Daughters Separation Anxiety

The title is hilarious - the daughter does not seem to have separation anxiety

We may have a case of two overinvolved grandmothers who think they know best

Please dont worry. I feel sure your daughter will relax in time. She has had a great deal to cope with, all the anxiety about whether she would ever be a mother, a traumatic delivery and her son needs surgery in the future. Of course you are not trying to separate a new mum from her child !- you are a loving mum trying your best to protect and assist your daughter in any way you can. I feel sure that had she conceived with ease, had a more straight forward delivery and a child who did not have a cleft soft palette you would be a different story . Your daughter moved very near to you before her child was born- that's a sign she is close to you - hang on to that thought! There are some harsh and unkind posts on this thread , unnecessary and certainly not helpful.
Don't allow your feelings to get the better of you - all will be well in time! and that time is needed to allow your daughter to adjust to what has happened. If your offers of help are rejected that must hurt but she knows you love her so perhaps taking a few steps back will mean you no longer walk on egg shells! You have time ahead to enjoy a sound relationship with your grandson- it will happen. I imagine your daughter feels very fragile just now
and I know the last thing you want is to jeopardise your relationship with her. So for now try dancing to her tune , watch and wait. Before you know it your daughter and son in law will be looking for a baby sitter so they can have time to themselves! Be patient and good luck . 🌸🌸

Smileless2012

No, not because she doesn't like to be told she might be wrong
Basgetti but because of the unpleasant responses she's received, which have been commented on by me and others here. OK.

Unpleasant responses?

Ultimately, what mum says goes.

CrochetGiGi

I have to say that as a new Grandparent and as I said in my original post new to Gransnet, who is feeling confused and merely sharing my thoughts and asking for advice, I am surprised by the hostility of the replies so far, this is doesn't feel supportive, or advice.

I don't think the first few posts are hostile, they are straightforward although may not be what you wanted to hear.

I hope you can see your DGS regularly but best not to try to push help on your DD when she obviously doesn't want it.

I can't remember anyone feeding my babies and there was certainly not a village around to help except for the first couple of weeks. I managed!

LOUISA1523

CrochetGiGi

I think I get the message loud and clear.
I can't do anything

I think some pps have been a bit harsh
But tbf the latest NHS advice is to limit bottle feeders to parents/primary care givers ...so your DD had probably been told this
Hope you get to see more of him as he gets bigger

I think CrochetGiGi's daughter is expressing and feeding the baby from a bottle because babies with a cleft palate find sucking more difficult and extra care needs to be taken.

I'm not surprised the new Mum is feeling anxious and protective under the circumstances, wanting to feed the baby herself and not leave him, even with either of the Grandmothers.

After trying for a baby for a long time and after three IVF attempts, my daughter gave birth to a much wanted and loved little girl. She just wanted to do everything for her and was very protective but I understood that, the child was and still is at eighteen, very precious to her and her husband. Perhaps if she'd had an easier time conceiving it would have been different. Just be pleased that she has her baby, and let her get on with what she's dreamt of. It's not about you but about her.

Disagreement can be given in a sympathetic way Lathyrus and there is nothing helpful about unpleasantness.

SueDonim

I think you and the MIL need to back off. I was like a mother tiger with my babies and never wanted to hand them over. With a baby with extra needs I can see why your dd is being vigilant, and quite honestly, trying to separate mother and baby is unkind. As the baby grows and develops, separation will come naturally. These small baby days don’t last forever.

This was me!
All 5 of them.
I never needed a break in spite of being very tired.

What I did love was when people who loved me made me dinner and just dropped it round.

That's what I'd do!
Congratulations to you all.

I was the same as your daughter when my twins were born 30.years ago. After having 2 ectopic pregnancies and undergoing ivf treatment. I wouldn't let anyone look after or feed my babies. I wouldn't worry too much atm, she may feel more relaxed about things

CrochetGiGi

I think I get the message loud and clear.
I can't do anything

I think some pps have been a bit harsh
But tbf the latest NHS advice is to limit bottle feeders to parents/primary care givers ...so your DD had probably been told this
Hope you get to see more of him as he gets bigger

Let your daughter parent as she wants, she must be so thrilled , a baby which she didn't think she would ever have. She must be extra protective of him. There will be many times ahead you will share with your gorgeous grandson, just let her decide. It is her baby to raise as she sees fit.

OP could be treading dangerous ground if she allows sympathetic responses to encourage her to ignore what her daughter is telling her.

Unasked invasive 'help' can be burdensome to new mums.

Waiting silently, whilst sending tangible help may be a way forward.

She may have found some responses unpleasant, but they were intended to be helpful, because putting pressure on her daughter at a vulnerable time - however it is intended to help- is something that can only end badly.

Agreement and sympathy, whilst it make the OP feel better about the way she is acting, is just reinforcing the behaviour that her daughter has said is not acceptable.

The OP must listen to what her daughter is saying to her - that she does not want help either with the baby or apparently other chores.

So many cases of estrangement happen after the birth of a baby. I feel the OP could be treading dangerous ground if she allows sympathetic responses to encourage her to ignore what her daughter is telling her.

No, not because she doesn't like to be told she might be wrong
Basgetti but because of the unpleasant responses she's received, which have been commented on by me and others here. OK.

