0nica Tue 30-Dec-25 19:45:20

I am afraid that there is nothing you can do, other than sit tight, do nothing to aggravate the situation until she comess out of this phase.

Shelflife Tue 30-Dec-25 22:26:44

Sound advice Monica. Suzie, I understand how distressing this must be for you, but there is nothing you can do other than watch and wait. Keep a sound relationship with her parent/s and don't let your GD know how upset you are. She has ADHD,this may well have complicated the situation but try not to think this is the reason.
Hopefully your GD will begin to want you back soon. In the meantime time sit tight .

Grandmabatty Tue 30-Dec-25 22:39:10

What have her parents said about this? Can they give any reason?

welbeck Tue 30-Dec-25 22:45:33

Does the title mean she does not wish to visit you and grandfather?
What is the scenario.
10 is quite young to be visiting on her own ?
Doesn't she usually come with her parents?
Or has this changed recently?
What about if you visit her house?
Any preference between you and GF ?

Suzieque66 Wed 31-Dec-25 11:38:37

She comes with her Mum, not on her own.

flappergirl Wed 31-Dec-25 12:21:09

More context is needed. Has anything changed in your household. Have either of you become ill for example or did she get told off on the last visit? You need to give more background information before anyone can offer advice.

Harris27 Wed 31-Dec-25 12:24:15

It’s ok I’ve got four who never visit. It’s just part of them growing up but in my case just rude.

Nicolenet Wed 31-Dec-25 13:47:41

Ignore her, no treats or presents, no hugs or smiles. She isn't worth bothering. Happy New Year x

Stillness Wed 31-Dec-25 13:50:36

I need to ask why…as I’m sure you do. It might be more to do with her home situation than anything to do with you. And just a thought….could you visit her?

Katekeeprunning Wed 31-Dec-25 13:56:16

Nicolenet

Ignore her, no treats or presents, no hugs or smiles. She isn't worth bothering. Happy New Year x

Harsh words

Grandmotherto8 Wed 31-Dec-25 14:20:54

Buy her presents as usual but let it be known that you'll keep them at your house until she feels able to collect them. Maybe send a photo of the wrapped gift(s) to tantalise!

Jojo1950 Wed 31-Dec-25 14:24:09

Gosh that’s very HARSH!

nexus63 Wed 31-Dec-25 14:28:16

my son who is now 40 never liked his gran (my mum) even as a baby, he has only recently started to help her with certain things because i can't, i asked him and his reply was i don't know, there is just something about her, he never stayed overnight the same as the other grandchildren, but would be more than happy to stay with my sister. he is an only child and never had a problem being away from me.

Amandajs66 Wed 31-Dec-25 14:59:22

Suzieque66,
I have the same with my Granddaughter, she's 15 and had decided to be a Grandson now but doesn't talk to many people anymore. I can't remember the last time she came to visit and actually spoke to me.
All I do is send her a text most weeks telling her what I've been up to, asking about her week etc... and always add that I love her and am always here for her.
I do refer to her as a boy when I text and use her chosen male name.
I hope you get to see your Granddaughter soon, she's probably to young to have a mobile phone but does she speak to you on the phone? x

Flippin2 Wed 31-Dec-25 15:00:14

Nicolenet
She's 10!..

petra Wed 31-Dec-25 15:09:43

Nicolenet

Ignore her, no treats or presents, no hugs or smiles. She isn't worth bothering. Happy New Year x

Someone’s been sucking the lemons 😡

NotAGran55 Wed 31-Dec-25 15:12:08

It will pass.
My 2 boys both had a phase of counting the minutes until we could go home from their grandparents. It was just a phase, as they had things they wanted to do that were far more interesting to them as they grew up. They never said that they didn’t want to visit, but it was very obvious!
As teenagers they independently started to visit them when they could drive, continue to do so, doing lots of odd jobs for them now they are getting frail.

ArthurAskey Wed 31-Dec-25 15:21:46

Why waste time and energy on someone who has no time for you?

Maremia Wed 31-Dec-25 15:22:32

Yes, it will pass. Keep up with your normal happy communication. Ask how she is. Don't do an 'I'm sad cos you won't visit' emotional blackmail thing.
You weren't planning that anyway .
Could try the photos of the gifts ploy.
Has that worked for anyone here?
Good luck.

User138562 Wed 31-Dec-25 15:33:06

Maybe I shouldn't be shocked that multiple people would suggest withdrawing love from a 10 year old but here I am.

She's literally a child. Do people not understand the a 10 year old does not have a fully developed brain? Plus she is ND so has challenges most of you will never understand.

Trying to manipulate her by withdrawing love or not "wasting time" could do literal damage to her. It's abusive. Is that what a 10 year old deserves for not wanting to see someone? (Hint: the answer is no)

To the OP, respect her choice and give her time. She will likely come back if her relationship with you was loving and positive before. Try not to take a literal child expressing their desires so personally. It may not even be about you.

MickyD Wed 31-Dec-25 16:04:33

Has anyone asked her why? I’d definitely NOT take the advice about blackmailing with gifts at your house. If you have a gift for her send it to her with love. If something has happened at your house that has scared her (hopefully not) then that would be cruel to force her to go to yours - where she doesn’t want to be - to receive a gift.
ADHD can be very complex and her thought processes could be difficult to grasp - for both you and her. She may well have experienced something that might have affected her completely differently to how you would naturally think.
I think it’s best to let her lead (with her parent’s support) and see where it goes.
Hopefully she’ll be back with you in no time.

NotSpaghetti Wed 31-Dec-25 16:13:46

How negative.
Why would you do that Nicolenet?

I would talk to her mum and arange to visit her whole family - as someone said above.

Shelflife Wed 31-Dec-25 16:15:18

Withdrawing love is abusive and cruel. Nicolenet, who is the grown up here ?
No 10 year old deserves that , certainly not a child with ADHD! I know this condition is made light of but it is complex condition , and if people had a deeper understanding then life would be easier for those who have a diagnosis. Leave the child be , putting pressure on will not help. Just Bide your time and show her any way you can that your love is unconditional.

Cgto2 Wed 31-Dec-25 16:22:40

Can you visit her at her home?
My ND child struggles with visits to grandparents house but can cope at our house as they can keep things more on their terms (ie. withdraw if things are too much).
Alternatively an activity based meet up might work too? Could be just a walk or similar.