My son, Annie's daughter and all taken too young

Oh ladies, I am so very sorry to read your very poignant posts. Of course I have lost people close to me, but the death of a child is imo the worst thing that can befall anyone, closely followed by the death of a beloved husband. My heart and love goes out to all of you at these unhappy times.? xx

Thank you, grannyactivist. I'm at a low ebb, I think. I lost my mum this time last year, plus I'm tired out physically - and I have a cold that feels almost like flu! And boils, all over my face! What a picture!
You're right, in that it ebbs and flows.. sometimes its almost bearable. Sometimes not. Early days though, I know. Thank you though.

MissA your last sentence is absolutely correct - the death of someone loved and cherished at any age is hard, but when it happens to someone young it seems unbearably so. Too hard to deal with as you say. And yet.....the days go on, the grief changes and life eventually develops new rythms - and the grief doesn't go away, but somehow it is borne.
On Sunday my grandson, now almost eight, was playing rugby for his school. After scoring his second (match winning) try he turned and winked at my daughter; who promptly dissolved into a sobbing mess. She said in that moment her son so resembled his late father that her grief devoured her. The moment passed and life resumed, but it was a reminder of how grief ebbs and flows through days and months and years. It's been almost eight years since she was widowed.

I'm really struggling at the moment. How can I not when I've lost my best friend. As poorly as she was, my daughter always looked after me as best she could: she was my rock.. cancer strips away almost everything that's 'normal' in the end. Friends fall by the wayside, it takes over. Then, when its over, there is nothing left. No comfort. No joy. Its just too bloody hard to deal with.

Welcome, Sandianne.?

It is absolutely lovely, sandie.
Just be aware though, that the forums are open, and what is posted here can end up on Facebook, Twitter, and in newspapers. So... Its just something to remember, as it's easy to disclose things you may not be happy to be shared elsewhere.

Thank you for your support, I am new to Gransnet - but it seems a wonderful place to share so much

From me, too, sandieanne

Sandieanne and kind thoughts

Sandieanne, I am so deeply sorry, the ache is agony isn't it?
I too am grateful my beautiful daughter was my child, she gave me tears yes, but these were nothing compared to the love she gave me, she was my first born and my best friend. Losing her is so hard to bear but I wouldn't change the years with her to be free of this grief. All we can do is treasure the time we were blessed with them. I send you my love, sympathy and understanding x

I'm sorry for the loss of your son, sandieanne. I haven't got any words of wisdom, but.. well.. I am sorry.

I lost my son in July this year - one day after his birthday, we were on holiday in Italy. He was 37. He was an amazing, caring, funny and wonderful person. I would like to offer my sympathy to you - I know what you are going through. I try to get through each day and am mostly so very grateful to have had such a fantastic son and to had him for as long as I did. The poems are lovely and strangely although they make me cry - they give comfort. Thank you for sending them. Take care

Kitty you actually made me smile, but not a good one. Alienate my DiL? You are talking about normal people but we are not even legally allowed to speak to each other or send a message by anyone else. Of course that only applies to me, DiL sent DS3 an email in which she said "tell your mother........" which of course was breaking the court order! Had I done the same thing I would be in court by now.

When DiL says jump, we say How high? She tells us to buy something for GS, we buy it. She has total control over whether we ever see our GS and there is nothing we can do about it. Someone may well suggest we go to law and we might well win as children have a legal right to a proper family life but she would still pull all the strings. DS had a court order to see his sons but she wasn't home and didn't answer her phone.

Every time we see our GS we wonder if it is the last time. They keep asking to come and stay with us but she won't let them. They asked us to keep all their toys at our house so they could come and play with them and we have but they will never get to play with them.

What age would other Gns think reasonable for a pair of siblings to go and stay with grandparents they know and love and have asked to go and stay with?

Crafting, prayers are so necessary, thank you x

Lovely post Crafting.