CrochetGiGi

I would like to thank all who responded, helpfully and with patience to my enquiry.
Fallingstar, justwokeup , smileless2012 & silverlinings48, particularly!
But this has made me realise why I have avoided SM. I will not be returning.

Because you don’t like to be told that you might be wrong?
OK ……..

CrochetGiGi

I have to say that as a new Grandparent and as I said in my original post new to Gransnet, who is feeling confused and merely sharing my thoughts and asking for advice, I am surprised by the hostility of the replies so far, this is doesn't feel supportive, or advice.

No hostility, just experience.
I wouldn’t have had anyone looking after my babies before a year old because I was feeding them.
As a granny, I comply absolutely with what mum and dad want.

Summerlove

CrochetGiGi

I have to say that as a new Grandparent and as I said in my original post new to Gransnet, who is feeling confused and merely sharing my thoughts and asking for advice, I am surprised by the hostility of the replies so far, this is doesn't feel supportive, or advice.

Just because you’re not hearing what you want, doesn’t mean what is being said isn’t supportive. You were given advice, you didn’t like it
It it possible you aren’t hearing what your daughter is saying either?

She has a medically complex child, of course she’s protective. She’s likely grieving that she cannot breast feed, so of course she’s unwilling to hand over the baby for feedings- especially when feeding him improperly could be very damaging!

Visiting every two weeks is very normal. She shouldn’t change what works for them just because your expectations aren’t being met.

I’m sorry you’re not getting what you want, but try to enjoy the time you do see them. A village only works if all the villagers know their roles

Indeed.

I needed no help, wanted no help, and would have been annoyed if anyone pushed in. Every two week visits is plenty.

Wait, your daughter will appreciate silent waiting.

Perhaps 1. send food 2. pay a cleaner 3. pay gardner (supportive help)

Crochet so sorry your experience when asking for advice just became a lot of negativity and assumptions about you. Fortunately a few gave good heppful advice. Mine would be similar to fallingstar

Congratulations CrochetGigi I do understand how you feel, you are trying to help and you are worried about your daughter.

Like others have said, give it time, and offer to do shopping, or whatever help your daughter does want.

I think some of the replies, in my opinion, have been wrong, harshly written, and not helpful, as for saying you want to take your grandchild of your daughter words fail me, you were offering to help out of concern for your daughter.

I hope you do return, but if not I hope things improve quickly and you have many happy years with your Grandson.

It's exciting to have your first grandchild but even more exciting for your DD and SIL when she thought she might never have a child.

As the baby has a cleft palate, which will make feeding difficult, your DD is understandably even more anxious than most new mothers are with their first child (and that is usually very anxious!). She is probably worried in case he chokes and has been taught how to feed him by specialist nurses.

It would be best if you and the other Grandmother stopped offering to help and just said "We're here if you need us".

A operation to repair cleft palate is usually done when the child is a baby so there will be plenty of time to enjoy him (and perhaps even feed him) after he has recovered.

I can't say I blame you CrochetGiGi and am sorry that your one and only experience of GN has been at the very least, disappointing.

I'm sure things will improve and you'll have many years making wonderful memories with your GS.

It can only be from those around her, casting doubts in her mind ...... it can be Lathyrus, but if it is that doesn't mean it's just coming from the OP.

Other mums could be expressing their surprise, or she may know that other mum's with babies the same age are happily allowing GP's to baby sit so they can have some time to them selves and/or with their husband/partner.

I would like to thank all who responded, helpfully and with patience to my enquiry.
Fallingstar, justwokeup , smileless2012 & silverlinings48, particularly!
But this has made me realise why I have avoided SM. I will not be returning.

*crochet GiGi. I can see where you are coming from. It is very hard to sit back when your DD is so exhausted.

After my first child was born after a long and difficult labour, I was totally exhausted for about a month and I can remember my lovely MiL visiting and seeing how tired was. At about 8.00pm, she told me firmly to go upstairs and have a hot bath and go to bed. She told me that if DS woke in the night she would give him a bottle (I was breast feeding) and then she came upstairs and tucked me in and gave me a goodnight kiss as if I was the child, not the mother. I was so grateful to her. I had my first unbroken nights sleep and it set me up for weeks.

I can see from this thread, that my reaction was clearly not 'normal', but I understand where you are coming from.

Instead of helping her with the baby, perhaps you could do other things to help her, a bit of cleaning, putting the washing through the washing machine, a bit of cleaning or gardening. Some thing that will take the load of other things off her back.

If you expected to be childless for reasons beyond your control and then find you are pregnant and then to give birth to a healthy child must be such a profound psychological shock, I can understand your daughter's behaviour.

What you need to do is take live easy, relax and be unworried and protect the cocoon your daughter has wrapped around herself and her little miracle, just quietly make sure thta the rest of her world that she is currently neglecting, ticks a long without problem.

Crochet welcome and congrats on becoming a Nan that you never expected to happen I agree with all the others we understand your excitement but you ll have calm it down a bit
The other posters’ answers are right, offer to do other things, make a meal, do the shopping, do some cleaning. Sit and keep her company if she wants or give them space if she doesn’t

You ve got 20 odd years to enjoy this great little boy and I m sure in the future you will be asked to help, but just let them do it their way for now and be around if needed Don’t be impatient and forget this village thing