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A parent without parents seeking advice please

(32 Posts)
BJC88 Wed 04-Aug-21 20:20:14

I’m a mother without a mother or father to turn to for advice and wondered whether anyone here might be kind enough to help me . . .
My question is quite specific:
Are there any mothers of 3 (2 boys and 1 girl or 3boys only) who raised your children without any support, not even a family member to consult over the phone who could tell me whether they think having 3 children in this situation is a good idea or whether I’m better to stick with the two lovely boys I have?
I’m a stay at home mother and can afford to be for as long as need be, my husband is very hands on and supportive but does work long hours so it is mostly only the weekends that he is here, and the children would all be two years apart.
I suppose what I’m asking is do you feel everyone’s quality of life would have been better if you’d had stuck with 2 or did 3 just enrich it?
I want to do right by the children I already have if you get what I mean?
Thank you so much in advance and I’m terribly sorry if this is not the place for such a question.

crazyH Wed 04-Aug-21 20:43:18

In my case, I only planned for two. My first was a girl and three years later, a boy. A wise old relative declared….”you have one of each, so you either stick to 2 or go for 4…..never have 3”. Five years later, we had an accident - our 3rd, a boy, the best accident ever 🥰 Unfortunately, our marriage failed when he was 15, and we divorced.
In my case, my third child, enriched my life and actually kept my husband and myself together. Though they say you should not stay together for the sake of the children, we did, and do not regret that decision. All 3 children have very successful lives and careers.
N.B. There’s a slight middle child syndrome going on (I think), but not to a disruptive degree. The older two have personality clashes…..they are both very opinionated and family gatherings can get heated. And that’s where, my third comes in and diffuses the situation. He is such a joy.
Good luck with whatever you decide !!!

Peasblossom Wed 04-Aug-21 21:19:29

Yup, three. The third one born on the first ones 4th birthday, so more or less two years apart.

One set of parents dead, the other 400 miles away and not that interested.

Worked just fine. Good company for each other and great friends now their adults.

Go for it😀

Eloethan Wed 04-Aug-21 22:50:17

It seems you are thinking very carefully about this, which is good.

If you - and of course your husband - feel you would like another child and, from what you say, there are no pressures on you to go back to work at the moment and presumably you have factored in the extra amount of work involved, then I would say go ahead.

I hope all goes well for you and your family, whatever you decide.

B9exchange Wed 04-Aug-21 22:58:55

My advice would be that the only time to have another child is when you feel you can't not!

I had two boys and a girl when DH's job was moved to the Midlands and I was stuck at home with three under 7s. Parents too far away to help. It was extremely hard going, but of course I would never be without them. Once we moved up to join DH we realised that three children wasn't working, always two making the other one's life difficult, not the same ones all the time, but always two onto one. We decided to have a fourth, and that he did act as a peacemaker once he had arrived.

Msida Thu 05-Aug-21 01:49:12

Hi and welcome here Please feel free to come to us for advice, there will always be grans here that have good life experience and will hopefully be able to help smile

Personally I raised my 2 children without any support, I did have a Mum and Mother in law but neither were maternal.

When I had my first son I wake up one morning and all I could see was nappies baby clothes and felt I could do with some help, I called my Mum and asked for help, I am busy she said... I thought that was mean to refuse to help a new Mum but can I tell you it was the best thing she could have done because when she would not come to help me it made me think.. Fine I'll do it alone and don't need anyone. And that's exactly what I did, never asked anyone's advise never asked for help ever again and my husband worked long hours and was old school in that he felt it was a wom4s job to take care of the children so not too much help there and I could not be prouder of myself.

As far as should you have more children.. Well it is such a personal thing.. What would it actually be like having another child in the family, think about what your day would look like, would you manage ok, does your husband want another child just as mu h as you because that is so very important that you are both on the same page.

I personally should have stu k with just one child because having a second child was too much for us and our marriage suffered greatly and never went back to what it was before having my second child

But my son has three children and he couldnt be happier, he feels extremely Blessed, it's hard work but like in your family, my son works from home and helps loads and so they are a team and it works for them

I hope I have given you relevant things to think about and lastly you could also, if you haven't already ask the same question to mums net.

I wish you the very best whatever you decide, just take your time and only go for it once you and your husband together, have thought it through smile

Nansnet Thu 05-Aug-21 06:43:15

It sounds like you've already given this a lot of thought. There are plenty of mums out there who, even though they have family, sometimes have no support from them.

You are very lucky that you have the choice, and can afford to be a stay at home mum, and having another child won't be a struggle for you financially. It also sounds like you have a great, supportive husband, and a happy family. If you both would like another child, I'd say go for it.

lemsip Thu 05-Aug-21 07:39:09

I think you should stick with two until you can make the decision. .......

Allsorts Thu 05-Aug-21 07:44:25

I would most definitely stay with two, you must really want a another child to go ahead.

Lucca Thu 05-Aug-21 07:47:14

My friend’s daughter had two boys and decided to try for a girl.
She got twin girls……..

Elizabeth1 Thu 05-Aug-21 07:51:05

I had 9 years between children and enjoyed both very much I just got sick of folks saying after the first one “when are you having a second one to chum the first one”. I just said we’ll have another when we feel like it, it’s our business and no one else’s. Only have another child if you feel it’s right for you and no one else need interfere or advise. Good luck in your quest for appropriate advice have a third child if you feel it’s right for you and your DH it’s no one else’s business

M0nica Thu 05-Aug-21 07:52:32

Having always been career orientated, I had two children and left it at that.

