This will be sort of long, so bear with me:
I don't have this issue with my own parents, as they are happy to just visit with all of us, collectively, whenever we can, and are happy to babysit when my husband and I need a date night every now and then. They don't pressure us for more.
However, my husband's mother (who we visit together every week or every other week, depending) also wants to take our daughter alone on a regular basis, in addition to this. She asks us almost every week.
Our daughter is two now, but whenever she was still a baby (from 4 mo. onward) we let my MIL take her whenever she asked. Typically it ended up being 2x a week. I did have concerns about this as my daughter would cry every time and it made me feel uneasy, but, I never said anything. My MIL would say she just spent too much time with me (I'm a SAHM). In addition, my MIL smokes and my daughter always returns from her smelling of cigarettes. She always made a point of saying she was careful around her and didn't smoke around her though, so I really had no idea how to bring it up without offending her.
Now I am feeling like maybe I've been overlooking issues that I shouldn't have, but don't want to be unreasonable at the same time. I think it has started to feel like too much pressure all of the time and has put a lot of stress on our family and our marriage. But my MIL cries and claims we are keeping the grandbaby away from her if we tell her no. This makes us feel very guilty for telling her no, but it also makes me less inclined to let her take my daughter alone much at all anymore, as it all feels very manipulative and controlling. She used to take pleasure if my daughter wouldn't want to go to me after she brought her back home.
I think I feel very resentful of all of this, and my husband is usually inclined to still want to always give into her demands. It's been very confusing to me and difficult to separate emotions from what is right. So some outside perspectives would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
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