I am really puzzled about a widowed friend

Thank you for those thoughts Whiff.

I too refer to my OH as having died, as that is the truth. I find "passed" particularly difficult to deal with - I do not know why that should be, but he did not pass, he died, as we all do.

Luckygirl in my experience the sadness still bubbles through for me and my darling husband died 17 years ago. I don't expect it to ever stop. And to be honest I don't want to get to the stage when I don't miss him daily. I still consider myself married and don't want to lose that feeling.

When he first died the thought of going through the rest of my life without him frightened me and didn't know if I could do it. But because of the promises I made him I keep going. For me it gets harder as the years go by. But I cope better. I still have days where I am like a wet rag. But he made me promise to live the best life I can. And I do.

It's all we can do. I have said many times before it's the price we pay to love and be loved by one special person. When you have found the other half of you when they die in my case I will never be whole again. You may feel this way to. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. Even though our loved ones have died we are the lucky ones we had that . And I will be forever grateful I had that in my life.

I used to hate ironing. My husband wore a clean shirt everyday sometimes 2. After he died I really missed ironing his shirts. Silly isn't it.

I talk to anyone even to myself going round shops. My husband is still my husband and I know when I talk to people and family are mentioned I don't talk as if he is dead. I hate saying my late husband as he was never late for anything in his life. I say he's dead. I have found some people don't like it when you say dead or died. But I don't like saying late as to me that means he's late not dead .

I will never let anyone act around me as if my husband didn't exist. Even though I moved over 100 miles away from where we lived nearly 2 years ago my new neighbours know about my husband.

I still talk out loud to him everyday. It gives me comfort. I do at times shout and swear at him for leaving me which is wicked as he didn't want to die at 47. But it makes me feel better and I can cope with whatever has upset me . I see him with that stupid grin on his face once my rant is over.

Everyone grieves in their own way . It's hard but you find which way is right for you. But it takes time in my case years.

??? to all of you in your grief.

granny12

I am now living alone due to bereavement last year. And I know I talk too much when I have any company. I have to consciously make myself ask after them and their families, and also make myself listen properly.

I talk quite a bit about my OH, and some people can take it, some not. Some listen then change the subject and some really listen and make appropriate comments.

I cannot talk to people as if he never existed; he was my life for 50 years. I just have to take the risk that some people cannot deal with it. I do not feel inclined to sweep him under the carpet.

Frankly it is all pretty hellish and I have no idea when the sadness bubbling beneath the surface will stop breaking through sometimes. I guess never.

absent

If her husband had been ill for a long time, it is likely that she was living a very stressful life for a long time. It is hard to watch – and care for – anyone close to you who is suffering and slowly, inevitably dying. For pretty much all people in this situation, the death of the loved one who has endured prolonged suffering does come as a relief. For some, feeling relief means feeling guilt. "If I loved him it is wrong to feel relieved that he is dead".

One of my beloved aunts, who more or less single-handedly until nearly the end and unbelievably cheerfully and delightfully – nursed her husband while brain cancer reduced him, told me at the funeral, "I did the crying when he did the suffering. The suffering is ended and so is the crying." She must have missed him terribly but she never felt guilty that both he and she were, in their different ways, relieved.

Others may not be so wise.

That absolutely all of it yes. Been there.

Fannycornforth thank I just read the post and never noticed the date. Must check the date in future.

Polite note to posters
This thread was started in 2017, and was revived yesterday.
Condolences to those grieving.

If her husband had been ill for a long time, it is likely that she was living a very stressful life for a long time. It is hard to watch – and care for – anyone close to you who is suffering and slowly, inevitably dying. For pretty much all people in this situation, the death of the loved one who has endured prolonged suffering does come as a relief. For some, feeling relief means feeling guilt. "If I loved him it is wrong to feel relieved that he is dead".

One of my beloved aunts, who more or less single-handedly until nearly the end and unbelievably cheerfully and delightfully – nursed her husband while brain cancer reduced him, told me at the funeral, "I did the crying when he did the suffering. The suffering is ended and so is the crying." She must have missed him terribly but she never felt guilty that both he and she were, in their different ways, relieved.

Others may not be so wise.

