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I miss my MiL

(27 Posts)
morethan2 Thu 06-Apr-17 15:07:37

My MiL died in January. We had our ups and downs and she often poked her nose in. Mainly because she loved her son, my husband. We argued but never held a grudge. She often confided in me. I suppose it was easier because we didn't have any baggage. Our relationship matured over 40+ years and we came to love each other and we were very close. I lost my own mother at 22 so in a way she became a surrogate. A few days ago my husband received a text asking for his details to pay in his share of the estate. It's not much about £3000 + more than we expected. It's forced me to realise I'll never see her again. I've been so busy comforting her daughter that I hadn't really thought of it. Today I feel really tearful. I can't share this with her daughter who is still distraught. I don't want to upset my husband. I feel as if my own family and freinds might feel "she was only your MiL" but she was part of my whole married life. I'd love a memento but feel awful asking because I'm only the DiL. I'm telling you because I can't tell anyone else.

Ana Thu 06-Apr-17 15:12:10

Oh, please tell your husband how you feel - she was his mum of course so he must have realised how close you were. I'm sure he and your DIL would understand your wish to have a small token to remember her by - I do feel for you...sad

Ana Thu 06-Apr-17 15:14:00

(not your DIL, I realise now, but your SIL?)

J52 Thu 06-Apr-17 15:14:22

((Hugs)). flowers try to focus on a lovely experience that you shared and do ask for a memento. Often people are only too pleased that someone cares enough to want something. Maybe your DH could ask on your behalf.

Jayanna9040 Thu 06-Apr-17 15:26:11

I'm truly sorry for you loss - and it is a loss. I adored my MIL, who was full of life, funny, bossy and exasperating. I used to say that if I was stuck on a desert island she was way up on the list of who I would like to have with me! She was a wonderful support to me when my husband, her son, died.
I would just ask for something, not valuable, but that encapsulates her. I have a teapot. And it won't hurt you and her daughter to have a little weep togetherflowers

cornergran Thu 06-Apr-17 15:43:56

Please dont feel you have to hide your grief, morethan. Just as there is room to love everyone there is room for everyone to grieve. You aren't 'only' a daughter in law, your relationship was special and unique. Your husband and his sister will know how much their mother meant to you so why would they be surprised if you asked for a momento, something that encapsulates your relationship? Its OK to share some tears. You have reminded me of my husband saying when my Dad died 'I had him longer than I had my own Dad', we grieved together, I hope you will feel able to do the same. Please look ater yourself.

nanaK54 Thu 06-Apr-17 16:04:53

So sorry for your loss flowers. I'm sure husband and SIL will appreciate you grieving for their mum, I know that my DH still thinks about my mum.....
I would gently ask if you might have something to remember her by.

Grannyben Thu 06-Apr-17 20:00:30

I got to the end of your post and said "aww". How lovely and refreshing to read of your relationship with your mother in law. Whilst i understand that your husband and sister in law are grieving i bet it would bring them comfort to know how you feel. And, as other posters have said, do mention that you would love to have a little momento

Willow500 Thu 06-Apr-17 20:08:19

I'm so sorry you feel this way and equally sure both your husband and his sister would totally understand your grief. She was in your life for all those years and sounds like she had a great relationship with you all. Please tell them how you feel. My MIL passed away 7 years ago and last week we went to her niece's funeral - it was quite a shock to see her very elderly sisters (one is 99) and in particular her middle sister who looked so like her coming into the church. It brought back to me how much I missed her and the great discussions we used to have when we got together, My husband was also very close to my dad and equally misses him. flowers

Luckygirl Thu 06-Apr-17 20:55:44

There is nothing wrong with showing how you feel - those who also loved her will feel a shared grief with you; and will be proud that she was able to establish such a loving relationship with you. I am sorry for your loss. flowers

Lindylou23 Fri 07-Apr-17 09:30:48

Ask for a momento they will be pleased that you would like something special. I was close to my mil and I know how you feel.

nipsmum Fri 07-Apr-17 09:45:07

You have all the lovely memories of her, no-one can take those away. I'm sure she knew you loved her , hold on to that not and you don't need things. Have a good cry when you need to and remember her all the time.

Kitspurr Fri 07-Apr-17 09:57:40

Very sorry for your loss, it's a sad time for you. Tell your DH how you're feeling. A little time has now passed and I'd say he'll be really touched at the love you have for your MIL. Is there something in particular that you admired of hers, that will always remind you of her and make you smile? An ornament?

I'm great friends with my ex MIL and would miss her terribly if she wasn't in my life. Last year, she gave me an ornament of hers, that I've admired for years. I was delighted to be given it and really treasure it. It has pride of place on my living room dresser. She always wants to give me things, which I refuse to take.

