advice please

I’m a bit confused. At first I thought it was your parents who were afraid of getting covid from your son’s household, now it seems it might be the other way round. You say your parents haven’t been careful. What is it that they do?

Your parents have had 3 jabs and are probably acting as normal as we have all been advised. I’m assuming that your ACs have been jabbed and are at work, probably not wearing masks and the GCs are too young to wear masks.
It would seem that your parents are at equal risk of catching Covid as your son and his family, certainly no more of a risk than all of you catching it from your working son and his wife.
It seems very sad that they have to sit in a room on their own with the doors open.
The problem with your father driving is another issue, and will need to be addressed very soon.

I'm also a bit confused.
Have you and your DH been having close contact with your parents yourselves?

Sorry I am hopeless at trying to explain myself.my parents from day one never abited to covid rules my son and his family have been ultra strict for the sake of their children,my grandson was very ill just before covid that I think being main reason.

I visit my parents weekly but since helping my son have not been inside my parents house,I sit in their garden which annoys my parents they think I am going to far but it's what I have to do to follow my son's rules and I am happy to as now get to look after the children.

My dad's driving is an issue but he and mum like everything else ignore it so I have all that as well,it's called ignoring the elephant in the room with them, nothing can change.

Oppsadaisy - the population have not been advised to act as normal. Government have shifted the responsibility to the individual. Basically you weigh up your odds and take your chances. Seems here that there's a real conflict between the risk assessment. I think that the OP can only be honest and if people are upset then so be it. These decisions have potentially serious consequences and each must be happy with their own stance.

You really are stuck in the middle.

I think your son and family are taking things to the extreme, are the children at a nursery, if so the precautions are all in vain!

It would be a miserable occasion sitting inside with masks and the doors open!

Is there a park where you could meet up, the children could play and you could picnic together?

Re your fathers driving, this has to be addressed as a matter of urgency, the link below may help.

www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=web&cd=&ved=2ahUKEwi4q8Paw9PzAhVLhVwKHdwaBH8QFnoECAIQAQ&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ageuk.org.uk%2Finformation-advice%2Ftravel-hobbies%2Fdriving%2Fworried-about-someones-driving%2F&usg=AOvVaw0urK4iryKmHu23qziJjy17

agree my son is extreme but i totally respect their way of life,no children do not go to nursery,i childcare one day a week and they have a nanny two days a week,they are starting to do little things outdoors but the feel that their home is their safety area,so it is a big deal them letting mum and dad in,just know mum will moan,my husband said just read out the messages from my daughter inlaw to mum and let them decide.

Your son’s behaviour is rather extreme. After all, he and his wife are now back in the office and the children also have a nanny, is that in her home or theirs? So lots of potential sources of infection quite apart from your vaccinated parents. Would he be happy if your parents took a test before visiting? Sitting in a room with doors open and wearing masks would be very miserable and surely anyone in that room - parents as well as the children - could be at risk of pneumonia in very cold weather, almost as bad as sitting outside in the cold.

Do you, your husband and the nanny have to wear a mask in the children's house?
Do you all take a lateral flow test before you go there?
Do you keep the doors open while you are there?
I'm not sure why your parents are considered the bigger risk to the children.

However, whether you agree with them or not, it's your son and daughter-in-law's call and their rules must apply.
I think baby steps with this one, and see how it goes over the next few weeks and months.
You certainly don't want to jeopardise your own days with your grandchildren.
Best of luck joanna12 ?

I find my grandkids parents extreme but then they always say when he's in your care it's up to you you so I do disobey some of their rule sometimes but I try not to 2

I know my son is very extreme,and they have said they are already taking risks they are not happy with but in their home they want as little risk as possible.Yes the nanny goes to their house and they say she is as strick as them,I have already taken my covid test this morning my husband will later,we don't wear masks,I know this is weird but until now it's been back garden only so a big step but it won't suit my mum she will moan like hell to me about how silly this is but she gets to see and touch the kids so it more than we had for a long time.

I know my son has issues with his mental health,so I don't want to upset him.

Oh dear you really are trying to please everyone!
It must be like skating on thin ice the whole time.

How lucky they are if their nanny doesn’t go to pubs, nightclubs, busy shopping centres etc!

Is your son using COVID as an excuse to control everyone?

I think your son is quite right to be cautious. I wouldn't aim to return to the 'before Covid' arrangements. After all, it's still with us - and still potentially deadly.

Why not meet somewhere outdoors, half way, for a short time, so they can see the grandchildren? If the weather turns very cold, your parents will just have to stay at home. We usually want to, when it's frosty. Maybe you could set up a Zoom meeting instead.