Stansgran just read your post. Your friend is going through hell. Not only has she lost half of herself she has lost her present and future. When my husband died I lost half of myself and still feel that way. You have to make a new present and future and it's hard.

A few months after my husband died I went to my local town. A friend of ours was walking towards me as soon as she saw me the look of horror on her face and she darted into the nearest shop. I was hurt and the 45 year old me carried on shopping. The now 63 year old me would have gone in after her and asked what her problem was.

It is horrible when you are widowed and people you thought were friends avoid you or disappear all together.

You say your friend is in her 80s it's even worse for her as she has been with her husband longer than I was with mine.

Being widowed suddenly you have to make all the decisions, when you are upset and frightened the one person you want and need you can never have again.

Just because of the way she is acting are you going to throw away 20 years of friendship. How would you feel in her place?

At her age she needs understanding. She probably talks a lot because she can't stand the silence and if she stops talking all she has to do is think. Would you rather have her in tears all the time? Because I bet that's what she feels like doing.

My husband died in 2004 my grief has only got worse. I just cope better with it. But even now it overwhelms me. We were together 29 years married 22. How long had your friend been with her husband?

I haven't read any of the replies yet. As soon as I read you post had to write this.

from my personal experience ANY behaviour post bereavement is normal

Anniebach my sincere condolences. You have had far more than your fair share of grief in your life.

Lost my daughter and then wife 5 months apart coming up to 4 years now still in the stage of grief plus trying to get over having a stroke, couldn’t cope at home so sold up and moved in with my daughter then COVID-19 hit us so couldn’t get out at all, it’s been 18 months now, am trying hard to find somewhere to go and meet people but while this COVID thing is going on nowhere is open, plus mobility is my biggest hurdle, plus the loneliness during the day as grandchildren do their own thing mostly on their phones rant over.

Granny12, I`m so sorry about the loss of your husband. My husband died last October, we`d been married for just over 53 (sometimes tumultuous) years. Since he died, I found out that I had been entitled to a pension for the previous 7 years, so it was backdated, and I accepted a very nice lump sum, which I`m spending on various jobs around the house that have been needed for a long time, but no cash to do them. But every now and then I feel so guilty, because he isn`t here to take advantage of these things. Most days I`m fine, but am still prone to crying episodes when alone.

I am a trained volunteer facilitator at a bereavement support group; it is early days and your friend is probably numb and nothing is quite real. Regardless of their relationship in life, she may well hit a massive low further down the line, it often seems to happen several months down the line. Be there for her and accept whatever is happening is normal for her.

Maybe she's now doing what she wants. You said that her partner had a long term sickness. So whilst his death is sad, it's free-ing for her. Who and what she was in is now not so. If you are good friends then she will come back.

Sending love and hugs to granny 12. We are all here for you xx
Singlegrannie said what I was wondering, perhaps stansgrans friend is a bit deaf. I have a friend who constantly interrupts when we are in a group and we realised that she needed to be facing us to hear what we said. We tactfully told her and now she wears a hearing aid and joins in more

to Grannie12. There have been so many insightful comments here. It's very helpful.

This happened to a friend's mother. After a very long marriage, the husband died, and their three boys expected her to retreat into a shell. Instead, she was rejuvenated! Think they were perfectly happy together, she's just enjoying being able to do exactly what she likes. She's driving her kids mad, has discovered shopping online and generally not being the mother they expected her to be!

granny12, so sorry to read of your loss. My sympathy.

Granny12, may I extend my sympathy , x

granny12 so very sorry to read of your loss

Granny12 I am sorry for your loss and hope you are not upset by my post. At 29 years I was very happy in my marriage and feel your loss.
I hope Thursday is not too traumatic for you and you get comfort from your happy times with your husband

granny12 so sorry for your loss. I hope we can offer you some support over the coming year

Oh Granny12 {{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you all for your comments and most of all for your advice on this subject. I am 83 years old. My lovely husband died last week and the funeral is on Thursday. A second marriage of 29 years. I have 2 children, 4 step children and 12 grandchildren. I realise how fortunate I am to have such support. Gransnet has been helpful to me as I can enter into the outside world from my living room. Thank you all.

People who are alone all day (inc me) talk non-stop when with others, regardless of age