No Funeral

I always knew my H wanted to be buried in his place of birth three hundred miles away in his tiny village cemetery where he grew up. This worried me as it was was peak pandemic time and felt this would not be possible. I enquired and found it was possible. An undertaker was able to come the three hundred miles and take him home and conduct a graveside service five days later. Much sooner than it would have been here. Of course immediate family could not go but the amount of comfort this gave us that we had been able to carry out his wish was enormous. We had the order of service and it was videoed and photographs taken. We shall have a memorial gathering when we next get up there. Fortunately I had made these enquiries the week before he died. He was in care, when they phoned to tell me he had died, in the next breath they wanted to know the name of the funeral company I was going to use, as fast removal was necessary because they had no storage facilities. Very thankful I was prepared. It was seamless he was back in his homeland fifteen hours after he died.

We have had 4 months to think about this,MIL died during lock down, no one was able to go to the funeral due to shielding issues plus we werent allowed to travel, we all had a zoom meeting later in the evening and raised a glass in her memory.
We were all agreed that MIL wouldn’t have cared, she didn’t go to a funeral unless she had to.
So DH and I have decided that we won’t have a funeral, if the DDs and GCs want to get together at a later date to scatter our ashes and have a get together, then that is fine, the thought of them all getting together for a funeral ceremony is awful to us.
We’ve been to so many of close family and have hated it, the last one that DH went had hundreds of people there and the surviving spouse had no idea that he was there and as he said his wife wouldn’t have cared anyway.
We will probably get a Vicar or whatever to say a prayer and that’s it.
We know that the children love us, no question about that and we won’t be there so.....
Now all we have to do is tell the ACs!

I hate funerals too, and I don't want my adult children (or husband, if I go first) to have to arrange anything or pay out for things, so I signed up to leave my body to medical science. It's something we (husband and I) did about 15 years ago.

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In India it used to be common for elderly people to hold a celebration of their lives as they approached death. All friends and relatives would be invited to come and the old person could join in what was effectively their own wake. When death did come then there would simply be a cremation and disposal of the ashes. This pre-death wake is called a hagama and my husbands aunt had one a few months before she died. If I get to eighty or so I intend to have a hagama too . There will be a big party where I will invite everyone to come and celebrate my life and then when I do pop off my son can have me cremated simply and scatter me in private.

I have arranged to donate my body for research.
I'm puzzled that it will be rejected if I develop dementia/Alzheimers before my death!

what i know is even if we opt for cremation, the need to buy a casket is necessary. and the cost of a cremation casket mostly depends on the type of casket you’ll need for the type of service you’ll be having. For example, if you’ll be having a formal funeral followed by a cremation, you could purchase an all-wood casket for the service and the cremation or you could rent a casket for the funeral service and use an alternative container for the cremation, which would be much less expensive. www.simplyobseques.com/inhumation-cremation

Callgirl That sounds absolutely perfect for you and your family. I hope it has brought some comfort to you as you embark on the grieving process.

My family has always been "big"on funerals – must be our Irish-Catholic ancestry. The ceremony and burial are always sad times – of course they are because someone we love very much is now dead. I have spoken the eulogy at a number of family funerals – it's hard to write and it's even harder to deliver – because I have functioned as the centre of the family circle since the death of my youngest aunt. I spoke her eulogy and that for my own mother.

Then everyone goes back to someone's family home – sometimes that of the deceased, often mine in the past. There's food, there's drink, there's remembrance, there's laughter, sometimes there has been singing. Some of us haven't seen each other for a while and we rejoice in renewing family and friend connections. Someone – sometimes several someones – tells a story about the kindness or humour or humanity or generosity of the person who has died and we all learn a little bit more about the person we have loved, lost and continue to love, taking their kindness, humour, humanity and generosity into out lives to make us better people. What would my Dad do? How would my aunt react? What would my Mum say? How would my cousin help? All these aspects of the person we have loved while they were alive and continue to love now they are no longer with us inform our lives and our families and friends help us do that.

I think some kind of ceremony – one that does allow everyone to grieve, sob and shake and share their grief – and then another kind of informal ceremony that allows everyone to share memories, reunite, affirm love and be honest is essential and healthy.

When I made a will – now outdated and I must do something about that – I was asked if I had any wishes about what should happen to my lifeless body. I made a joke about the Council skip but I know that my family will genuinely grieve and will need a focus for their grief. They will need a process for saying goodbye and a funeral is a good way of doing that: first, you do the sad painful part of the burial or cremation ceremongy (it doesn't have to be religious – God forbid [sic] – and then you do the fun party with good things and happy memories because you attend funerals of those people who were fun, good and happy, not of those to whom you are indifferent or whom you dislike.