Shelflife Thu 05-Aug-21 08:08:46

We have three , eldest were 7 and 9 when baby three arrived. Not a mistake , although it would have been a very happy mistake! First two have only 21 months between them , so were of course in school when our third arrived. We had moved some distance from my Mum when number three arrived , so no help from Grandma. I was fortunate to be able to be at home with my children when they were under 5 years.
Having number three a bit later was good, elder two in school made baby care easy! It was hectic with first two !!! They are all on good terms - most of the time !
Having a third child is a big decision and one only you and your husband can make . You are a loving Mum and will remain so whether you have number three or not. Be very sure you really want another baby , but if you go for it he/she will be loved . However it is another child to focus on , and children do present us with a certain amount of worry that never goes away . Well worth the worry though !!! To answer your question our lives were enriched by the arrival of our third child.

Newquay Thu 05-Aug-21 08:17:09

Just a thought-shouldn’t we be trying to keep the population down? (Ducks behind wall)

anna7 Thu 05-Aug-21 08:34:14

I have three sons and never regretted having the third for a minute. I had the third after a gap of several years, hoping for a girl. I was delighted with my third boy though. I never had much help when they were growing up. The youngest two had medical problems, now thankfully fully resolved, and it did put a strain on our marriage. Its impossible to say what life would have been like if we had stopped at two children but I will never regret my third beautiful son. All three are good friends now they are grown up.

Polarbear2 Thu 05-Aug-21 08:42:17

I considered having a third but didn’t mainly for financial and practical reasons. It’s hard to fit 3 car seats in a car for example. And holidays are often designed for 4, e.g. holiday lets are often a double and a twin. And of course kids are expensive and while hand me downs can survive 2 I’d doubt they’d go to 3 so new stuff often needed. But, having said all that, now my two are 30+ I wish I’d have had more and thrown sensible-ness to the wind. 😁

foxie48 Thu 05-Aug-21 08:51:42

I don't think it's something that anyone else can advice you on as it depends on your personal circumstances. I had two daughters but with a huge gap, for me it worked as I was able to work but still give my daughters the individual attention that I wanted to give them. They were both sporty, in school and county teams and I was able to give them both support and as they both got older, the financial commitment was no problem. Older children can be very expensive and equally time consuming as younger ones.

Baggs Thu 05-Aug-21 08:54:05

Have three if that’s what you want. And stop worrying about it. All the best!

grannyrebel7 Thu 05-Aug-21 09:46:57

I've only got two, one if each, but would have liked more. I'd say go for it!

Redhead56 Thu 05-Aug-21 10:16:29

I think the maternal instinct is very difficult to ignore it was for me. I was desperate for a child I was 31 when I had my son. I had a miscarriage my marriage was a mess but I wanted another child. Even though the circumstances were totally wrong I had my daughter. I brought mine up on my own as I was getting divorced.
I eventually remarried but had no more children. I love my son and daughter and I am so proud of them I have no regrets.
I think you have already made up your mind to have a third child I wish you well for the future.

AGAA4 Thu 05-Aug-21 10:47:58

I have 4 and regret none of them. Each one has enriched my life. My husband worked long hours and weekends and didn't have much help from family but each child was a blessing and hard work too but I am so glad I have them.
They are all grown up now and have been such a comfort to me since my husband died.
If you want more children then have them. Very few regret it.

MayBee70 Thu 05-Aug-21 12:10:42

Without being morbid you will, at least not find yourself in a situation where you are having to look after young children and having the worry of parents that are getting old and infirm. Maybe I was unusual in that my parents were quite old when I was born but there were a few years when I seemed to be juggling looking after my children and having to be prepared to drop everything at short notice to drive to another town. And then my husbands father became ill, too.

dogsmother Thu 05-Aug-21 12:51:10

Only you can answer this.
Listen to our experiences of course, but if you are maternal do it, if career minded don’t.
I have three I’m absolutely maternal and adore them. All now successful career people in their own rights. I’m left wondering should I have thought more of myself as now unless they get a move on I won’t see any grandchildren 😮

BJC88 Thu 05-Aug-21 22:14:35

Thank you all so much for your replies! Feeling a little bit emotional reading them, the longing for your parents is so heightened when you have your own children, least of all for the practical support but just to share in the memories being made with your own children. Your children are so very lucky to have you!

‘I think you should stick with two until you can make the decision. .......’

Lemsip maybe you’ve hit the nail on the head . . .

I had originally planned to have four so that they would have each other if I also passed away young like my parents (a bit morbid sorry), that and I do love motherhood and a bustling home, but my first son has such a strong and at times domineering personality that I worry it might be a case of the squeaky wheel with three and my second very laid back son would be worse off for it.

My husband is very much onboard, he thinks 3 is the magic number, but like I say works a lot so would not wear the brunt of the day to day work.

We moved country just days after giving birth to my second and at the start of the first lockdown and I have definitely had more moments then I am happy to admit where I wasn’t the mother I had hoped to be.
Both sons are terrible sleepers and for the first year and a bit I wasn’t very present due to my head being in a fog. Another child would mean at least another year of this, another year that I would miss out on with my older two. But then I look at them and how precious they are and think, ‘just one more, go on, dig deep, you’ll survive the early days, just one more.’

Your advice and own experiences have really given me plenty to chew on, thank you. Also plenty of reminders of all I have to be grateful for no matter my decision, thank you so much.

Skydancer Thu 05-Aug-21 22:16:51

Two children should be enough for anyone in this day and age. The world is overcrowded.