Having just read this thread I want to write some kind and helpful words, but I can't think of anything to say. You have all suffered so much and are still living with such great loss yet still try and support and help others. I have no words so all I can do is include you in my prayers tonight and pray for some peace to come to you x

You are Thomas's mother Izzy, nothing and no one can change that x

Sorry I had meant to say how poignant that was of what your younger daughter said on that Mothers Day x

Yes Annie you're right , I'm Thomas's mother, and always will be. And I can smile thinking of that.

I do hope you get some decent sleep tonight, hugs x

Izzy, my younger daughter suffered many miscarriages she has now accepted she will not have a child.

You said your not a mother , on one Mothering Sunday my daughter phoned me , a positive pregnancy test, she said ' I am a mother on this special day .

You .izzy are a mother ,you conceived and carried your son , that's what mothers do . Hugs x

Izzy, I was troubled after i spoke of you and your son, thought perhaps I shouldn't have, thank you for your kindness . We don't get over losing a baby, I too think of my babies who died, share your thoughts , would they have married, would I have had lots more grandchildren.

I lived in a village where 116 children died together in a few minutes. No mother suffered more than another , grief cannot be measured , it doesn't have a time scale . I watched and heard those mothers , I stood at the school as the little bodies were carried out, heard a cry of pain then another from mothers , saw fathers digging for their little ones, fathers sitting on pavements weeping. They like my father,g father and g grandfather had dug out that slag which came down on the children. No ones grief is worse than anothers,Maw is grieving for a much loved husband of fifty years, I grieved for a husband of eight years .

nonnies son died in his bed, my beloved daughter in a river, and I am haunted by a question which will never be answered , did she call for me as she did when frightened as a child.

Let us remember grief is so personal, let us not judge how others work through it , let us not think 'my grief is more painful than his/hers.' It cannot be measured

Nonnie, I am so sorry it's still so raw for you. Are you sure your family won't want to listen to you?

If you feel no-one else wants to listen can you ring Samaritans who are brilliant listeners or look for bereavement counselling.

I'm sure that other Gransnetters will have much better advice but in the meantime please accept my love and heartfelt sympathy.

Try not to alienate you Dil while you are feeling raw she sounds very controlling. And, of course, she may have very mixed emotions at this time. You dgc will need you as a link to their father too.

Oh Annie you've made me cry, but in a good way. When you lose a baby people think that after a few months you're 'over it', and we all move on. But I think of him most days and wonder would he now be at Uni or giving me loads of stress! I gave birth but I'm not a mother and will never be a grandmother.
I'm so touched by what you've said but Annie I simply couldn't imagine or cope with the loss of an adult daughter.
There's no competition here on who has the greatest loss but you and several other gransnetters are going through raw grief. I so wish I could do more than just write here.
Take great care x

I wish I could be like Annie, she makes me feel so guilty that i still feel so raw. I was always the strong one at home and at work, the one everyone went to when they had a problem.

Now I grieve alone because I don't want to hurt the family and make them feel worse. Well, not quite alone, DH and I sometimes talk about our lovely son, the one who was his friend as well as son because they shared a love of football and sometimes travelled to games together. He has lost a different son to me, I have lost the one they told me to abort because I had German Measles, the son I brought into this world and whose troubles I shared. He said I was the only one who knew all the awful things which happened to him. I was the one he shared his feelings with when he was not allowed to see his children.

I can't 'be there' for him any more and the rest of the family have each other and don't need me. They do their best but have no idea how much I am still hurting and I don't want them to because there is nothing they can do to help. I am told I have to accept the loss of my son and that I can only see my GSs when the whim takes their mother and then only for half a day and if we book into a local hotel. Oh, yes, we have just been told to take them to see a particular film and which shop to go to to buy them presents! She has to have total control over everything we do. They call this living?

All who are grieving , troubled by families , think of Izzy who posted on another thread. Her son died at birth and she was unable to have another child, to lose your only child at birth? Too painful , just too painful , when I feel my grief is going to eat me up I think of Izzy.