A widow keeps threatening suicide

Iam64 - you've had some very good advice from other gransnetters. Don't be dragged down by this lady. You can worry yourself and work yourself into a state of exhaustion, but you probably won't be able to help her. I think you should say to her that she should return to her GP and other professionals and that it is beyond your capability to help her other than a kindly word.

Sound advice DJClench. Some may see it as harsh but your "almost took me with her" will resonate for many of us.

Some people are unwilling or unable to be helped OP.

I got myself into a similar situation with someone who was an alcoholic. I thought that all I had to do was to be there for her and be kind. She kept on with her downward spiral and almost took me with her.

Take care of yourself and let her be.

Look after yourself Katewrites, that is your priority. Your neighbour sounds like she is very ill and needs help and although you feel sorry for her it isn't helping you. You've been kind and helpful, take a big step back now. Hope it goes well x

Give the neighbour a wide berth. You won't be able to sort out her problems but she's creating misery for you.

Thank you, everyone, for the different options you have explained.For the last week, she has not called round and I have given her some phone numbers like Cruse and the Samaritans.I have blocked her on my phone
She came here after WW2 from Yugoslavia as a maid to a rich family.
I have fragile health so my own life has to come first.
It's great to be able to get your views.Thanks again

Sometimes I think we are often too polite. If someone comes into one's house and criticises it, or our appearance, why don't we simply say, 'That is extremely rude'. and let the person know straightaway, that comments like that are unacceptable? I wish I had done this myself on occasions...

I usually give most people the benefit of the doubt... but I would run a mile from this one. She needs serious professional help, you really don't need to shoulder her problems. Don't feel guilty, feel relieved. Good luck.

How awful for you ! When I worked in Mental Health services before I retired, people would phone up in terrible distress saying their son, daughter, husband, friend, etc etc was threatening suicide and could we help ? Very very sadly, MH units do not have an A & E and the only access is via the Police ....the person has to present as 'being a danger to themselves or others' in which case the Police, along with the Duty psychiatrist and a Social worker, must attend ....this is the only direct access route to emergency mental health care, and can result in the person being Sectioned under the Mental Health Act ....may seem like a drastic step, and to be honest many people were reluctant to have their family member going down this route BUT it is the only way .....if they attend A & E if they have attempted suicide, they will then be admitted (there being a bed available !) and assessed once out of danger, by the duty psychiatrist who then decided if in patient treatment in the MH Unit is needed or supervision by a Community Psychiatric Nurse at home .....if she starts to threaten you (and hammering on your door is not something you want ....this may put you under mental strain as well, especially if she does this after dark ....you do not have to put up with this ! If (and \i don't know ! MIND still exists, you could call them for advice or perhaps the CAB if MIND has long gone (been retired now for 10 years so things may have changed in that time !) ...it does sound as if she is ill and needs a proper assessment by professionals and medication may help calm her down ...so hard on you,If you feel telling her directly to stop bothering you may cause her to carry out her threats to commit suicide then please call someone for advice ...you do not want this on your conscience and should not have to tolerate this behaviour. Do you know where her family are ...and could you have a word with anyone > You say she is a refugee ....does her ethnic community have a representative in the area (i,e, mosque, immam, or whatever > If so, you could express your concerns to them .....please do not make yourself ill ...very difficult I know since you feel involved already ....take care and look after yourself !

So sorry you're going through this while you feel vulnerable. Be armed for her next session with Samaritans free phone number 116 123 in UK, or their email, [email protected]. people don't have to be suicidal to contact them. They won't preach, but will listen and help people to think things though for themselves. Good luck.

She obviously has mental health problems. She is not your responsibility. IMO you should not open the door to her.

I too had a neighbour who was a nuisance to us all in our cul de sac. In the end we had to keep our doors locked as she would just come in unannounced. She eventually moved into warden accommodation. Phew !

I think lock your door do not speak to her if she continues to harass you go to the police . You need to concentrate on you look after you not her please do that maybe do some volunteer work or something to get you out of the house and meeting people good luck and bolt that door X

As she only threatens and makes no attempt to do so, I don't think she will. This is only to keep you tied to her.