It does seem ridiculous to sit in the dining room, in the cold, though, so I don't see that as a realistic option.

Perhaps your son’s mental health issues are part of the reason for his fears. I would just tell Mum it’s his house, his children so his rules, you’re not the one making the rules so she should speak to him not burden you with it. And ask your son if he would be comfortable having them indoors with the doors closed and no masks if they take a test first, as I can’t see that they pose a greater risk than people your son and daughter in law and the nanny come into contact with outside the home. I do wonder if all this fear will ultimately damage the children as before long they will want to make friends and the elder one will be at school in a year or so. Covid will be with us for a very long time and they can’t remain prisoners in their home.

On another note, I know you are worried about your Dad’s driving. Could you have a private word with his GP? No-one would want him causing an accident, potentially fatal.

This does seem a bit extreme. I agree we should continue to be very sensible, i.e., wearing masks in shops, washing hands and being outdoors as much as possible. We are now in a situation where you have all been vaccinated but as an earlier post has said, there is Nanny coming and going and the parents have no idea what she does in her private life and nor should they. We have to try and live with Covid otherwise everyone's mental health, including that of the children will be badly affected. If I were your parents I would accept the decision of your son and DIL but there is no way that I would go to such extremes in order to catch pneumonia. I would stay at home in the warm and wait until common sense prevails!

It’s all a muddle, but I personally think that the biggest danger to anyone in the whole scenario is that your father may not be a safe driver. I would be using your son’s rules as a handy excuse to keep him off the road for those two hours a fortnight.

The young parents must be quite anxious about going back to office work plus leaving their kids to the care of others.

You should do exactly as you son and his wife ask you to do , whatever the old couple's ideas are. You are now in the position to strongly advise your parents what to do about covid especially as it affects their grandkids. You may also advise your father not to drive if in your opinion he is unsafe.

It is not easy to change from obeying your parents to yourself being in the driving seat but that is how things are now that they are older and a bit stupid, and you are mature and have to make decisions for the old people.

I have to say I’m surprised at the number of posts accusing the child’s parents of being extreme. It is their decision, their child was ill before the pandemic, the father has mental health issues…plus the mention of great grandparents not being sensible about Covid safety, surely it is not the time to talk about “common sense” returning. All this talk of being back to normal is a bit odd given how many cases we still have every day.
Personally I think the great grandparents will have to wait.I trust the intention is not for them to visit every week ?

I visit my parents weekly but since helping my son have not been inside my parents house,I sit in their garden which annoys my parents they think I am going to far but it's what I have to do to follow my son's rules and I am happy to as now get to look after the children.

Your son can lay down the rules as to his own house but I find it very odd that his rules also include you sitting in your parents' garden when you visit them.

Does the nanny also have to sit in her parents garden?

A very difficult situation - I don't envy you.

As to advice, well I don't really have any unfortunately, as I expect your son's mental health takes priority over every one else's, and you have to tread carefully in case you upset him and you can't see the grandchildren.

I hadn’t picked that up Riverwalk. I quite agree. Son can’t expect to control everyone’s lives like this., to the extent of his grandparents having to sit outside when it’s cold. Very dangerous for them. It sounds as though he may need some professional help to put his fears in perspective. Please don’t put your parents’ lives at risk to comply with his rules.

Quite apart from the difference in attitude to Covid precautions, the clincher for me would be your father's erratic driving. I am sure he thinks he is safe, but the evidence of his losing his does suggest that he might no longer be safe on the road. I'm 80 myself and find it trying to drive more than short distances.

losing his losing his way

Thank you all for your messages,lots of help.I read my mum bits of my son and dil messages earlier and she has taken offense told me tell them forget it i will wait until xmas and when she tells my dad later he will be annoyed as well,once she has calmed down hope it will be okay and i get a chance to talk to my son tomorrow when we childmind for them.It is just so sad i worry with dad 83 will he get to see normal again with the children.

I also had not thought about the nanny sitting outside at her parents,that annoys my parents as well so i get it all ways.I did think the nanny must see her family,her husband is a teacher she has a child etc,but my son says that it is the better choice than nursery for them and it is the best they can do,they have coped until now alone with childcare,both working from home,but now they have to do a few days a week in the office both in universities but the house they feel safe in so i understand just feel very sad for my parents.

My son does have lots of issues and these last months will have obviously made him worst,we never talk about it he's 38 but i am there if he needs me,he has a lovely wife so i am thinking she has been a rock for him,plus with the oldest child who was just under two at the time very ill,i wonder if he had covid the doctors could not decide what it was and it was the nov before we heard about covid,they almost lost him it is a bad place to go to relive that day so i can only imagine his thinking.

Thank you all again,you are very kind gransnet is a lovely place.x