As some of you know, my husband died a few weeks ago. As he wasn`t particularly religious, we, the kids and I, opted for a service conducted by a civil celebrant rather than a rather pious vicar who never knew him. I know that the celebrant didn`t either, but she came to our house to meet me and our children, talk about David, see photographs, and when she left she said she almost felt as if she`d known him. She wrote out her eulogy later that night and emailed it to me for approval.
At the service we entered the crematorium to the Cornet Carillon, by the Black Dyke Mills band, hubby had been a brass bandsman for most of his life, and had played that piece of music many times. We then had mine and my grandma`s favourite hymn, one daughter read out something she`d written about her dad, finishing with a little poem, his ex boss gave a lovely speech about him, then we departed to Robbie Williams Angels. We were given a choice of having the curtains open or closed, being reassured that the coffin would go nowhere until everyone had left, so we had the curtains left open, with a photograph of my husband at the front of the coffin.
There were quite a few people at the funeral, but mostly family and friends, none who hadn`t seen him for donkey`s years, and we went to a restaurant for a buffet tea, before a good few of them set off on their long journeys home.
Hubby didn`t leave much money, so I was dreading the cost of the funeral, but was pleasantly(?) surprised to be told that the basic cost was £2,000, limousines £100 each extra, all in all, including the celebrant, my husbands was just short of £2,300, which we can just about afford. I now have his ashes upstairs, until we go up to Kintyre next Easter, to scatter them into the sea just off the beach at his favourite place on earth, Muasdale. I think that would have made him happy.

My family won't be having a funeral because I've donated my body to medical science.
They keep the body for 3 years and then the family can have it back if they want.
I've always believed that they can find out so much from our bodies and then hopefully use that knowledge to fight awful diseases.

Have just found this. My husband and I agreed not to have any form of funeral. He died of a heart attack aged 73 and my daughter and granddaughter came to our house and GD sat and held his hand and took a photo of just his and her hand holding one another. He was taken away just after that and was cremated by a really caring funeral family. We played some of the CD's he had made (I'm in tears now). We have no other family and I've asked my D to do the same for me. It was Nov 5th he died, a few days time.

I would hope and pray that my loved ones looked and had a funeral that was made up of songs that I liked. Took my wishes into consideration. Every christian funeral that I have been to has been different but unique to the individual and rightly so. I have said in my funeral plan/document what songs i would like at the funeral and other plans I had wanted. Such as a colourful coffin etc not the everyday mahognay type etc etc.

Funnily enough I've been thinking if arranging and paying for my funeral to save my children having to sort it out. As I'm not religeous I too have thought of the non funeral where I just get carted off and cremated and my friends and family have their own get together afterwards, possibly with my ashes in attendance!
However, it does seem rather cold and depressing. I haven't yet broached it with my children as I want to feel easy about it myself first.

I have stipulated in my will that I want a direct cremation - this is what a cremation without a service is called and what David Bowie had earlier this year. My body will go straight from my place of death to the crematorium and obviously the cost to my family will be considerably reduced compared to a conventional funeral/cremation. I have requested my ashes be scattered in a place which holds a lot of memories for me and that my family and friends then have a party to celebrate my life with lots of popping corks!

Neither of my parents wanted a service or what would normally be considered a funeral, but what did happen was dignified and met their wishes.

Family only we arrived at the crem, to be there for the last part of their journey, then just stood in silence with our own thoughts as coffin made its way to conveyor belt, curtains closed and we left. For Mum sisters came back here for a coffee. We explained to relatives at a distance what would happen so they did not travel a long way to just stand, and everyone accepted it.

A funeral is a very personal decision and you should make sure your wishes are known, however none of us will be around to know if they are carried out!!

My Dad left his body to science, two years later we had his ashes returned and we scattered them in his favourite place. You can also go to a service for your loved one and others which I'm told is really lovely although we didn't do that. Wished we had now.
When my Mum died science did not accept her body so we had to have a small funeral (which she didn't want) I was determined to speak but didn't know if I could. I managed to tell the story of her life just about without blubbing and I am so glad I did.
I haven't decided about me yet but expect a cremation ( don't like the thought of science) Happy to be scattered with Mum and Dad when the time comes.

I've recently paid for my funeral so that my children won't have to pay. We've talked about it and I've told them to do whatever they feel is right. I wouldn't dream of imposing any possible unwelcome conditions on them.

I so agree with you. Neither I nor my DH want a funeral. We are going to be cremated without a service & certainly no razzmatazz. Regretfully when your gone your gone, & that's it. I certainly don't think the majority people go to a funeral to say goodbye, they go to have a party afterwards. Perhaps I'm cynical, but hay hoe....! I would much prefer to say my goodybyes privately.

When I die don't bury me deep
Just shovel me into the Compost Heap
When I'm well rotted, you can bung
Me on to the garden in place of dung.

This is interesting as a friends father just died and didn't want a funeral. It never occurred to me that you didn't have to have one. So pop mein a coffin pop me down to the crem and then have a party. Funerals are expensive and why pay lots of money for something your not even going to enjoy. I could go on a cruise for that.

I think make your wishes be known, then the next generation can interpret as they wish. Leaving a bit of money for a party is probably better than wasting on a coffin etc. Although I do fancy the horses drawing the hearse....

Juney64 that's a really helpful link. Thank you!

Thanks Juney, that's brilliant. I think I want to follow this course of action. I have incurable cancer so I've been giving this some massive thought and have told the BH and kids what I want but I'm now going to go straight for a 'wake/party'! They can advertise my departure and hold a celebration with drinks and sandwiches and maybe have a cake instead of the expensive flowers normally on a coffin. They can still chat about me, play the music I liked and even have a dance, how brilliantly different! And the 'envelope openers' can be weeded out. You know the ones: they turn up with minimal knowledge of the deceased, eat everything in the first half hour and then leave. Basically, they'd turn up to the opening of an envelope!

Rubylady, the following link is to a cremation only website and the cost is around £1,200 for everything.

There is also a blog on the website with useful information on this subject.

www.purecremation.co.uk