From the sounds of it, you and your MIL had a lovely relationship and I'd say she'd have loved you to have something of hers.

greatgranny Fri 07-Apr-17 11:31:42

My sympathies on your sad loss. However how heartwarming to hear a positive MIL story. Perhaps DH could suggest that you might appreciate a memento? Good luck!

lovebeigecardigans1955 Fri 07-Apr-17 11:49:34

Death is always sad but it was nice that you had a good relationship with your MIL and I would try to focus on the good memories. Can you really not just say to your DH, "Such a shame about MIL, I'll miss her, won't you?" and he may open up about his feelings.
Traditionally, I think that men don't like to cry in front of others as they feel a need to appear strong.

Saralou18 Fri 07-Apr-17 12:54:36

My MIL was wonderful, she died many years ago, much too young and my DS's both have no memories of her which is a great shame. However I have the note book of recipes which she wrote out for my husband when he left home and whenever I look at her very characteristic handwriting I can hear her voice!

nina1959 Fri 07-Apr-17 12:55:38

I lost a child once and I learned that endings are very important moments in terms of how we preserve a special memory. At the time of loss, we are usually too caught up in the shock and the need to arrange things. Only afterwards does grief kick in and the rawness starts to take over.
I was lucky, I had time to think because the burial didn't happen straight away. A post mortem took place first and this gave me the luxury of being able to plan how I was going to remember my child. 16 years on she still lives with me in an angel statue in my garden. This living memory is far more precious to me than any object and so even if you don't end up with something belonging to your MIL, you could create a timeless keepsake in terms of how you preserve your memory of her time here on earth. Thinking of you. x

Mapleleaf Fri 07-Apr-17 13:12:35

So sorry for your loss. Please don't keep how you feel to yourself, share your feelings with your DH, who will probably be aware of how you are feeling and grieving. I am sure that your DH and SiL would love you to have a small memento. Take care. flowers

SparklyGrandma Fri 07-Apr-17 13:32:25

morethan2 My MiL passed away 16 years ago now and I still miss her. She was a powerful character and very funny, and a big part of her sons life, so how could I not love her?
My son adored her too. I still remember every year on her birthday and passing anniversary, and mention to my now ex DH.

She was part of your family too morethan2. I hope you feel better soon.

radicalnan Fri 07-Apr-17 13:48:47

How wonderful that you two had each other. I am sure your husband would want personal momento as well, honestly there is so much stuff when someone dies that a teapot or vase or bit of jewellery would be fine I am sure.

Well done for making another woman's life richer by your affection.

Caro1954 Fri 07-Apr-17 15:03:46

I had the best MiL ever and I still miss her after more than 30 years. Try to tell your husband and SiL, I'm sure they'll be glad to have you share their grief. My SiL asked me and her other DsiL if we would like anything in particular as a keepsake and gave me (and presumably the others)what I asked for, the rest of her jewellery was divided among 6 of us daughters and DsiL. Another thing I always try to remember is to be the best MiL to my DiL - if I had one so should she!

NannyKasey Fri 07-Apr-17 16:45:52

I lost my MiL in Sept 2005. Not a day goes by when I don't miss her as she was very kind and absolutely devoted to her grandchildren. I often think that if she hadn't died when she did, my life would be a lot different, my now ex-husband and I were having a few difficulties but we were beginning to work things out when she died, my ex and I split up 5 months later (he has two small children with someone else and is now married again to a different but very nice girl - I'm single and happy that way) . I think she would be very proud of what great adults her two DGC's (both teenagers at the time)have become and would be as besotted with her two GGDG's as everyone else.

Coco51 Fri 07-Apr-17 22:36:05

How lovely that you had a good relationship, in a combination which is often fraught with difficulties. I'd say it was fine to share your grief with your husband and his siblings, you can truly understand their loss and you can help each other through this difficult time - sharing the good times and appreciating the life of your MIL from different perspectives. All good wishes to you.

Starlady Sat 08-Apr-17 13:31:34

So sorry about the loss of your beloved mil, morethan2. But how wonderful that you became so close over the years. I think dh and sil are likely to be very touched that you want a memento of her, as long as you don't ask for anything of great significance or sentimental value to them. (I mean that second half of the sentence mostly for sil since dh will be living with whatever you get, anyway).

orangelemon Sun 09-Apr-17 16:43:49

Dear bold:morethan2 I was an only daughter in law too ......My mum in law was absolutely fab....I miss her very much...even after such a long time...she passed away December 2005....It is lovely that you had such a lovely relationship...i think of mine every day without fail...she gave me herself a beuatiful momento.....and I could have had much more but felt it would be best not she had two daughters.....she loved me like a daughter too....with best wishes to you both