Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

How do you cope?

(41 Posts)
Kate1949 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:27:35

After yet another horrendous thing happening in our family, I am struggling to make sense of it all. How do others cope?

rosie1959 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:36:18

Sometimes you just can’t make sense of it and when that happens you have to draw together as a family and support each other Sometimes easier said than done as mother and grandmother I can’t always put things right
I found I have coped because I have had to and just taken each day one at a time

loopyloo Tue 07-Sep-21 16:36:28

With difficulty and my thoughts are with you.
I find it helps to write the problems down and list possible solutions and things I could do.
Discuss things with my family and friends.
Go out for a walk.
Talk to my dog or cat or to the wall like Shirley Valentine.
Cut something down in the garden or throw things away.
Buy a gadget to help the situation.
Pray.

Judy54 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:36:40

Hello Kate1949 we all have different coping strategies depending on what we are dealing with. It is difficult to cope with sudden illness, death, divorce, estrangement. It all depends on what the problem is and what support if any we have. I do hope that whatever the problem is you find appropriate coping mechanisms.

JaneJudge Tue 07-Sep-21 16:40:14

Oh Kate, I hope you are ok. Could you get some counselling through your GP's wellbeing service? xx

hazel93 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:40:31

Rather difficult to say as we all cope in different ways through the bad times.
As you have not said what has actually happened I don't think anyone can give any advice.
I wish you well and hope your future is brighter in time.

62Granny Tue 07-Sep-21 16:45:46

I had a difficult time in 2017, & 2018, first I had a major operation ? Cancer, thankfully all ok, my mother passed away three months later, then just 6 months after retiring my husband had a major stroke , I then had to then find us a more suitable home and arrange the buying and selling of the old and the new. Looking back not sure how I done it all but I did. I would silently scream and cry sometimes and had a few sleepless nights. But I did it and congratulate myself on being able to.

Madgran77 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:47:44

Know the feeling. Ensure you take even just 20 mins a day in quiet time for you ...shut the door (in the bath room if necessary) and just shut your eyes and breathe slowly!

List the issues, list solutions, things you can do, others could do etc. Be practical

Talk to others, don't keep it all to yourself and be too stoic.

Treat yourself and others ...even simple little things

flowers

BawBee2 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:48:12

Coping strategies will vary from person to person. It is possible you are setting the bar too high for yourself and feel you ought to be “coping” when actually you need to grieve or take stock or just give yourself some space.
A brief respite where you can smile or even laugh may help you to return to the problems stronger and better able to see your way forward.
As Rosie says, perhaps there is no sense to be made, all you can do is just put one foot in front of the other.flowers
I saw this recently and liked it

Kate1949 Tue 07-Sep-21 16:50:09

Thank you. I'm a bit wary as this is a public forum. Some years ago my brother and his son found their wife/mum dead in the house. She was in her 40s. They had already lost their son to cancer. Last week the same nephew found his dad collapsed at home after a stroke. He is in hospital. I can't believe this young man has gone through this twice.

hazel93 Tue 07-Sep-21 17:04:32

All you can do is be there for your nephew, hopefully you are close so your support will be invaluable.
A stroke is not always the road to disability or worse as I well know. Take a deep breath and be the sister and aunt they need right now.
All good wishes for a happy outcome.

JaneJudge Tue 07-Sep-21 17:08:52

I'm sorry Kate sad hopefully he will be able to talk to people out this as it's hell of shock x

Shelflife Tue 07-Sep-21 17:15:54

Thinking about you Kate , such a dreadful time . Your nephew will appreciate your love and support. Your brother and nephew need you there , I can imagine how hard it is for you. Sending strength and good wishes to you and your family.💐

Kate1949 Tue 07-Sep-21 17:17:24

Thanks everyone

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 07-Sep-21 17:33:08

Kate, as I recall you have had more than your fair share of misery already. I’m so very sorry to hear that life has dealt you another blow. I also recall you are a very strong and loving person, hence you mentioning your nephew here above yourself. You will find the strength to get through this and to help and support your nephew and your brother too. Life can be so very hard for some but you will find a way through, as you have before. I already remember you in my prayers (query whether this is working!) and will say an extra one for your brother and nephew. x

Kate1949 Tue 07-Sep-21 17:36:41

Thank you GSM. I know lots of people have had much misery too and that I'm not alone in this. Some would keep it all in. This site has helped me however. I also have a lovely supportive family.

Neen Tue 07-Sep-21 17:58:15

Sometimes you have to think : this out of my control so what do I'll do is to pray about it.
Also remember it's ok it to be ok sometimes, so long as you don't stay in there.

Neen Tue 07-Sep-21 17:59:47

Gosh that meant to say it's ok not to be ok sometimes and also meant to say sometimes all we can do is pray about it .( Can't be find my glasses )

annsixty Tue 07-Sep-21 18:11:52

Kate
I too have followed your posts for many years and you have been strong and positive throughout.
You will cope this time because short of cutting yourself off from your family and letting them get on with it, you have no choice.
They will rely on your help and support and you will give it.
Best wishes to you all for the next few weeks and hopefully a better time ahead.

Kate1949 Tue 07-Sep-21 18:15:02

Thank you

Hetty58 Tue 07-Sep-21 18:17:59

Kate1949, I cope by being extra kind to myself, cutting myself some slack when possible - and allowing plenty of time to adjust to changing situations. I've lowered my expectations too.

Making 'sense of it all' is just a human tendency. Our brains try to work out the 'why' when often it's just not there to be found.

Redhead56 Tue 07-Sep-21 20:09:42

I had the the worst first husband imaginable I got through it but I don't know how.
I have had difficult times since thankfully not with my children but my own siblings.
I can only say to you that I am sure you have been supportive in the past. Keep on being who you are and support your nephew as much as you are able.

Bellanonna Tue 07-Sep-21 20:24:27

Kate I have “known” you for a long time. You are positive and strong and that will help you to cope. Let’s hope the dad will make a good recovery. Thinking of you 🌹

Kate1949 Tue 07-Sep-21 20:40:13

Thank you Bella You are always very kind. Thanks everyone who has replied.

Puzzled Wed 08-Sep-21 19:29:44

We all cope in different ways.
When we lost our son, I was angry toward anyone who was less than helpful., but eventually calmed ,down.
WE rewarded ourselves with treats, days out while we mourned (Probably to take our mind off things)
After more than 20 years our mourning has never stopped, just softened a little, and made us more tolerant of, and helpful towards, others and their problems.
Somewhere, there is always a mountain that we have to find ma way to climb. Often the steps are tiny, but at last you reach the top and view the vista beyond.
No matter how long the tunnel seems to be, there is light at the end of it.
You just have to keep walking until you can catch a glimpse of the light, to watch it grow bigger and brighter as you progress, even if your footsteps seem to be heavy at the time.
Take heart! You mwillovercome, even if it takes time.

Best Wishes.