Some people drain your energy, the doctor obviously is aware of her state so let the professionals give her the care she needs. You have been a very caring person and done your best however she is going to make you feel miserable if you continue to have contact with her. Be gentle with yourself.

I agree that this lady is not your responsibility. It's a shame that she's so unhappy and unable to cope with life but it is up to her how she decides to cope with things.
The authorities know about her. We could of course ask why her daughter is estranged? Maybe she also got an earful whenever she visited and has decided to back off for her own good. You've done more than enough so please don't feel guilty. You are not to blame for her actions.

Katewrites
I would imagine Social Services /Adult Social Care must be involved with this person as she has had psychiatric treatment. Contact your local Social Services as the police would not get involved unless any crime had been committed. DON'T delay. She is not your responsibility.

What everyone else said about the need to take care of yourself. Your neighbour needs professional help, it's up to her to take this up.
Quizqueen, I sympathise with your anger towards your daughter's ex but it simply isn't true that people who threaten suicide never actually do it. There are GN posters with direct experience to contradict that view point. The research evidence also confirms that having made threats but not yet attempted suicide, doesn't mean the individual won't eventually take action to kill themselves.

I know how hard it is to feel that you cannot be your usual neighbourly self but there comes a point when you have to put your own well-being first, especially when you are still grieving yourself.
You have done your best but negative people grind us down.
With all good wishes.?

I agree with what everybody has said. You cannot make yourself ill and anxious over somebody else who clearly needs more than a neighbour's ear and friendship.
Who needs constant criticism? Stop answering the door or go out and help her to break the habit of leaning on you constantly. If you are not available, she will be more likely to follow through on specialist appointments.

You sound like a very caring, kind person. But it sounds like your neighbour has some fairly deep-seated problems, and needs professional help because she's continually threatening suicide.

You can't be responsible because you happen to live next door to her. I know the bible says 'Love your neighbour' but the most loving thing you could do for her is try and get her the help she needs.

You also need to look after yourself. Grief is a very long journey.

Send her a nice notecard, say you are unwell and not able for her visits. Give her Samaritans number. Find out the address or number for local mental health team and tell them she isn’t well. Then stay clear, u have to have time out to recover urself from ur own loss.

If you can support this needy person and firmly impose boundaries that she is not permitted to overstep, then you are doing an admirable thing - but it must never be at the expense of your health and your other relationships.

Telling you that she wants to put her head in an oven is of course a "cry for help" and there's no harm in asking her to tell you what help she wants from you. Incidentally, you can't actually do yourself any harm (in the UK) if you put your head in an oven. The gas is no longer poisonous.

You could try to involve The Samaritans. Ring them, explain the situation, give them this lady's phone number and ask them to call her. They will almost certainly agree, and they'll call her at intervals and try to support her, provided she doesn't just hang up every time or tell them to stop calling.

In my experience the ones who threaten suicide just say it for effect to get their own way or get sympathy, it's the ones you think never have any problems who actually carry it out. This woman is not your responsibility or doing you any good to have her in your life.

An ex boyfriend of my daughter's used to say it all the time to manipulate her whenever she threatened to finish with him because of trust issues. I told him to get on with it then as he wouldn't be missed by our family. He went off and got someone's daughter pregnant instead!!!

Stay away. Some people are just too heavy and you have to be very strong yourself to be able to carry them (which is what it is).
I made the mistake of trying to help my neighbour and she started banging on my door at 3.30am. She is finally getting the help she needs now and will soon be going from hospital to a supported living facility for a while and she is then hoping to be rehoused - but I really don't know how I would have coped if that hadn't happened as we were literally getting no sleep and night and were all (the other neighbours in the block) sleeping when we could during the day.
These things can escalate. Your neighbour is difficult now but if you become her only port of call it will reach a point where it is too much and then it will be harder to end.
I think both parties have to benefit from a relationship even if unequally and I cannot see what you gain.

This is far too much for you to take on - it is a matter for the professionals. I think you must do your best to avoid speaking to this lady (which I know will be difficult). I think you have to contact social services and ask for their advice. It isn't doing you or the lady any good for you to get involved any further.